I have a few websites that I read daily (actually I read some of them ten times a day, mostly news sites).
One of them is entertainment website Digital Spy. I read it mostly for it’s cult section and the forums can be fun at times. But Occasionally a strange article will catch my eye, in a section that I would never normally read. Today that happened and it was in the Eastenders section. Now I have to say that I hate with a passion all the soaps. They are almost as bad as Reality TV. In this house that doesn’t leave me much TV time. Anyway getting back to the train of thought I was on… This article is about a storyline that is currently playing out on Eastenders. The story line is based around the character Stacy Slater and her finding out that she is Bipolar. Here is a link to the story. i won’t go into the story line but from my understanding of the whole premise is that her Mother Jean has bipolar and now Stacey has it too. See I just cut down a whole months worth of boring soap land pap into one sentence… I’d be a crap soap opera writer.

This whole thing lead me to start thinking about the rationale behind the whole Bipolar is a Genetic condition. I have not seen any concrete evidence that states that it is and on the same hand I haven’t seen any that disproves it. I guess in the cold light of day it should make sense that it’s genetic seeing as it’s a chemical imbalance in your brain which could be classed as part of your genetic make up. In my case though is where the whole theory falls flat on its arse. Neither of my parents were/are Bipolar. Now the illness could have skipped a generation as my maternal grandfather was a Manic Depressive.

I only met him once and I don’t remember that because I was way to young. But from what I have been told that he was quite severely ridden with the illness. He went through Electro Shock Therapy in the bad old days where you would get your noodle fried and lose days of memories and be catatonic for a week after the treatment.

I don’t know if my illness is directly contributed too by my grandfathers illness but there COULD be a link. A Link that I think deserves more research. BUT dear readers that is where I am at a loss. I have tried googling bipolar genetic links and haven’t come up with anything that gives any firm answers ( I know that here is not a definite yes or no answer but i need more than the usual we surveyed 34 people and their great aunts type survey). So if you know of any good links with articles please leave a comment with a link or two.

Also if you have any opinions about this leave a comment and let me know your thoughts.

Until Next Time…

Feeling Like A Failure

It’s hard sometimes to keep yourself up and alive and active. Take today for example. I originally woke up at 7.30am and came down and had a smoke, and decided that I would go back to bed for a couple of hours just to get the rest of the drugs side effects out of my system. I woke up again at 11.25am and the morning was shot to shit. I crawled downstairs had another smoke whilst I waited for the Kettle to boil for the first of many cups of coffee of the day.
Next stop is the computer and I fire up iTunes and hit shuffle and let that do it’s thing and then it’s the email to see who is abusing who in the world.
I don’t eat much any more… I just don’t feel hungry most of the time so I don’t eat, simple as. I have to eat SOMETHING to take my diabetes medication so I just have a slice of toast but this morning I felt decadent so I had some jam on my toast. I felt ill after eating it.

The rest of my day consists of sitting here at the computer talking with my brother sporadically and surfing umpteen web pages and trying to guess which random choices iTunes will choose next. I ponder doing housework but that involves effort and energy, two things I seem to be lacking at the moment. I have a list of things that need to be done around here but I’ll be damned if i can muster up the enthusiasm to do them. the day is punctuated between coffee breaks and smoke breaks.

Once everyone gets home I spend a little time chatting with them about what their day has been like… they have had shitty hectic days, total polar opposite to me. They are working like dogs on a frozen tundra and we have nothing to show for it. Money is getting even tighter every day. Even pay day is going to be hard as we will see money in the bank but we won’t be able to touch it for fear of incurring more charges from the bank. It’s only going to get worse I fear.

I know times are tough for everyone right now but i never in my wildest nightmares think that it would be this bad. We are actually at the point of wondering if will will have enough money to make it through the month to buy food. We have a contingency plan of sticking up on pasta and eating pasta with salt for added flavour. Hopefully we will have this very very lean month and then we will be back on top of things again. We can only hope.

My mood as you can probably understand is pretty much at rock bottom. I am secluding myself away from the family for as much as possible, but it’s only a matter of time before that starts to piss people off too. My rationale is that If I am over here on the computer I am out of the way not doing harm to anyone else. I cut my nails off today as I felt the urge to scratch myself again. I couldn’t find any elastic bands to try and avoid the temptation that way so I distracted myself by cutting the nails off. I could probably still make a nice mess of myself but the moment passed and I am unscathed.

Well I am going to call it a night and go to bed. I am starting to get an earache so I am gonna take some lovely pain pills and I should be awake by lunchtime tomorrow.

Be Well Y’all.

Until Next Time…

If music be the food….

As you may have noticed things have been pretty quiet around here with the exception of a spate of posts made about my medication management diary. There will be more of those coming so you will see a lot more posts from me in the near future.

I have been mostly absent from the blogosphere for the past month due to having not much enthusiasm to write. I have to keep the diary so I will be writing more from now on whether I like it or not. Part of my “homework” for medication management, apart from the diary was to create a list of what I like doing for myself. It seems that I am not focusing on the positives that I like doing and I need to be doing more of that apparently. It seems so self indulgent to think just of me when Mum and Linda are going through the same hard times I am. OK they don’t have the voices and hallucinations to deal with or the lack of ability to go out unaided. But things are tight here and we are all having to make bigish sacrifices just to make it from one pay day to the next. I dread the next email I get from the bank. They only email me to tell me they are charging me a fee for going overdrawn on my overdraft or to say I have a statement waiting to be read. It’s usually the previous.

Any way back to that list:

Using the Computer
Creative Writing
Watching Films
Listening to Old Radio Plays
Contributing of various On-line radio Forums
Digital Graphic Art

Looking back over that list I must seem like a very insular person. None of it involves leaving the house. I seem to have become entrenched in the house. I wouldn’t even know where to start to find a hobby that involved leaving the house. There is some talk of my joining a creative writing group at the local library but I don’t have any details on that yet. I do need to find something to do outside of the house, especially seeing as I don’t see myself being back in work anytime soon. If the Bipolar doesn’t kibosh me the economy will. Who in this climate is going to employ a liability like me. Oh well it will all sort itself out in the long run.

I am on week 5 of my medication management programme. I am finally reducing some of the medications. MY Flupentixol is down to 0.5mg am and 1mg at night and I have been taken off of my wonder drug Lorazapam and had it replaced with Diazapam originally at 5mgs and today reduced down to 4mgs. I haven’t really noticed much in the way of withdrawals from the Lorazapam which is something they were worried about. The change over to Diazapam has been smooth. The reason for the change in dosage today was because I mentioned that I had been sleeping a lot over the past week so the doctor reduced the Diazapam too see if that would help.

My life skills group ended the week before last and I miss it. OK I may not have gotten the most out of the group but I did get some good info and it was nice to meet up with a group of people every week to talk. The groups were very loose and our conversations often strayed off course and it was all very anecdotal. everyone had at least one story to share each week and it made the two hours of the group fly by. I look forward to any other groups I can get involved with. My spirit seems lifted after being involved in a talking therapy group type situation. I think it must have something to do with getting out of the house and having someone else to talk to other than the dust bunnies growing around my mouse pad.

I sem to be having problems sleeping. I have been up all night now. It’s now 5.30am and I am still not tired. So i figure I will just stay awake until I do get tired or fall asleep sat at the computer. No doubt the later will happen sooner or later. Linda and Mumn will be getting up to get ready for work soon and I will just sit back and wait to wave them bye bye. I don’t know what’s more depressing, not being able to work or having to work when your sick. I wish there was an easy answer but I just don’t see it at the moment.

The sun is coming up outside. So I will confine this to the archive and say:

Until Next Time…