Feeling Like A Failure

It’s hard sometimes to keep yourself up and alive and active. Take today for example. I originally woke up at 7.30am and came down and had a smoke, and decided that I would go back to bed for a couple of hours just to get the rest of the drugs side effects out of my system. I woke up again at 11.25am and the morning was shot to shit. I crawled downstairs had another smoke whilst I waited for the Kettle to boil for the first of many cups of coffee of the day.
Next stop is the computer and I fire up iTunes and hit shuffle and let that do it’s thing and then it’s the email to see who is abusing who in the world.
I don’t eat much any more… I just don’t feel hungry most of the time so I don’t eat, simple as. I have to eat SOMETHING to take my diabetes medication so I just have a slice of toast but this morning I felt decadent so I had some jam on my toast. I felt ill after eating it.

The rest of my day consists of sitting here at the computer talking with my brother sporadically and surfing umpteen web pages and trying to guess which random choices iTunes will choose next. I ponder doing housework but that involves effort and energy, two things I seem to be lacking at the moment. I have a list of things that need to be done around here but I’ll be damned if i can muster up the enthusiasm to do them. the day is punctuated between coffee breaks and smoke breaks.

Once everyone gets home I spend a little time chatting with them about what their day has been like… they have had shitty hectic days, total polar opposite to me. They are working like dogs on a frozen tundra and we have nothing to show for it. Money is getting even tighter every day. Even pay day is going to be hard as we will see money in the bank but we won’t be able to touch it for fear of incurring more charges from the bank. It’s only going to get worse I fear.

I know times are tough for everyone right now but i never in my wildest nightmares think that it would be this bad. We are actually at the point of wondering if will will have enough money to make it through the month to buy food. We have a contingency plan of sticking up on pasta and eating pasta with salt for added flavour. Hopefully we will have this very very lean month and then we will be back on top of things again. We can only hope.

My mood as you can probably understand is pretty much at rock bottom. I am secluding myself away from the family for as much as possible, but it’s only a matter of time before that starts to piss people off too. My rationale is that If I am over here on the computer I am out of the way not doing harm to anyone else. I cut my nails off today as I felt the urge to scratch myself again. I couldn’t find any elastic bands to try and avoid the temptation that way so I distracted myself by cutting the nails off. I could probably still make a nice mess of myself but the moment passed and I am unscathed.

Well I am going to call it a night and go to bed. I am starting to get an earache so I am gonna take some lovely pain pills and I should be awake by lunchtime tomorrow.

Be Well Y’all.

Until Next Time…

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