It’s official I now have a foreign body in me permanently. I had two more teeth pulled today and had them replaced with a lovely set of three new plastic ones. As I write this I want to remind myself when I read this back in years to come…. that IT BLOODY HURTS WHEN THE DRUGS WEAR OFF.
When I first went to the dentist all those months back I thought that I would be getting a face full of fakery and was pleasantly surprised when he told me that I would only need three falseys. What followed was a building of my confidence to be able to go to the dentists office on my own without the major need of Lorazapam. It almost felt comfortable to go there. Now I don’t have to go back for three to four months I wonder what I will replace my little victory jaunts with. For the next four weeks I have the Life Skills workshops to do and I attend them on my own. So that’s got my weekly trip out on my own. I really need to build up my solo flights so to speak.
I just want to apologise for the crappy post last night. I was kinda bummed out about I dunno what. I think it had something to do with the Life Skills workshop and some of the issues that were raised. I couldn’t tell you what they were specifically but the whole thing kid of bought me down. I did try and speak out a little more yesterday and I contributed a little more, I just wish I knew where the sparkling wit and jovial Me went. I miss him sometimes.
OK I am gonna head off and winge some more about my mouth being sore and try and figure out what I can eat without hitting the roof… Salt and Vinegar crisps should do the open wounds some good… I need a good cry anyway lol.
Oh yeah I am now going to subscribe to scary ducks LoL Theory – Read about it HERE
It was week 2 of my Life Skills workshop today and without really knowing it a chap in the group gave me the best In to this post possible.
We were discussing what beliefs we all held about dealing with stress and one chap went around the group of people that had spoken at length last week and the people he has spoken to outside of the group dynamic and he summed me up pretty well.
“That chap” points to me “Doesn’t know what he wants as of yet”
That my sound like a derogative thing for a virtual stranger to say, but in context of the conversation he was right.
I don’t know what I want spiritually. I know there is a a higher purpose there has to be, there are to many random variable for it all to be just by chance.
Do I think that the earth was made in 7 days under 10000 years ago: Let’s not be bloody silly. One word. DINOSAURS
Do I think that Jesus Christ is our saviour: No. But I do believe that there was a guy called Jesus who lived about 2000 years ago. There are too many followers to deny that. Mass hysteria cannot be sustained for that long for there not to be some grain of truth there. I think that Jesus was a special kind of fruit and nut case who believed what he said and believed his own hype at the end and went around saying that his God was the all knowing and all powerful.
I honestly don’t know if I will ever believe in any religion or faith system. I am always open to hearing others points of view but whatever you do… don’t try and ram it down my throat. You talk, I’ll Talk and we’ll get along fine. But if you preach at me and try and bend me to your will through force you’ll lose, I am more than likely liable to get up and walk away.
This isn’t the post I wanted it to be by a long way, but I am too mixed up over this whole life skills workshop thing today to really concentrate. Why am I posting this if I am not happy with it? Well it’s because I am keeping my mind open and this is just a part of my thought train… call it snatches of my mind.
I went to the doctors with Linda this morning. I had an ulterior motive, I wanted to get the results of my COPD test that I was forced to take a couple of weeks ago. COPD for this not in the know is the new fangeled way of saying Emphasyma. I was pissed when I got the letter asking me to go. I didn’t need anything else wrong with me and I certainly didn’t want anyone telling me my lungs were shot to shit. I know I have problems… I am Asthmatic and I am a smoker. Not the best combination to have but I am also a loon who needs the calming relief of that smoking brings. That all changed this morning when I was told that I have the lungs of a 68 year old. “Cool” was my first reaction… I have the lungs of Keith Richards and I didn’t have as much fun. Then the reality kicked in not to long after that and I solemnly said to the Doc, “Time to quit eh?”
I so wanted him to give me another out like he had in the past when we discussed my quitting and it not being a good idea at the time with my BP. No such luck today. Today he was all: “Well it would help your lungs and not too mention it would help some with your diabetes and cleaning up your blood so it works better” Myheart sank and it dawned on me that I would have to give up one of my two and a half remaining vices and I’ll be damned if I am giving up Sex and Coffee.
So as of the end of my open packet of tobacco I am going smoke free. Which means I will be posting a lot more about how fucking miserable I am and how the world hates me… I hate myself right now. I never wanted to start smoking but was lulled into it being a week ass pussy and listening to my Best Friend at school saying: “It’s not that bad”
Asshats the pair of us, me and him.
Mum and Linda have said they would quit with me. I’ll see that happen I am sure… when hell freezes over.
The way I see it is I just have to be strong twenty times a day and weak willed and limp for the other 20 hours of the day. I can cut that down some by sleeping and doing more proactive things…. I plan on getting our gardens in some kind of shape. So that will take two or three days to help get the crap out of my system. I just have to break that initial habit of rolling them and lighting up.
In other news, I have downloaded and am listening to a 1993 version of Jesus Christ Superstar US A.D Tour. It brings together the two leads from the 1973 film Ted Neeley as Jesus and Carl Anderson as Judas. They both sound great and it’s a great show. I saw the 2000 DVD release of the 2000 revival in London and that one is a lot more urban than this. This I think is a lot more faithful to the original version than some others I have heard and seen. Superstar can often in the wrong hands be a dangerous beast, it’s so easy to over do the camp late 60’s early 70’s Hippy crap or to the other extreme make the whole thing look like it’s guerilla warfare in the confrontation scenes.
On Monday I had my second Pathways to Work meeting and I have drawn the conclusion that it’s going to a long slog to get back to work. Not that I am rushing back at the moment. My health is no where near at the advanced stage that would even get me out there to face the rejection of not getting the jobs I go up for. The way I see it, is that people are not going to hire a loon like me when there are 25 perfectly sane people waiting in line before me. People who don’t have the baggage to have to get medically stoned to leave the house.
My post on religion is still in the works and I promise I will have yet another stab at getting it up and posted either today or tomorrow. I have to rationalise everything as I go along as it’s the way I roll. I have the basic outline but it’s fleshing it out so it’s more than just : I am Blah blah I believe Blah Blah. I want to give a reasoned argument for the way I feel the way I do.
I needn’t of worried about my Life Skills workshop. The first get together was more like talk therapy.
There were far more people there than I thought there would be. There were probably 12-15 people there including facilitators. It was nice and relaxed to start with and then the interaction bit started. Introduce yourself to your neighbour and tell them a bit about yourself so they can feedback to the group about you and you can in turn do the same about them.
My memory is truly shot… we were talking for a good ten minutes and all I remembered was the poor ladies name and that her dog like to steal clothes of the washing line. She on the other hand remembered pretty much everything that I let slip about myself.
I did realise something rather sad. I am no longer the forthright person I used to be. I used to be the first and loudest to speak up in a group, now I am like a frikken wall flower sat in the corner waiting to be asked a direct question. Now I don’t know if that was because the group was so big and I just didn’t get my gums flapping quick enough, or was it the two Lorazapam that I took before the meeting (no way I was going in there clean…lol). After the group broke up and I walked down to the Taxi rank to get a cab home I kicked myself several times over for being a push over. I should have held my own a little more instead of being spoken over by other members of the group. Maybe next week will be different.
I slept well after the meeting. The Lorazapam has that effect on me. I have to take two when I go out as one doesn’t have much effect on me, the only downside to that is that when I finally get home and relax I start to nod off. It’s not that I mind the extra sleep, it can just be so inconvenient when I have other things I want to do. Idealy I would have posted this on Thursday Afternoon Evening but I was so whacked out I couldn’t form a sentence let alone a blog post. Friday wasn’t much better. I had everyone home and it was noisey as all hell in my head. I missed a couple of days medication this week and according to Linda this always sets me back for a week after. So that would explain the black mist I have had for the past few days. Oh Well.
This post is proudly sponsored by Gold Blend Coffee and a lack of the tired.
Last Thursday i got a letter from DWP. I didn’t open it as I was kind of worried that it was most likely to do with the IB50 form I sent in a couple of weeks ago. I knew of only one reason they would be writing me back and that was to tell me to present myself to the DWP appointed doctor for a rigorous going over with a fine tooth comb to see how mad the Government thought I really was. I left the letter for about an hour till there was someone else around to console me after I opened it and went bat shit and lost all my marbles in one go.
I opened it slowly, like Charlie with his golden ticket. I really didn’t want to have the grilling medical assessment. I have read it’s a pain in the arse. I slowly read the letter and when I picked my jaw up off of the floor I handed it to mum. I didn’t need to have the medical this time after all, but I may need to take it in the future to ascertain if I am still disabled enough to keep receiving the Incapacity Benefit. I did a happy dance. There is nothing I find more daunting that having to face up to a doctor who is pissed off that he has to see the great unwashed from the dole centre again to try and convince him that at my worst I am a gibbering wreck and at best I can just about go to the garden gate without medication. At least that’s one hurdle I don’t have to jump over just yet.
Note – This post has taken me a little over 13 hours to write so far. I first opened the page up at around noon Wednesday and now it’s just gone 1am Thursday. I still have more to say… I think I may need more coffee soon…
I start my life skills workshops today. I am (from what I can glean from the leaflet) going to helped in learning how to handle stress and how to relax and overcome the negatives in my life so I can reduce on my drugs. Good luck to em is all I can say. I hate meeting new people and the thought of having to sit in a room full of strangers and open up about my feelings is probably what’s keeping me awake tonight. I wonder if they would object if they gave me the class notes and I just sat there with my iPod playing and I just visually observe the groups activities. Something tells me that that is not going to fly with these guys. Keep your fingers crossed it’s not all touchy feely and hippy claptrap or I maybe discharged from MHS before too long.
I have a date to start my Medication Management… April 7th. So that’s looking up. I’ll be in touch with my flowery side and they’ll be messing around with my drugs at the same time. I see loads of joyfull evenings staring at the computer monitor with Mr iPod blaring for company.
That’s about it from me tonight. I do have a post that I am working on about religion and my stance with for and against it. It’s something that I am learning more about everyday I live this life. It’s an interesting story I think… Your mileage may vary 😀
The good news is that my voices have settled down to a dull roar these past week or so. My iPod has been my constant companion ever since I got it. I have listed to the entire Hitch Hikers Guide Trilogy in five parts over the past ten days. Things got pretty bad for a while and I ended up scratching myself raw again in three places on my arm, just in time for visits to the dentist so on one of the warmest days of the year so far I had to wear a long sleeved shirt just to cover up the mess I made of my arms. As usual once the blood stopped flowing on my arms and the lasting sting radiated from my scratches my mood improved, I had proved to myself again that I need a painful wake up call to bring me out of my funk. Not the healthiest way of beating depression and not one I would advocate to anyone.
As I have written before I do not class myself a s a classic self harmer. Maybe I am in denial about it. The way I see it is that I don’t do it very often so it’s not a compulsion thing, I do it to break a cycle… the more I think about it, maybe it is a compulsion. I know what the outcome will be. I know that my mood will lift once the scratches scab over and I get the stinging feeling every time i move my arm. I know that some kind of chemical reaction takes place that tells my brain that I CAN feel more than just plain old misery.
My mood whilst it’s been on the way up over the past few days, today I am bored as all hell and it’s having it’s effect. I am restless and listless and I am getting in the mood for doing something crazy just to break up the monotony. I have listened to my iPod ever since I got up and I must have heard 100 songs on a random shuffle mode and I have only skipped one or two because they didn’t fit the mood. It’s going to need charging soon and then I am going to have to find something else to take my mind off of things… I don’t know if I’ll cope…lol
I received a letter from the CMHT Saturday. My medication management is now due to begin on the 7th of April starting with a 1 hour getting to know you and all your bad shit history. I am taking my Mum along with me to that one. Maybe she can fill in some of the blanks that have developed over the past few years of over medication and medicine abuse my brain has been put through. Also in the envelope was a second letter from a nice lady who is running a course of Anxiety workshops that my ever so kind CPN has referred me too (sarcasm off). So far I have spoken to three different people about this anxiety management workshops and they all seem to think it’s a good idea. My only problem is that it means going out on my own and that causes me more anxiety than anything else. Not to mention having to open up in front of a bunch of strangers. I can talk for England but can I still do it in front of a bunch of strangers.
Looking back to my 20’s when I used to call myself an Actor (hahahah who would have thunk it me an Actor) I could get up on a stage and be anyone you wanted me to be with minimal notice. I played 70 year old men and I played gay hairdressers and I played several women. I couldn’t do that now if my life depended on it. For starters I could never learn a text off by heart these days. I couldn’t be as out going as i used to be for fear of being laughed at instead of with. I miss those days, I really wish that I had been able to continue when I moved from my home town to Kent but there were no decent theatre groups nearby. When I finally went to college to get a real qualification in Theatre I ended up having my first real meltdown and ended up quitting at the start of my second year. The course was demanding but the tutors had no people skills. They expected far to much and if you didn’t provide the goods you got the rough end of the stick… I didn’t miss that place in the slightest… but it still left a big hole but once my meltdown had been resolved and I started thinking a little more clearly I realised that I had left a bad place for something more stable..Real Life.
I have to have a test to see if i have COPD tomorrow. I dunno what COPD stands for i just know that it’s a fancy term for Emphysema. I called up to enquire why I had been summoned to have these tests I was told it was something to do with end of year financials or something like that… when they called me back they made out like it was something to do with the fact I have Asthma. I’ll be buggered if they are finding anything else wrong with me. I can’t handle the thought of it. Maybe that’s what’s put me in a pissy mood today knowing I have to go through that bullshit and then have to go to my second Pathways to Work meeting tomorrow. I really can’t be arsed with any of it at the m0ment, people want to much of me and it’s annoying.
Anywho that’s all I am gonna piss and moan about today. Hope everyone enjoys the rest of your Sunday and your next week ahead isn’t as busy and annoying as mine is going to be. Be Safe and Be Lucky.