So there I was psyching myself up for my Medication Management meeting at 3pm, when at 11am I get a phone call from the clinic saying that the Nurse who was to be sitting in on the meeting wasn’t available today so they would have to cancel the meeting and rearrange it for next week. As the call went on I felt all my energy slip away from me. It was like a big vacuum cleaner stuck up my rear end and sucking my will to live out of me.

I wasn’t particularly looking forward to the meeting… I had been told there would be a lot of talking and I just wasn’t in the right head space to be revealing my inner soul today. I have been down now for about 2 weeks and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better. I am putting on a face for Mum and Linda but the cracks are starting to show. I don’t want to be chirpy and chipper, I want to take to my bed and never come out.

My CPN is coming Thursday, so no doubt I will get the usual I should go out more and take the Lorazapam as much as you need. You would think she was trying to get me hooked on the stuff. Maybe they get points for referrals to different sections. 10 Pts for a Bipolar referral 20Pts fpr a Lorazapam addiction 30 Pts for a schizophrenic meltdown. first one to 100 and you get a set of steak knives. Sorry that was cynical and I know she only has my best intrests at heart but I am sick of being dependant on drugs to get through my day. I would never be allowed to get rid of the drugs by my family, I would drive them nuts inside of a week. Hell, missing one day is cause to my have my balls chopped off just to remind me that I should take them every day.

I really shouldn’t complain as I don’t know where I would be with the pair of them nagging at me to get things done. Dead or on the streets at the very least. Maybe even dead out on the streets. My mortality is become oh so real to me lately. There is a race going on in my body. It’s between my Mind and my Pancreas. They are duelling over who will get the final blow in. My diabetes is out of control due to the medications I take for Bipolar and my Bipolar is casuing me to freak out about my diabetes. I actually think the stress of worrying about whats gonna kill me first will actually kill me first.

I am not going to keep writing tonight or else I will convince myself that it’s a good idea to do something stupid. I am just going to surf around looking for picture of cute kittens and puppy dogs just to make myself feel better.

Until Next Time…

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