As I suspected yesterday I bottled it and cancelled my appointment this morning. Well I tried to cancel it but apparently it wasn’t booked until next Monday which is a bank holiday so after playing some phone tag we got it sorted so that the appointment has been rescheduled for the 11th May. I didn’t go to get the blood test done either I just couldn’t face being out in public with all the staring faces looking at me. I don’t know what they are staring at but it feels like they know something about me and they are judging me on that one thing. Whether it’s my size or my Bipolar I don’t know, but they are staring and talking about me for some reason. I couldn’t put it into words this morning so I couldn’t properly explain it to Mum she had to blindly trust in that
“I just don’t feel up to it”
was all she was going to get from me and that was it.
I took my mind of everything today by organizing my movies and radio shows on my computer for 6 hours and pretty much ignored everything else.
I wish I had something else to do other than sit in front of either the computer or the TV.
I kept myself busy today and tried not to think about tomorrow. I supposed to have a meeting with Working Links in another pointless meeting about going back to work. Something I can’t foresee me doing for a while seeing as I can’t get to the bus stop with getting myself in a flap. I am taking small steps to try and get back to work, but it’s just stuff like going to the dentist on my own… taxi from door to door stuff. If I can get out of going to populated areas I will. I don’t know if that is a habit I am cornering myself into or if it’s all part of the anxiety issues. If I were to guess today, then I would say it’s about 20/80 in favour of the later.
I bailed on the meeting last time and felt a complete failure then and I just know that when it comes round tomorrow morning will be just the same. I also have to get a fasting blood test done at some point tomorrow so I have had to stop eating and drinking after 10pm this evening. NO COFFEE. I went to bed early.
Not much happened today. I was a bit emotional at being so stressed out yesterday afternoon. I just got on with the day and tried to put yesterday out of my head. I spent most of today playing around with radio programmes on the computer just to give me something to do instead of thinking about the negative stuff.
All of the calm I had felt the past couple of days had evaporated by this morning. My anxiety levels were way up and I didn’t think I would cope with going out today and it took and a daytime Lorazapam to get me out of the door.
It was the last Life Skills group today and after missing last week I felt that I would stick out like a sore thumb and not get much out of the group today.
Once the group got started I felt a bit penned in and was kind of stage struck (best way I can put it). I felt like everything was going over my head and I had nothing of value to contribute to the discussion. It wasn’t until after the break we took that Isabelle coaxed me into the conversation and I started having a little more input. Once I got involved my anxiety started to calm down and I almost forgot that I was in a room with 8 virtual strangers and I was talking about personal stuff.
One thing that did surprise me today was the fact that I gave an honest evaluation of my anxiety levels since I started these life skills groups. When I started I rated myself as a 2 on a scale of 1 being the most anxious I get and 10 being the least. Today when we filled out the end of course evaluation I rated myself as an 8. I filled the form out as quickly as I could giving the most honest answers I could and I surprised myself at that score. I have felt that my anxiety levels have dropped considerably since I started. I still get very anxious if I have to go out by myself but that’s OK and I have ways of dealing with it. There are days when I can’t handle it and I feel like hiding away but if I am out and the anxiety levels creep up on me I have ways to handle that now. I try and relax properly for ten minutes before I go out and then just breathe my way through town.
I spoke to Isabelle about the art project they are running over the next few months and thought it sounded quite exciting and thought I could get involved. Finally, something to get excited about.
I am going to miss the weekly get out of the house and get together with a group of people and have a chat. I haven’t had anything like that in all the time I have been in Corby. I have been so insular and kept to myself. Even when I was working I never really mixed with everyone. I think I went out on 5 nights out with the various teams I was on in 6 years with the company.
Leaving the group was not so much a problem more of a bit of a niggle, All I had to do was walk to the end of the road to get in a taxi. I wasn’t up to going into town today I just wanted to get home and close the door. Funny how I was fine whilst I was out, but inside with strangers but send me out into the outside world in the fresh air I am a bag of nerves.
Came home and just plugged my iPod in and forgot about the world for a while. Again I felt the need to block out the world and that’s pretty much how the rest of the evening went. I stayed in my little corner on the computer with headphones on.
Another 50/50 failure and success day I guess.
No real problems today. Stayed home, no reason to go out. No anxiety problems and still feeling quite up from the meeting yesterday afternoon. I have been home alone most of the day with both Linda and mum being at work. I enjoy the peace and quiet of being home alone. I am glad when Mum and Linda are home it gives me someone to talk to and not be so introverted and it gives me some focus away from me for a while.
Spent time away from the computer catching up on some TV that we had recorded, so away from the computer for the second night running.
No real major panics today. I was a little apprehensive at the thought of going out but I had no problems with the meeting once I got there. I am finding it really quite hard to come to terms with having memory loss. I hadn’t realised how bad it was until I started these Medication Management meetings. I have problems remembering all the details of what has gone on in my own life. I don’t know if this is a medication thing or if it’s a getting older thing. Very disconcerting.
After the meeting I found it quite a stress going into town and doing a little shopping and just wanted to get out of town and back home as quickly as possible. As a consequence we forgot a few things we were in town for.
I do find that as was mentioned in the meeting today I do feel quite up after getting home and not that inclined to sit in front of the computer with headphones on blocking everything out. Spent some time with the family and watched a film