Yes…No…Maybe?

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It’s strange to see something you find hard to believe, but when it’s not really there in the first place it takes things to a whole new level.

Let me explain the situation… I have auditory hallucinations pretty much constantly, they are dampened down by taking Risperidone, but they are always there and I am always aware of them. The rest of my cocktail is Depakote, Mirtazapine, Ariproprazole, Lamotrigine and Lorazepam The Ariproprazole wasn’t working the way it should after nearly three months, so my psychiatrist decided to wean me off that and add in Reboxetine. That link takes you to the Wikipedia page for the drug. Now I know the wiki isn’t a professional thing but it’s pretty much accurate 9 times out of 10 when it comes to Drugs. If you read the side effects list, no where…and I mean NO WHERE does it mention seeing Spiders and men walking around in your front garden and watching you sleep. That has been my life for the past week.

I have visually hallucinated before but that was after not sleeping for close to 7 days in a row ( I saw my Mr Bump cushion dance across the floor… I thought it was funny). This time it’s getting beyond a joke. I am sure that the Reboxetine is to blame but until I can be sure I don’t want to bother the Pdoc with it.
I am not overtly bothered by the hallucinations but then again I am not happy about them either. I would rather not have to keep checking the floor to see if the Spiders are coming to get me are for real or not. I hate spiders at the best of times so why my mind is making me conjure these , I have no idea.
The man in the front grden is weird as I don’t know why he is there. He’s not doing anything except walking across the grass (my mum suggests I ask him if he’ll mow the grass while he is walking about.) The funny thing is he only walks one way I never see him walk back. I wish I was dreaming all this because I could fob it off using a dream analysis but because I am most definatly awake at the time it’s pretty pointless. The person watching me sleep is not, suprisingly, alarming to me. I don’t know why that is because to any “normal” person having someone standing in the corner while you are sleeping is gonna give you the screaming habdabs.

If anyone has any insights on where i can find more info on reboxetine other than wikipedia then hook me up with a link in the comments section… esspecially if there is a link to visual hallucinations.

Until Next Time…

Hurt

I am not a self harmer. There you go I said it. I do however hurt myself in time of imense stress. Case in point two weeks ago I was sat at my desk at work and I had this overwhelming feeling of despair come over me. I sat there with tears filling my eyes and it started. I started scratching at my wrist to make it bleed and to feel something other than the despair and it worked. I felt something other that despair the pain took it away and the tiny drops of blood that rose to the surface were smeared down the back of my hand when I wiped it away.

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Johnny Cash – Rusty Cage (THE Videoclip!)

Because I am anal about giving readers the whole experience I have found the video that goes with the Song Rusty Cage that I posted the lyrics for yesterday. It 2minutes 46 seconds and well worth the watch. I listed to the Soundgarden version as well but for some reason I prefer the Johnny Cash Version, it speaks more about me than the Soundgarden version does. The same goes with Hurt by Nine Inch Nails, Johnny Cash’s version is more emotive than emo and describes why I scratch myself in my own for of Self Harm (more on that some other time.) Anyway Here’s the video.

The Blues

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It’s been a tough few weeks for me but I won’t be commenting on my bipolar much here anymore. I have started a new blog just for my Bipolar ranting. If anyone is interested just drop me a comment and make sure you include your email address and i’ll send you the link.

Here’s to the fun times returning to spnak soon.

Until Next Time…

Rusty Cage

I designed this thinking about the Johnny Cash song Rusty Cage. The lyrics are kinda representative of where I am at the moment.

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Rusty Cage as sung by Johnny Cash

You wired me awake
And hit me with a hand of broken nails
You tied my lead and pulled my chain
To watch my blood begin to boil

But I’m gonna break
I’m gonna break my
I’m gonna break my rusty cage and run

Too cold to start a fire
I’m burning diesel, burning dinosaur bones
I’ll take the river down to still water
And ride a pack of dogs

I’m gonna break
I’m gonna break my
I’m gonna break my rusty cage and run

Hits like a Phillips head Into my brain
It’s gonna be too dark
To sleep again Cutting my teeth on bars
And rusty chains,
I’m gonna break my Rusty cage and run

When the forest burns
Along the road Like God’s eyes In my headlights
When the dogs are looking
For their bones
And it’s raining icepicks
On your steel shore

I’m gonna break
I’m gonna break my
I’m gonna break my rusty cage and run

Heavily Medicated

This how I feel most days about an hour after taking my morning meds. Most of the time I have too work with two hours of taking them and it can make things very interesting for the customers I deal with. I am off work at the moment. I just couldn’t handle the pressure of having severe depression and dealing with angry customers. The depression made me make mistakes at work and the angry customers would just exacerbate the depression because there is very little a front line agent like me can do for a parcel that hasn’t been delivered… it has to be escalated up to a customer care agent. Enough about work for now, it’s getting me stressed just going on about it.

The main reason for this post is to see how pictures are handled on this new theme. The theme by the way is called scruffy (bit like me really) and was gotten from the wordpress theme repository.

In future posts I will go into detail about what’s going on at the moment with me, I just have to work out a way to do it without getting my a$$ canned any quicker than it already is.

Be Safe Y’all

Until Next Time…