Voices In My Head

I have a new toy. I have an iPod and it came at just the right time. My voices are attacking me full pelt this week. It’s been so hard to concentrate without music playing, my family think I have gone off them as I have been plugged into the bloody thing since Friday morning when it arrived. It’s “Chromatic Green” as the sales bumph would have me told. It’s the 16gig version so I have a few audio books and about 50 albums on there. I didn’t realise how eclectic my musical tastes were till I tried to put a play list together for an iPod.

ipodI feel like I am now a fully fledged gadget freak. From my first little 128mb no name mp3 player I had 5 years ago to have having the named mp3 player today. I don’t like to rush things, but from what I have experienced the past three days I will never buy anything other than iPod from now on. I’ll even buy them as gifts for people who don’t want them. I have been listening to lots of different music lately… Kings of Leon why haven’t I heard these guys before Only By The Night is a great album and they deserved their Brit award the other night. The Foo Fighters another band that my little brother has been badgering me to listen to. Now I have I am gonna have to look up more of their stuff. I have even found the time to listen to the whole of the Hitch Hikers Guide To The Galaxy audio book for the first time in god knows how long. I didn’t realise how much I had missed not listening to it through headphones. I mean you aren’t missing out on subliminal messages or anything like that, but you actually have the words going straight into your head and not wafting around the room when you listen through speakers. I have listened to the radio play so many times I know it virtually verbatim but the book has so much more detail…. I have encoded the other four books into audio book format and have them on my iPod too so when I get a few hours when i don’t feel like listening to music I can listen to a book.

Surprisingly to me it doesn’t matter what I am listening to it seems to quiet the voices. I had always though that listening to a spoken word piece would be too cluttered as the voices would over power it, but listening to HHGTTG didn’t get overpowered. It was a pleasant surprise.

In Other BP related news. I have been discharged from the care of my CPN. Apparently she has a new “ROLE” within the mental heath team and is no longer “on the road.” I am to still call the MHT if I need them but my main care will be through the medication management team and my PDoc. Now this is not to bad It was the same as it was before I was assigned a CPN, but I have two small problems with this set up. The last three MM meetings have been cancelled (no Scratch that) EVERY meeting with the medication Management team has been cancelled and I have no appointment to start again. I got myself so psyched up to take part in this and gove it my all and now they are playing silly arses. The other problems was raised earlier this week when we called down to the MHT to find out when my last appointment was (My IB50 form needed that info) and my mum was told that my next Pdoc appointment was not scheduled until MAY. that would be about a 4 month gap between meetings… I am not happy about that esspecially seeing as the MM meetings aren’t happening and my medications are on the frizz again. A Psychotic episode like the one I am in at the moment hasn’t lasted this long in quite some time and it’s starting to worry me.

But anyway I have to go to bed now, I have a meeting in the morning with a team of employment trainers who are going to help me get trained for some kind of work in computers (I hope). It was set up for me by the Pathways to Work people I met with last Monday as part of the Incapacity Benefit agreement. I have to have 5 of these meetings and as long as I keep attending and saying all the right things and doing all the right things and not messing up in my usual style I will get to keep my benefit as long as I need it and who knows I may actually get trained to do a job I enjoy rather than hate and get stressed about. We’ll see.

Until Next Time…

Pushing and Pulling

I haven’t felt like blogging the past few days. The adventure that was tooth extractions went decidedly painful. From the list of things I couldn’t do after the procedure I was led to believe that I would be over it in 24 hours… after all that’s how long I couldn’t smoke for couldn’t drink very hot or very cold drinks or I couldn’t do VIGOROUS exercise. The no smoking thing was on a hiding to nothing.. no way was I going through that much pain and not smoking. It made for funny viewing trying to watch me roll and smoke a cigarette on Wednesday. It was a good thing that Mum thought ahead and bought me 20 Marlboro for just such an occasion. I do believe that the dentist injected my jaw with enough Lidocane to numb a baby rhino. At least I didn’t bite through my cheek this time (which is what I did the last time I had my mouth numbed).

My medication management meeting was understandably cancelled again this week. I woke up Tuesday morning and knew there would be a message on my answer machine telling me that it was cancelled and lo there it was a message. So I called the MHT and spoke to the nurse who part of the MM team and was told that the Doctor who runs the course was unable to get in due to the snow. I haven’t heard from them since so I have no idea when my next appointment will be. Hopefully not to long as I am now eager to get this all started, the anticipation is building.

I have been reading quite a few MH blogs of late and one thing has struck me. The complicated words used are sometimes so confusing that I often give up reading. Now I am not saying that bloggers should dumb down thier blogs just for me, but really do they have to use a 15 letter word when two 5 letter  words will do the job just as well and will most likely not confuse the reader. Maybe it’s just me, maybe I should have a little dictionary or thesaurus sat by the computer when I read my blogs. I hope that I don’t confuse my readers (if there are any)? I usually write in the fashion in which i speak. My writing is usually just a blurt of what is on my mind. I don’t edit to well. I usually go over the post with a spell check and 90% of the time it catches my mistakes and when it doesn’t Meh! I don’t really care. I usually catch the odd mistake when i read through after posting and I will edit then.

Oh well it’s nearly bedtime so…

Until Next Time…

Winter F’n Wonderland

Now normally I wouldn’t have a problem with snow. Normally I don’t have to go out in it for longer than a few minutes at a time. But this week I have to go out twice. Tomorrow is my first Medication Management meeting that was rescheduled from last week, and I have a feeling we may have to do some shopping after the meeting. Then on Wednesday I have a dentists appointment for “some extractions“. The letter from the dentists made it very clear that it wasn’t going to be just one extraction but MULTIPLE extractions. Believe it or not I have never had to have a tooth taken out in my whole life and now my teeth are screwed up I have to have MULTIPLE teeth out in one visit. Tell me how little the dentist hurts when they force teeth out of your head.. someone tell me it only tickles PLEASE.

My mood is fluctuating today. One minute I am happy and glowing about the radiance of winter (sick aren’t I) and then the next I am down so far I want to drown myself in the snow and never wake up. I don’t know what the problem is. I don’t normally flip flop between moods. I guess (and it is only a guess) that I am in the middle of a mixed state episode.

Mixed affective episode

In the context of bipolar disorder, a mixed state is a condition during which symptoms of mania and clinical depression occur simultaneously (for example, agitation, anxiety, aggressiveness or belligerence, confusion, fatigue, impulsiveness, insomnia, irritability, morbid and/or suicidal ideation, panic, paranoia, persecutory delusions, pressured speech, racing thoughts, restlessness, and rage).[8]

Taken from wikipedia

According to the all knowing Wikipedia I am showing signs of a mixed episode. Maybe only a mild one but I haven’t really had one of these before that I have been acutly aware of. I could do without the added pressure of anything else being wrong with me. Oh the joys.

I am off to burn off some of this energy i have pent up.

Until Next Time…

Getting Jiggy With Bipolar

Yes folks it’s time to get jiggy… or at least talk about getting jiggy.
This isn’t as random as it sounds. I got a weekly email from Bipolar Connect this week just gone, and it’s main headline was  The Top Ten Ways To Support Your Bipolar Mate. I love lists like this they always make me laugh… usually not in a good way either. They are usually full of flowery sentiments and they lose the realness factor and you have to have a sugar induced diabetes coma session to get through it all. So I read this article with trepidation and not half way through I was sat there with tears in my eyes. Let me quite you what struck me as funny:

4. Remember that we have certain strengths and super-hero abilities at times. Take advantage of this. For example, if we go hypomanic and suddenly desire intimacy for hours on end, or multiple times per day, help us out. Keep in mind our meds sometimes take this desire away for months on end, so when it does come around use this to your advantage. You might even go so far as to say “Paint the house and I’ll fulfil that little fantasy you’ve been hinting at for years…” The house will be painted in a matter of hours.

It was the Help us out line that got me… almost pleading.
Having the depressive side of Bipolar I don’t get many hypermanic sexual urges. It takes a lot to get me interested at the best of times. I do however occasionally use sex as an anti depressant and the endorphins rush helps for a while. But I am buggered if I am gonna paint the house just to get to see linda dressed up as Princess Leia from Star Wars… I have a good imagination :o)

Princess Leia

I knew if i tried long enough I could tie Bipolar to Star Wars. Ohhh could it be I am in a reasonable mood today… well yes it could be assumed that that was the case. I didn’t wake up until noon and then i just laid in bed listening to the Tennis. From there I got up and made breakfast and burnt everything (Go Me!!!) and after that I have just sat around doing not a lot, which is pretty usual for me lately, but for some reason no one has been on my back about anything. It’s been fun watching Mum squirm every time it started snowing… she hates the stuff and has claimed that she has had a word with the authorities that be that the snow is going to totally bypass Corby a bit like a crescent moon shape if you get my not very helpful simile.

On a totally unrelated note we watched the live broadcast of the band Elbow Live at Abbey Road with the BBC Orchestra last night. It was a blissful hour of great music done really well. The Orchestrations were top notch and the choir they had singing with them were great as well. On a Day Like This sounded the best I have ever heard it. I love the ending of that song where the band finish and it’s just vocals to the end with minimal rhythm section playing. Brilliant stuff.

This is a youtube version of Grounds for Divorce. This is the Directors Version of the video, not sure of the differences. I’ll have to pay more attention next time I am watching them. Enjoy

This is Grounds for Divorce. Not sure how long it will be available but I’ll leave it here till it expires. You can view the whole thing on the BBC website at this address Elbow Live In Concert. I do know for definite that the show in full is only available until the 7th of February 09 so get in there while it’s still available (NB: This is only available to those in the UK Sorry bout that folks outside of the UK)

Ok that does it from me for now.

Until Next Time…