Finality

I have been thinking a lot about death over the past 70 hours or so. I know my mum is going to get out of the hospital in the next day or so but her being away has made me rethink what I would do if anything were to happen to her or Linda.

I find the concept of losing either of them a total mind fuck. They are both big parts of my support system and my life in general. I only have Three close personal friends and I am related to all Three of them.

There is my mum: She is there for my moral and centre balance (as is Linda). If i am feeling suicidal she would and is the first person I go and see. She tries to talk me down and take my mind of things.

Then there is Linda: She keeps all the pills in order. 99% of the time I couldn’t tell you the dosage amount of any given drug I am taking. It’s all taken care of for me by Linda. Maybe that should change so I at least have some idea what I am taking when i go see the medication management people.

And then there is Nik: He is a great leveller he will say what he is thinking and be truthful with it. If I am wound up I can talk with him and it’s all gonna be alright any time soon.

That’s they way it’s worked so far and hopefully the way it will continue to work.

Getting back to the concept of death. I have a recurring dream that Mum and Linda will die within a short space of time of each other and my being left alone with no one to make sure I don’t do anything silly. I truely think that if that situation were to ever arise that would be my time to check out too. I would either do that or I would drop out of society and become a bum living on the streets and kill myself that way.

I am a big burden to those around me, they are to nice to admit it, but having to accompany me everywhere is a pain in the arse. The constant pill changes and the changes in mood it brings is a pain in the arse. Putting up with my constant mood chages can be as draining for mum and Linda as they are for me going through them. Having a Manic Depressive as a pet is no fun for the owners… we may not pee on the rug so much but the drooll makes a nasty mess after a while and chasing the cars is hell on shoe leather.

When i wasa kid there was a “crazy ” cousin we were not supposed to go anywhere near. We were told that he drank to much scrumpy cider and it sent him Mad. In hindsight and being slightly more grown up I know this guy had a severe mental illness (he was always hospitalized). I guess my folks and grandparents had their reasons for saying what they said but I just hope that Nik and Esther don’t ever feel like they have to say that about me. I would rather walk away and be forgotten than have them feel that they have to lie to their kids to protect them.

Anyway enough of the maudlin I am going to try and sleep beofre i have to go to the dentst at 11.30.

Until Next Time…

Stress Levels

My stress levels are through the roof today. My mum (with whom I live) went to the doctors yesterday for a sore elbow and has ended up in hospital witha  suspected blood clot on her lung. My little blue friends are going to take a hammering today I can feel it coming on.

I slept through the night last night. That was a first for quite sometime. It makes it easier that I don’t have time for an afternoon nap so I should be able to sleep through again tonight.

I am posting crap just for something to take my mind off of things.

Until Next Time…

Sleep

I don’t know when it began and I don’t know how it began but I haven’t been sleeping at all well of late. I have been getting plenty of sleep just at the wrong times. I have been getting up at 10.30/11 o clock and feeling so wasted from my medication that I have been going back to bed after eating something and taking my pills. I usually sleep until 2pm or 3pm and then I will be up until 2am or 3 am. Then the cycle starts over.

Now your probably saying to yourself that “It’s not the medication that’s making you feel wasted it’s your f*cked up sleep patterns.” Well that’s what my CPN who visited me yesterday suggested. We talked it over and she suggested that  take my evening medication MUCH earlier than I normally would.(ie 6pm) and then go to bed at about 10pm and try and get myself back on to some kind of *normal* sleeping pattern. I agreed and last night I complied. BIG MISTAKE.

I went to bed at 9.45 and duely fell asleep pretty much straight away. I did however find myself awake at 1am unable to go back to sleep. So i come down stairs and check my email and have a glass of milk to try and help me get back off. I went back to bed about twenty minutes later and did get back to sleep pretty much straight away. All was going well I thought to myself as I dozed off again….that was until 4am when my eyes pinged open and stayed that way for 30 minutes until I could stand laying down no more. So up I got and came back down to have a cigarette and to check my email again ( I check my email an unhealthely amount each day… it’s a habit I can’t break). This time I was up for close on two hours I watched an interesting film on Hallmark about teh Enron thing, it went well with the bowl of Coco Pops I had.

I had planned on staying up for the duration but by 6.30 I was ready to try for at least a couple more hours.

I woke up at 10.45.

The medication was not really a problem this morning I don’t think as I had taken it plenty early enough. I took my morning pills and got on with my day. But by 2pm I was knackard again. I should have stayed up but my eyes were closing on me. So I wimped out and went back to bed. It wouldn’t be so bad, but it’s not as if I am overly depressed about anything at the moment. My anxiety about going out is still in full effect but the mood has been pretty stable.

I have been up now for the rest of the day and I have taken my pills at around 10pm so hopefully I will get to sleep at some reasonable hour. I know I have to get my sleep patterns sortedout but it’s always easier said than done.

Until Next Time…