In The Middle

It’s 3am and I have no desire to sleep. I haven’t drunk an inordinate amount of coffee today so I know that that isn’t the issue that I would usually put this state down to. Again I am finding things to much effort. I just sit and veg in front of the PC monitor all day. I have a list of things I could be doing, but I have no enthusiasm to do them.

Something i didn’t mention in my last post that I had meant to. Being Diabetic I have to go for annual eye screening to check for ocular deterioration. Well, this years screening wasn’t a big success as I kind of refused to have eye drops placed in my eyes (I hadn’t needed them the year before and I wasn’t all that enthused about having them this year). I had the tests done without the eye drops and then was told that in future I would HAVE to have the drops to facilitate accurate readings being taken. I kind of wish that I had had the eye drops in the first place because six weeks after the test I got a letter stating that I needed to have further tests done to check if my eyes were in fact OK. I was given a date to go to Kettering General Hospital in September, but got a phone call the week before last to see if I could go Saturday afternoon. I said yes, anything to get it over and done with. I went for the tests and had the eye drops put in (they sting like a mofo) and sat back and waited for my name to be called to see the consultant Ophthalmologist. When it was my turn I headed into a dark room that wasn’t quite as dark as i would have been if my eyes weren’t like saucers.He ran the usual gamut of tests on my eyes and calmly stated that my eyes were fine but I should get them checked every year from now on, to which I thought yeah I get the eye test free but the non clunky glasses cost money and that just something I don’t have at the moment.

Anyway the reason I made you read all of that is to tell you that I have decided that there are many thing I want to see before I inevitably go blind through one cause or another. I want to see a classic work of art in the flesh. Not something that is just mass reproduced.. I want to go to a museum and see it for myself and stand there for as long as is needed till it all makes sense. There are books that I HAVE to read before I can’t see the written word. I am only one book into the Lord Of The Rings. I have to finish that. I want to read the Harry Potter books. There are so many films and plays that I want to see. So I have made a concious decision to take more time out and away from the computer to take in all the things I should have done by now. At the age of 35 and being the nerdy geek that I am I should have done most of not all of the things I have mentioned above by now and be looking for even more ways to bash the old noodle with visuals.

There isn’t much more going on in my life. I have two pieces of artwork to be printed up for the CMHS Art show in October, only problem being is I have no Photo paper and no money to get into town to get any more even if I had the money to buy any. I should have gotten some when I had the money but I was assured we had some around here somewhere and when it came to find it it wasn’t in the place it was last thought to have been. The deadline is Wednesday and it’s now the early hours of Tuesday morning. Who knows miracles might happen between now and then. If I don’t get the paper and don’t get them entered I will post up the one image that hasn’t been posted here before and show you my handy work. Look out for it some time next week.

I am thinking of turning my other web domain into a reviews site. Reviewing movies, radio shows and anything else I come across, I figure if I am going to be seeing all this new stuff then I should at least make something physical out of the experience. I have been playing with different ideas of what to do with that space since I closed down my first blog and mothballed it to a legacy spot at the back of the accounts cupboard.

Well that’s about it from me for now.

Until Next Time…

Lower.

It’s all a bunch of bullshit.

It’s that plain and simple. I have been depressed now for 4 days and it seems to be getting worse. It started off my missing a dose of my medication and it kind of spiralled downwards from there. Going from restlessness to ambivalence to sleeping all the time to not having an appetite and now I am not sleeping at all.It is just so draining doing anything that doesn’t involve moving.

I don’t mean to be all heavy and morose but I am so sick and tired of being this way. I have no one I can really talk to. Mum and Linda do their best to try and cheer me up but it all seems so futile in the end. I want to run away and hide in the corner. The old joke there would be for me to sit in the corner and count my feet…. but I am afraid I would fuck that up too at the moment.

It’s 7am and I have been up for 2 hours, I didn’t go to bed till 3am.

(Fast Forward 90 minutes)

I am still awake and getting less and less sleepy as the minutes tick by. I think sleep is a no go for me today. I shall just veg here in the comfort of my squeaky computer chair and listen to film soundtracks all day. Not my ideal day. My ideal day would include doing something that didn’t involve being so down that suicide looked like a step up.

I am not suicidal. I may be feeling pretty shit but I know this will pass in time. Just doesn’t help me in the short term. In the here and now I want to smiles and chocolate cake, but all I have is cold coffee and bird shit.

How many more ways I wonder can my life feel like poop. I dunno. Is there any point to making an effort any more.

As I said before… It’s all a bunch of Bullshit

Until Next Time…