Well hello there… nice to meet you again. Did you miss me?.. didn’t think so…but anyway onto the news.

Not much to say really. My mood is all over the place. I really don’t know what to do with myself most of the time. I spent Monday and Tuesday moping around and Wednesday… well I’ll come to Wednesday in a minute. Thursday was residual highs of Wednesday but by lunch time I was back to where I was on Tuesday and today I am just blasé about everything. The only thing that is keeping my spirits up today is the thought of seeing a couple of minutes sneak peek at the first Christmas Doctor Who special on Children in Need. Oh how easily I am amused.

Anyway Wednesday. Wednesday is my usual day for relaxation group. This week I had my anxiety meeting too Anxiety first the relaxation… It worked for me, it saved me going out twice in one week to the same place. Anyway I enjoyed my time at the Bungalow I always do. It seems a very relaxing place.
I came home at about 3.30ish and sat down at my computer to check emails and at about 4pm I got a phone call from one of the people organizing the Art Show I entered some digital doodles in. She had some weird news for me, well it was weird to me. It turns out that someone liked the Blue Image that i had thrown together and they wanted to buy it… GET THAT… SOMEONE WANTED TO BUY IT..

If you don’t remember which one I am talking about you can take another squizz here.

I was asked what I would charge for it and I just started stammering and blurted out…

“Tell them to make me an offer”

That got a bit of a giggle. So I don’t know if my indecisiveness on Price will put them off but hey someone showed some interest. The Sour Puss piece is going to be shown at the local MHT building that has just been refurbed. So in theory my art is being shown and sold all over the shop. I have probably put a jinx on the whole thing by talking about it before it’s a done deal but I am kinda excited about it all. I’ll keep you informed.

I found a cool live rendition of Roger Waters Amused to Death. It’s just over 9 minutes long but worth it… and no quips about good ol Rog looking like Richard Gere.

Until Next Time…

Up and Down – Mostly Down

OK, I admit it I missed a couple of doses of meds this past week but does that really give my head the excuse to go all curley whirly on me. Nothing seems to be calming me down. I am as jumpy as a Cajun catfish on the end of a hook and I am seeing shit that should never be seen by a human. Oh and yeah, I can smell my feet, and I took a shower this morning. I think I need new slippers or a new med to get rid of smelly hallucinations.

Honestly I have tried sleeping through it, I have re-introduced the 1mg of respiridone to take me back up to 7mgs a day I have tried eating healthy. I used the relaxation stuff I was given, but none of it seems to work. I am at this precise moment listening to Fleetwood Mac in the hope that Stevie Nicks will whisk the funk away. I am sure Lindsey Buckingham is holding her back but I dun care she will pull through for me.

Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham

I am getting more and more preoccupied with things that don’t really need that much attention. If I make a cup of coffee it has to be done in a certain way. Every time the milk has to come out of the fridge just before the kettle boils and then I have to stir it ten times one way and ten times the other. If I didn’t know any better I’d say I was getting a little OCD over coffee. Which is quite scary seeing as I drink 7 or 8 cups of coffee a day. I know I am doing it and it’s becoming a real drag going through the rigmarole every time.

It seems that the symptoms are all coming at once. Along with the repetitious stuff, I am getting paranoid and hallucinating. The Paranoia is based around anything that I am unsure of. If someone mentions an un-named person on Twitter, Facebook or an online forum, I usually assume it’s me that they are talking about and I try and find a way of assuaging the feeling by trying to offer a solution. OK that’s me being helpful but I know the reason behind being helpful. If I offer the solution and suddenly I can no longer see the feed or whatever I know it’s me. In a rational way of thinking I know I have done nothing wrong, but I still get the paranoia questions running through my head:

Did I say Something Wrong?
Did I do something Wrong?
Did I get to Pushy and come of creepy and stalkerish?

To make the paranoia worse I am seeing things again. Surprisingly not the man outside the window, but bugs flying and crawling all around me. I am also seeing someone crawling under my computer desk. It’s a glass topped computer desk and I see a dark shadow of a figure crawling underneath. Of course I know it’s not there now but it’s getting more and more frequent and I am constantly looking for the figure to be there. I really want all this to stop and let my head get back to a normal space.

Until Next Time…

Last Week

I meant to post all this last week but one thing led to another and I never got around to it.

Monday I went for my 6monthly Diabetes check up. I had had the blood work done the week before so now it was time to man up and go get the bad news. Diabetes appointments are usually always bad news for me. It’s either threats of my legs dropping off or the fact that I am gonna need Viagra some time in the future. I tell ya if I wasn’t depressed before I go in I usually an afterwards. As is my way at the moment I turned up a few minutes (read 15) early for the appointment, but was lucky that the Diabetic Nurse was running way early which meant I got seen pretty quick.

Getting my blood done was a risk seeing as it was only 5 months since my last test and the path lab are notorious for not repeating tests like the H-Test under the prescribed times. It seemed like they were playing silly arses again as my test results weren’t on the system, The Nurse had to phone through to the path lab to get them, they weren’t answering the phone… it took nearly an hour to get my results. Once we went through the normal questions… How are you? What have you been up to? Blah Blah Blah. We get done to the nitty gritty of doing the diabetes checks. Feet check… glad i washed em… Weight check… Lost 6lbs down to 19st 5lbs. I haven’t put wait on for quite a few months and have been steadily losing it for about 4 years. Now if I added exercise to my life I might really start losing weight, but it all too much bloody effort to be honest. I know I have to at some point or my heart is going to pack up one day…. but I just don’t know where to start. Answers on a postcard please. She asked me a few standard questions… when did I last have my eyes checked… ummmm the letter i just got said it’s over two years but I am not counting if they aren’t. To be honest after being in the consulting room for close to 40 minutes my bipolar head was starting to get a bit antsy. I had to give a urine sample and that came back just above normal for something or other. Finally after everything had been done the Nurse tried the Path Lab again for my H-Test results. After phoneing she was goven another direct number to use and after some argy bargy got the result and it turns out that my result was 8.9 down two whole points from my last test. Which is great seeing as it had been floating around 10-12 for the past couple of years (hence the leg dropping off and Viagra warnings).

Right at the very end of the meeting I mentioned about how disappointed I was at losing my appointments with the specialist Diabetes Nurse, after I explained the reasons she said that she would make more arrangements for me (and she did, I have another specialists appointment on the 15th of December.) The Nurse mentioned a new type of Diabetes medication that is being prescribed at the moment (I don’t remember the name sorry) that helps with weight loss as well as countering the effects of having Diabetes. She can’t prescribe I have to see the Diabetes Consultant for that and the waiting list is quite long, but he does have a new registrar so it could be sooner rather than later to see him. But it’s definitely not going to be this side of Christmas.

Fast forward to Wednesday and the Relaxation group started. I arrived a few minutes early and was asked to wait in the other meeting room whilst the facilitator finished prepping the room we would have the meeting in. All of a sudden I felt myself being very self concious. I felt as big as a house and knowing that a relaxation group would have breathing exercises included my chest got kind of tight and my breathing became a bit laboured. I had to relax myself enough to go through a relaxation course. A very bizarre feeling for sure.

Once in the room there was relaxing music and a soft wafting of some kind of aromatherapy oil and all the blinds were closed so it was kind of like my teenage bedroom all over again. there were 4 people at the gropup this week but she was expecting another four or six more next week. I felt it was just about comfortable with the ones we had there then. The room isn’t exactly the most spacious and if she expects Ten people to be in that room without anxiety levels shooting up she is a bit deluded me thinks.

The relaxation group runs like this:

A hello how ya doing intro
A 40 minute relaxation period (eyes closed listening to her talk about feeling lazy)
A coffee and a chat

At least that’s how it’s supposed to go. I guess We’ll see this next Wednesday.

We were given a wallet with some reading material and a few relaxation cd’s to listen to. I have ripped them and put them on my iPod for a relaxation on the go test. When I finally go out I will try it.

That’s about it for last week. The rest of the time I shamelessly hid away depressed and in my Pyjamas. I abused sleeping pills somewhat and slept a lot and wasn’t very nice to be around I guess. The depression is getting worse, and my ability to fight it is becoming less and less. It is getting harder to not take the sleeping pills just so I can sleep all day and avoid situation normal. I hate being this way but I can’t help it.
One of my so called friends from school posted on their Facebook page about How they have to keep working to pay for the Benefit Scroungers. I wanted to kick up such a fuss but then remembered that if I kicked up a fuss it would lead to questions which would lead to revelations which would lead to half of my year at school knowing that I finally went crazy and am now a walking medicine cabinet. I guess the stigma is in my head, but I know these people. These are the same people who teased me for being fat at school. Given half the chance they’d do the same now. that’s why i never put full body shots on Facebook only head shits from the shoulders up. At least the worst they can say then is I have a fat head and a weird haircut.

On enough of the pity party I am off to listen to the new Them Crooked Vultures CD on You Tube .

Until Next Time…

10 Commandments Of Bipolar Disorder

I found this list on a Bipolar forum this evening and it struck me as funny.

1.Thou shalt not blame everything on chemical imbalance.
2.Thou shalt avoid high places and sharp objects when on either extreme of the
mood spectrum.
3.Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s shiny trinkets.
4.Thou shalt not trust any shrink who writes thee up a prescription after the first 15 minutes.
5.Thou shalt not beat up anyone while on a manic fit, no matter how much ye really want to,
or how much they deserve it.
6.Thou shalt indulge in immaturity whenever the urge strikes thee.
7.Thou shalt not break stuff that does not belong to thee.
8.Thou shalt go to bed only when ye feel tired.
9.Thou shalt allow others to occasionally get a word in edgewise.
10.Thou shalt not send people crazy e-mails at odd hours of the night.

Can anyone expand on the list? Leave a comment if you can.

Until Next Time…