So there I was psyching myself up for my Medication Management meeting at 3pm, when at 11am I get a phone call from the clinic saying that the Nurse who was to be sitting in on the meeting wasn’t available today so they would have to cancel the meeting and rearrange it for next week. As the call went on I felt all my energy slip away from me. It was like a big vacuum cleaner stuck up my rear end and sucking my will to live out of me.
I wasn’t particularly looking forward to the meeting… I had been told there would be a lot of talking and I just wasn’t in the right head space to be revealing my inner soul today. I have been down now for about 2 weeks and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better. I am putting on a face for Mum and Linda but the cracks are starting to show. I don’t want to be chirpy and chipper, I want to take to my bed and never come out.
My CPN is coming Thursday, so no doubt I will get the usual I should go out more and take the Lorazapam as much as you need. You would think she was trying to get me hooked on the stuff. Maybe they get points for referrals to different sections. 10 Pts for a Bipolar referral 20Pts fpr a Lorazapam addiction 30 Pts for a schizophrenic meltdown. first one to 100 and you get a set of steak knives. Sorry that was cynical and I know she only has my best intrests at heart but I am sick of being dependant on drugs to get through my day. I would never be allowed to get rid of the drugs by my family, I would drive them nuts inside of a week. Hell, missing one day is cause to my have my balls chopped off just to remind me that I should take them every day.
I really shouldn’t complain as I don’t know where I would be with the pair of them nagging at me to get things done. Dead or on the streets at the very least. Maybe even dead out on the streets. My mortality is become oh so real to me lately. There is a race going on in my body. It’s between my Mind and my Pancreas. They are duelling over who will get the final blow in. My diabetes is out of control due to the medications I take for Bipolar and my Bipolar is casuing me to freak out about my diabetes. I actually think the stress of worrying about whats gonna kill me first will actually kill me first.
I am not going to keep writing tonight or else I will convince myself that it’s a good idea to do something stupid. I am just going to surf around looking for picture of cute kittens and puppy dogs just to make myself feel better.
To start with, I am sorry for the Status Quo reference, it’s totally unlike me, I can assure you of that. I like em but I am not what you would call an obsessive fan.
The basic fact of the matter is that I have been down for the best part of 10 days now with only brief sparks of levity. I really hate this feeling of having nothing to be happy about. Everything I do seems to lead more and more towards a funk. I have started getting pains in my chest which I have no explanation for, they just started. My head has been hurting a lot more than usual. I have been told that I spend to much time sat at the computer, which i guess is true, but if I wasn’t sat here I would just be sat in front of the TV watching another screen, except there is nothing that the rest of the family watch that particularly interests me. Sad I know but I would rather stumble than sit through another Medical reality show or see how some freak in no place Midwest America killed his wife and locked her in a car and stashed the car in a lock up for the next ten years (This was an actual show yesterday).
I guess I could be masterful and demand to watch something else, but I know that as soon as I do, I’ll get the remote and I’ll flick through 200 channels of shit and end up back on Forensic Detectives or something. I can’t win for losing.
That’s just how I fell most of the time when I have the TV remote in my hand.
I don’t know where my depression is leading me and I really don’t like the thoughts that are running through my head in preparation of the eventual bottoming out. I don’t know if I’ll get so desperate that I’ll scratch again or if this will be the time that I can’t resist suicide. I am not at that place yet but it feels close.
I can’t believe that a 15mg drop in Mirtazapine has made me feel like this. I keep telling myself that the Medication Management is going to be hard on me but if this is how I feel after such a small drop god knows how bad I am gonna feel once the take away an anti-psychotic or a mood stabilizer. My family are in for one hell of a ride. God help em.
Friday and Saturday were really bad days for me. My mood swung so far down I didn’t think I would come out of it for a month. I felt like the whole world was against me and everything I did was wrong. I just sat at my computer or laid in bed not knowing what else to do. Mum and Linda got worried and were trying everything they could think of to try and cheer me up, nothing worked. Then Sunday came round and I started to feel a little better. I started my day out the same as every other day but things just started to pick up and by 4 o’ clock I was feeling a whole lot better, I started cracking jokes and generally starting to see the black mist rise up a bit.
We spent most of Saturday evening watching movies and that could have had something to do with lifting my mood. But at the time I had next to no interest in watching anything but the back of my eyelids. I persevered as I wasn’t tired and I knew that if I went to bed I would just lay there and think about how shit and crappy I felt, better the devil you know I guess.
As I sit here I try and figure out why my mood sank and I draw a blank, I think it was just a case of the chemicals in my brain going loopy again. It just goes to show me that what comes around quickly can leave again just as quick. quirky huh?
Just in case anyone is interested the movies we watched over the weekend:
Quantum of Solace
All were great films. I highly recommend Seven Pounds a great film from Will Smith.
If anyone has read or is reading this you may have noticed the different looks that this blog has had over the past few weeks. These were all place holder blogs in wait for my own custom built theme.
This is the new and more permanent look of Its Just A Ride. It was designed by Dreamleaf Media .
It was created by head designer Nik and I am proud to have one of his exclusive designs gracing my blog.
He has a great set of services if your on the look out for web design services or maybe a new logo for your website. He is a very talented designer and I don’t say all of this because he is paying me or anything like that…nor that he is my little brother either in case your wondering. It’s because I genuinely dig his stuff. Check out his website and maybe email him if you want further info. You won’t be sorry.
As reported on Digital Spy, Kerry Katona is planning a show all show on MTV about her struggle with Bipolar disorder. It may just be me but I think this is gonna be car crash TV. It’s got all the possibilities of setting back the public perception of what it’s like to suffer with Bipolar. We. in the mentally interesting world, know how hard it is to live with Bipolar or some other Mental Health issue, so having a TV programme highlighting what would, quite possibly, show all the bad points and not so many of the good points (by good points I mean those days when the pills are working and you surf through a day without too many problems.) What concerns me is the fact that MTV’s demographic is for the younger members of society, a group not generally well known for their tolerance towards mental health. It is too easy for them to make fun of something that is different to “the norm”.
I hope that there is some scientific side to this show and it’s not just a repeat of what we saw on Katonas’ This Morning interview. That is what started this whole shebang off. I think I would feel better if this show was being made in conjuction with a channel that specialises in Medical programmes or at the very least had some kind of track record with non sensational viewing. Now having said that I haven’t watched any MTV for quite a few years but from what I have heard Kerry Katonas previous shows have been rather sensationalist and aimed at getting headlines and not exactly eductating an audience in the delicate troubles of suffering from a mental illness.
I hope to be proved wrong and that MTV will do what they used to be known for back in the 90’s and have a serious piece of journalism and give a balanced view of what it really is to live with Bipolar disorder… but I have visions of seeing a haggard and slurring woman always complaining that her life is the pits. It could be so good. I’ll keep my fingers crossed.
Yep just another day in my life. Well not exactly JUST another day but it’s been pretty mundane. I have been freaking, as usual, about something way out of my control. This morning when the postman delivered our mail I was presented with the IB50 form from the Incapacity Benefit people. I knew that getting IB was to simple. This is just the start i tell ya, it’s going to end up with me having to go to Stalag 13 and have a medical and then my benefit will be stopped because they will find out that I am a fraud and am not really ill because I was having a particularly good day on the day of the medical. See what I mean, Freaking out of my own head. I have tried to pretty much keep this to myself but I don’t think I succeded to well. Mum being the form filling demon that she is had a look and said it was a cake walk to fill in and half of the forms don’t apply to me. We’ll see… I have a bad feeling about this.
After my ponderance yesterday about my CPN making an appearance sometime soon, I got a phone call this morning and she has asked to see me tomorrow afternoon at 3pm. No doubt I will get the usual health lecture about my weight and lack of exercise. It’s a bit difficult to excercise when you can’t face leaving the house unattended. Hell I can’t even walk to the shops just around the corner on my own without having a panic attack. I would take more Lorazapam but I am afraid I will become addicted to the stuff. I only get enough for 2 pills a day for a month. I take one every evening and have one spare if I do have to go out. If I went out the amount that is suggested by the doctors and CPN I would run out by mid month and be screwed for the rest of the month. I guess I will have to ask the GP to up the amount of pills he gives me or really start to suck it up and start going Lozzie free.