I wish I had a set of goals that I could look towards. Something to build my life up to. At the moment all I can manage is just to get up in the morning and keep my ass awake for the duration. I have started taking the Zopiclone at night to get me to sleep and keep me that way. I am only doing this so I don’t have to be awake any longer than is necessary. It’s not an ideal way of living life but it’s all I can muster at the moment.
I have two groups that I attend during the week and to be honest I don’t feel much like going to either. The first on a Monday is a discussion group. There are about 10 people in the group and the idea is that a topic is chosen each week and then for the next 90 minutes we discuss said topic. Last week was quite good. We discussed Law and Order (not the TV show). I had a fair shake of saying my piece when I had an original thought that didn’t involve just the words, “I agree”.
The second group is a repeat of the relaxation group from before Christmas. Everyone missed the first week and about 6 people showed up for week 2. So a more manageable group size. I guess it doesn’t help that the building these groups are held is not the largest of buildings. For one to one meetings the room sizes are perfect. Nice and cosy and not to oppressive (unless they have all the heaters on and then it’s like a sauna). It’s great to have somewhere I can go to let off a little steam a couple of times a week, as I don’t really have anything else in my life to call my own. I escape by putting headphones on while I am on the computer and that is about the extent of my escape.
Putting myself out there is proving to be harder than I thought it would. I could probably handle a smaller group but to be honest I think it could have something to do with my being the youngest of the group (or at least I think I am). The size of the group is a little intimidating and it got quite loud last week. Not that I mind a heated debate but it seemed that it was the same two people talking and getting more and more self agitated. The mood I am in right now I would probably put my foot in it and tell them to shut the fuck up. I think I will give Tomorrows meeting a miss. As the old saying goes…”If you don’t have anything good to say…. Say Nothing!!!”
(Skip forward a few hours)
I came clean with Mum and my wife about how I am feeling. Both came up with the same idea that I should phone the MHT tomorrow morning and see what they say. Mum and I are going into town at some point tomorrow, maybe I’ll be able to get an emergency appointment with the Pdoc. I’ll deal with that in the morning. My problem still remains, how do I explain how I am feeling when I can’t explain it to myself. I KNOW how I feel but putting it into words to some one else is a totally different proposition. The closest I came to it tonight was to try and explain that “there was a fire under my skin that can’t break through”. All very Jim Morrison like but the best I could do. I just want to rip the skin off of my bones and let it out that way. I guess that’s the Self Harmer in me trying to get out. It’s a struggle not to do it, the one thing stopping me is the feeling of letting everyone down when I do it. I get such sorrowful looks that it makes me feel ten times worse.
I am going to call it a night soon and just go hide away in my dark little room alone and hope the night passes quickly. Well I can always hope…
Until Next Time…