I have been thinking a lot about death over the past 70 hours or so. I know my mum is going to get out of the hospital in the next day or so but her being away has made me rethink what I would do if anything were to happen to her or Linda.

I find the concept of losing either of them a total mind fuck. They are both big parts of my support system and my life in general. I only have Three close personal friends and I am related to all Three of them.

There is my mum: She is there for my moral and centre balance (as is Linda). If i am feeling suicidal she would and is the first person I go and see. She tries to talk me down and take my mind of things.

Then there is Linda: She keeps all the pills in order. 99% of the time I couldn’t tell you the dosage amount of any given drug I am taking. It’s all taken care of for me by Linda. Maybe that should change so I at least have some idea what I am taking when i go see the medication management people.

And then there is Nik: He is a great leveller he will say what he is thinking and be truthful with it. If I am wound up I can talk with him and it’s all gonna be alright any time soon.

That’s they way it’s worked so far and hopefully the way it will continue to work.

Getting back to the concept of death. I have a recurring dream that Mum and Linda will die within a short space of time of each other and my being left alone with no one to make sure I don’t do anything silly. I truely think that if that situation were to ever arise that would be my time to check out too. I would either do that or I would drop out of society and become a bum living on the streets and kill myself that way.

I am a big burden to those around me, they are to nice to admit it, but having to accompany me everywhere is a pain in the arse. The constant pill changes and the changes in mood it brings is a pain in the arse. Putting up with my constant mood chages can be as draining for mum and Linda as they are for me going through them. Having a Manic Depressive as a pet is no fun for the owners… we may not pee on the rug so much but the drooll makes a nasty mess after a while and chasing the cars is hell on shoe leather.

When i wasa kid there was a “crazy ” cousin we were not supposed to go anywhere near. We were told that he drank to much scrumpy cider and it sent him Mad. In hindsight and being slightly more grown up I know this guy had a severe mental illness (he was always hospitalized). I guess my folks and grandparents had their reasons for saying what they said but I just hope that Nik and Esther don’t ever feel like they have to say that about me. I would rather walk away and be forgotten than have them feel that they have to lie to their kids to protect them.

Anyway enough of the maudlin I am going to try and sleep beofre i have to go to the dentst at 11.30.

Until Next Time…

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