Looking Down

I guess I spoke to soon. After such a good weekend, I have been down all day. It was made even worse by having to go out on my own today. I don’t know what has triggered off this downward spiral, it could be post getaway blues.

Maybe the freedom I had over the weekend was what I need a more permanent slice of. Maybe I should just drop everything here and move in with Nik and his family. Not sure that would go down to well with Linda and Mum.

Not much else to report so I’ll just say:

Until Next Time…

Looking up

Today was suprisingly uplifting day. We travelled back from Kent this morning and I made a concious choice not to take a Lorazapam this morning, just to see how far I could push myself without snapping. I had my extra pills with me so I could slip one in if things got too much. But they didn’t, I made it all the way home unaided by (extra) medication.

This whole weekend has been so relaxing for me I think it has done me more good than I realised it possibly could. Even Mum had noticed the change in me. I am hoping this wave of feelgood feelings hang around as I don’t feel hyper and I don’t feel particularly down, I feel just about as stable as I have for a while now.

Am I ready to go out on my own? Not quite. Am I getting closer to having more confidence? Absolutely

Until Next Time…


I have had to take, over the past two days extra does of Lorazapam. For the first time in a long time I have encountered side effects that others recount daily. Sluggish body slurred speech over tiredness and general apathy. I have hated having to take the pills but I know that it was either take them or be stuck at home for yet another weekend.

We (Mum and I) have come down to the south coast to see my Brother and his family. A much needed break away from the confines of the four walls I had been occupying of late. Seeing the kids is great seeing Nik and Esther is great. I have foudn though that it is not just Corby that I hate it’s the great outdoors. Thursday travelling was a nightmare, travelling into London just off rush hour was mental. The intercity train was kind of quiet which was a bonus.. we had seats reserved but read the tickets wrong so we had non reserved seats in the quiet car of the train…(NO MP3 PLAYERS ALLOWED). I had taken one of the Lorazapam i had mentioned before about an hour before we left and yes it calmed my nerves a little but the crowds and the hustle and bustle was a little more than i would have liked.I was fine once I got to Niks though… Nik being his usual Nikness I didn’t feel my stresses for too long.

Friday we had decided to go out to see Mums sisters for the day whilst the kids were at school. I was so hungover from the double shot of Lorazapam on Thursday…(the extra plus my normal dose at bedtime) I didn’t think it was really a good idea to take another one so soon as my speech was slurred enough as it was. My aunties and cousins must have thought I was out of it or something as I couldn’t be my normal verbose and outgoing chirpy self, it was too hidden by the drugs.
I lasted virtually the whole day without an extra pill, it was only when Mum and her sisters decided that tehy wanted to go to Morrisons that I had to take a step back and sit on a wall outside the store while they went in and pop another pill. After about an hour I was back to being my docile self again.

Once back home it was the first time we had spent with the kids and the extra Lorazapam kinda slowed them down to a Formula one car speed in my mind. I don’t remember ever having that much energy as a kid. They are great kids and are growing into fine young people who know their manners and listen (most of the time) to what is being said to them. To make things a little more special they decided for themselves that they would rather skip their Friday Church Youth group meeting so they could spend some time with Mum and I. As I said they are special kids.

Today I just couldn’t face the day, I couldn’t face the idea of waking up and being active. I have been sleeping on the couch in the lounge here so until I had woken up the kids can’t watch TV or make much noise and when i didn’t get up till gone 10.30 i was met witha¬† slightly bemused and a little grumpy Kieran who told me off for sleep half the day away. I guess i got between him and Ben 10 this morning.
I did go back to sleep for a while after breakfast. I crashed down in the room mum is sleeping in. I had to sleep of the Lorazapam or I would have been a grouch all day. After my little nap I got up and did nothing for the rest of the day but sit around and talk computers and stuff with Nik. We ate Chinese food tonight and it was good to be around family again just eating good food and bullshitting the night away. and here I sit now up to date with you avoiding the plague that is the X Factor on TV. I hate that programme with a passion but everyone else thinks it’s classic TV. Maybe i just don’t get it, but i can’t think of anything worse that pinning my hopes on the Great British Public’s voting powers when it comes to reality TV. But hey I aint getting into that here. I don’t want to spoil a good thing by sullying it with bile.

Hope everyone is safe this weekend.

Until Next Time…

An Update

I think i started writing this blog at a time when I wasn’t ready to write… but enough of that.

Since my last visit I have been pretty busy in a not very busy way. I a series of meetings with my employers and it was decided that they thought it would be a good idea if they were no longer my employers. To be honest I can see their point of view. Over the past 4 years I have had close to 400 days off work (that’s the best guess I can come up with today, I don’t remember the exact figures they quoted at the time). I had had 127 days of work this year up to the point of the final meeting when it was decided that my services would no longer be required. As I said I can see their point of view and I was expecting the push sooner or later. It still feels like shit to be unemployed again for the first time in 6 years, doubly so seeing as it was all caused by the symptoms of the Bipolar.

At my last meeting it was all very offical, the head of the contact centres HR dept and the top office manager. They were talking like company drones all very officious and not at all human. When they actually gave me thier decision the spiel went something like…:

i would like to thank you for you constructive feedback about your position within the company. With that said I have to inform you that we are going to summarily terminate your contract with immediate effect.

There was no “Unfortunately” no “Sorry but”. I think I felt like I wasn’t important to them, I guess I wasn’t really. I was just a little cog who had dull teeth that didn’t work properly, the only saving grace is that apparently it was commented that I was good on the phones and that had been said by a couple of the office line managers. At least Someone thought I was worthy of a decent comment.

Leading on from that I had to make arrangements to go and claim Incapacity Benefits as I don’t feel that working is an option for me at the moment. I had heard of dreadful stories about long waits and gruelling medicals when applying for IB and with the rules and the IB being phased out on the 27th October I was a bit worried that my case would be a long drawn out procedure, but it needed to be done. Mum found the telephone number of the claims line and I duely gave them a call After a 45 minute phone call I thought that that was the first stage completed. I was given a long list of things I needed to supply the job centre with to help get my claim sorted.

I was told that it would be quite a wait for the claim to be processed but I should get my payslips back in a few days. Well it took about two weeks for my payslips to come back to me and the next day I recieved a ltter stating that I had been granted IB. NO medical, no long detailed forms to be filled out. Just granted it just like that. We can only sumise that it was because I had the letter from work stating that they had finished me on medical grounds and they had taken that as all the proof they had needed. No complaints there. The only thing I have to do is supply sick notes every month to the benefits office and they keep paying me. The benefit isn’t a massive amount buit the monthly total will pay our loan payments, and we will just have to really tighten our belts so the rest of the bills get paid.

I had my psych appointment last Thursday and my Pdoc has increased one of the pills to help the Paranoia that I have been crippled with the past few months. It’s gotten to the stage now that I can’t leave the house unaccompanied. I can’t even go to the doctors on my own, hell I can’t even go to the corner shop to get a pint of milk (black coffee time soon folks). Linda and Mum have been great about all of this and I know I have some work to do to get myself back on track and it’s going to be a hard path to travel but I have to do it to get my life back. Whilst at my pshyc appointment, the Pdoc asked if I was interested in having a Community Care Worker again to help me out in the times between my appointments, I jumped at the chance. It’s something that we have all been thinking about ever since my latest bout of depression and paranoia kicked in. He filled out a form whilst we were in the meeting and he told us someone would get in touch to let us know either way in a few days. Anywho the next day I get a phone call from the psychs office saying that I had been allocated a CPN and would it be OK if she came around on Monday to introduce herself. I thought:

“Things are coming to easily for me at the moment.”

FAst forward to 4pm yesterday and I am sat in my front room talking witha CPN about what she can do for me and where our meetings will be going. Could she come back Wednesday to start off my Care Plan and sort out some paperwork:

“Ummm Yeah”

My head was in a bit of a whirlwind, everything seemed to be moving so fast. In fifteen minutes it was all over and I felt strangely relived that I could sit back and take a breather for an evening. Nothing was hanging over me that could or should stress me out. My CPn is going to work with me to sort out my medication and manage how I take it… I thought I was doing quite well just by opening my mouth and popping the little suckers, but apparently she can help me with it… so I will see where that takes us.

That about brings us up to date. Sorry for the length but things have been happening a pace around here and I had left it so long between posts there was a lot to catch up on.

Until next time…