I guess one could say that my mood and my mental state is improving. I have my good days and I have my bad days. Heck I can have a good hour and a bad hour. One thing that triggers a bad hour is the thought of having to go back to work. I just know that no matter how many pills they change and how much the dosage is altered I am never going to be ready to go back to work. Now Never is a mighty big word and I don’t mean that I never want to work again, because that would just be stupid and a reckless thing to wish for. The only way I could possibly stop working period is to win the lottery, and aside from the odd tenner we don’t have much luck on the old 6 balls dropping.
I wish I knew what kind of work I could do without the stress that working for my current employer hands out. I would love to work with computers in some respect. I would love to learn how to build websites properly and make a living from doing that. There is a problem with that idea though… and that is you need training and qualifications to do that kind of work… that or an amazingly artistic streak that I don’t have. You have seen some of my art work on these pages and they are nothing to shout home about. I don’t know how to use industry standard tools like the adobe suite of tools, I chose the easier option of learning Paintshop Pro. I think I am too set in my ways now to start to learn anything else. I have fun doodling with what I know but I need something to be able to step up to the plate and do more with.
I’ll not go on with my little ramble about work, just so far ask to know that I have three weeks to make a choice about what to do next.
I spoke with my pdoc on Wednesday and we decided that I should come off the Aripiprazole and increase the Reboxetine by another 2mg. I m fine with this and I think my body has become used to the reboxetine as I am no longer getting the Insomnia I was getting for the first ten days I was taking the drug. It was getting to the point where I was waking up at 3.30 am and being wide awake and not being able to sleep again until 4 or 5pm that afternoon and then going back to bed at midnight and doing it all over again. Touch wood I am over than now.
That’s it from me for now.
Until Next Time…
I have been off work now for close to three weeks and nothing seems to be improving and that was bought even closer to home Thursday night.
I had a GP’s appointment on Friday morning to explore the possibility of either going back to work or extending my sick note for another period of time. I just needed some sure way of knowing how it was time to go back or not. We had bought tickets ages ago for a Pink Floyd tribute band and the local theatre and it was as good a place as any to “test me out”.
We set off at 6.45 so we could get something to eat before the show which according to the tickets started at 8pm. I had taken a Lorazapam in the event of any collywobbles happening, so I wasn’t particularly hungry so I had a cheeseburger or two and left it at that. once we had finished we headed over the road to the Theatre and were abruptly told that the doors wouldn’t open until 8pm and the show would start at 9pm. Back to McDonald’s for a coffee and by now that Lorazapam was a really good idea. I was getting more and more stressed at being out in the open.
Time passed and we waited till the doors opened and went BACK to the theatre and got in finally. We go our seats… pretty decent seats not to close to the front so as I felt like the whole room was on top of me and not at the back so we couldn’t see. We were just off centre Anyway I digress… We still had an hour to wait till the show started and as the room filled my anxiety levels started filling too. I was starting to feel penned in and the realisation that tonight was not a good idea was slowly sinking in.
The time passed quickly and the lights went down.. i started to feel a bit easier as I do in the dark naturally… Then the band started and to be honest they didn’t impress me to start with. Then things started to go very wrong. They finished their first song and the singer spoke a bit about something and then they started the opening chord of the second tune and then all of a sudden and almighty explosion happened. I left my seat and was almost under the table. Any equilibrium that I had left was shot to shit by that point. I had made a fool of myself and i now knew that the crowd behind me would be laughing at me.. and then the voices kicked in harder than they had been all day.
The band were unimpressive and after an hour I needed to get out and have a smoke. Mum came with me and we spoke about calling it a night. Mum had had enough due to the heat in the room we were in (no Air Con) so I went back up and got Linda who had siad that I felt it was getting to much for me to tell her and we would call it a night. We headed home and I took my pills which included another Lorazapam after we ate. By midnight my face was melting and i needed to get to my safe place and just forget about the voices so I went to bed and Listened to the Real Pink Floyd and dosed of into a medicated slumber.
I woke up early Friday to go to the GP and had the hangover of all hangovers.. I guess to Lorazapam in less than 5 hours isn’t a good idea and one that won’t be repeated any time soon… mind you saying that… I don’t think I’ll be going out anytime soon either.
Until Next Time…
PS I am off work for another month.