It’s almost 3.30 in the morning. It’s now Friday. I haven’t slept since 1pm Thursday. Not a big deal you’d think but I have been off the Zopiclone since Monday night and I miss my little Orange friends. As you may recall this is a conscious decision to stop taking them for a while to let my body readjust to normality. I wish I had never fucking bothered. I have had nothing but problems since Monday with racing thoughts sleepless nights and I may add an irritable urge to mow the grass in my garden.
I took Zopiclone on Monday night and slept fairly well (I think… it’s hard for me to keep track at the moment). As I blogged I woke up with a Zopiclone hangover (Thanks Pandora) and I decided then that I needed a break from them, I do like to stick by my ill informed choices. Tuesday night I was awake all night Wednesday I slept for 4 hours By the time it had gotten to Midnight Wednesday into Thursday I had had 6 hours sleep in about 56 hours or something like that. I hadn’t had this reaction to stopping Zopiclone before and if it wasn’t for the fact that I have to be up and alert this morning I would have taken then just to get back into some kind of normal rhythm. Thursday night I went to bed a little before midnight and was up at 3 am and again at 7 am I was up for a couple of hours to take meds and such and went back to bed and died until around 1pm I think my body just gave up and had to shut down. I couldn’t have done anything about it if I tried.
But as I said I have been up all day and I am back to where I was Tuesday night. Wide awake and alert as a Meerkat on acid. I have a pretty full morning taking Mum to Doctors appointments but I hope that by the time We have done the circuit of Doctors and town I’ll be able to come back and sleep for at least a little while. I do know one thing Tomorrow night I am taking Zopiclone and fuck the hangover I’ll sleep my ass through it.
Ever since I got my iPhone I have been obsessed with using the camera on it… which is quite annoying seeing as i just bought a brand new point and shoot for carrying around with me. I guess the new point and shoot will have to do for night shooting because the iPhone doesn’t have a flash and is pretty pants under anything but bright house light or outside daylight… will have to play around with the apps i have and see what I can achieve with them in lower light levels.
These three images were all taken about a week or so ago whilst I was waiting for a taxi to take to to a group therapy session. They are taken using the Hipstomatic app which grunges up your photos and gives them a Grindhouse/Horror show look… I like the basic app so much I am thinking about paying out for some of the extras that go with it. We’ll see.
(As a disclaimer… I saw the phrase Zopiclone Hangover either on Twitter or a Blog this morning whilst being in the middle of a Zopiclone Hangover. I can’t attribute exactly the person who said it but if you read this and recognise your words… thanks for the inspiration.)
I go in spurts of needing to take Zopiclone. I take it for about a week and then I try and sleep without it. I think I have reached the point where I need to take a break from the drug. Personally for me I think it builds up in my system and leads to a point where I can spend a whole day in bed in actual deep sleep. It’s one of these trigger things I have noticed.
Zopiclone was prescribed for me on an as needed basis. I have serious bouts of insomnia where I can go days on VERY little sleep and in the end I end up depressed and so miserable and the hallucinations get to a point where I would do anything to shut them up and just die. That’s the point I know I should have been taking the big Z for a few days already. I usually manage to take it for about a week to 10 days a month and I get evened out and am sorted for the same type of period.
When I get to the breaking point after taking it I get the worst drug induced hangovers. I am not a drinker any more but I used to be and I never suffered that much with Alcoholic Hangovers. I felt a bit rough if I had really tied one one but I was generally pretty lucky not to suffer to much. I think it helped that I was a big fella and I had a lot of system to mess up and when I was drinking I was usually working in the theatre at the same time so I had the incentive to be on the top of my game. I was also gifted with a sense of knowing when to give up. I had my little tell of when enough Alcohol had been drunk… My Nose Went NUMB. I knew it was time to stop when the old schnozz went fuzzy wuzzy.
The Zopiclone Hangovers are much worse. They don’t let me get out of bed to get a drink of water, they tie me to the bed until I hurt. Maybe it’s because my bed is old and maybe the mattress needs turning but I ache in my back and stomach muscles most hangover mornings. I think the drug knocks me out so far that I find the worlds most uncomfortable sleeping position and stay there until my body decides it’s time to move. I am not even sure a Tempura Memory foam mattress would help at this point. Well anyway I have reached my limit for taking the drug at the moment. I need a break and some natural sleep. I’ll handle the headaches for the next couple of days while it gets out of my system totally, I’ll take the slightly broken sleep while my body realises that it doesn’t need the drug any more for now.
It’ll take about three days to get fully back to normal. I’ll get the sleep I need and hopefully it will stop the over excessive sleeping during the day. I know the pattern now and can gauge myself accordingly. I may have some pretty late nights because of it but I have a whole bunch of TV Sky+’ed waiting to be watched not to mention all the stuff I have downloaded.
That’s it for now… I am off for my 5th cup of coffee of the day. Keep yourselves safe
Don’t panic folks I am not a raving politico but rather an interested party. In every Election since I was 18 I have always picked out an issue or two that means the most to me. When I was in education obviously it was what they were going to do for students. When I worked and was earning my own money I was interested in taxation. This time around it has to be about Mental Health provisions.
It seems that all three main parties are “planning” on increasing the provision of Talking Therapies. They are planning on doing this by creating 8,000-10,000 new Therapists to facilitate 900,000 new spaces for sufferers of depression and related illnesses. One question should be raised… Where are these 8-10,000 new therapists going to come from in the next year?
According to Rethink, 40 Health Foundations are being asked to cut more from their annual budgets, and one way they have suggested doing this is by cutting 4.5-5% from mental health budgets. They are using MH budgets as soft options as no one “really” dies from depression do they? Not “REALLY”. I can understand there needing to be cuts in the NHS but taking money from one area you have just committed to funding to god know how much training and supplying new Talking Therapies is just cutting of your nose to spite your face. It is said that the cuts would amount to a saving of £50million. Which to my mind would be a saving of about Zero lives when it comes down to the devastation caused by a wrecked life caused by depression and mania for a Bipolar sufferer. I don’t think these bureaucrats have any idea what it can be like in the midst of a mood swing, where you don’t know if your life is coming to an end or if your swinging on a star high with life talking to god.
When you see an opportunity to speak to someone who wants to become one of our elected officials be it parliament local council or whatever ask them what are you going to do for me and my mental health. You deserve the answer… and don’t let them bullshit ya with platitudes… threaten them that you haven’t taken your anti psychotic and you have the power to smell a lie. Freak the bastards out and see what they do.
When I first started thinking about writing a blog about my journey with Bipolar I wanted a catchy, snappy name. But I didn’t want it to just be a gimicky name I wanted something that meant something in the long term.
Taking a quick step back, I should say that this blog is the second version of It’s Just A Ride that there has been. The first was neon green and had about 6 posts in a year and a half. I took it down because I was having a hard time in putting down in words how it was having bipolar and dealing with the myriad of bull shit that goes with it. But at that time, when I first bought the domain I was heavily into Bill Hicks comedy and his philosophy on life was great… even after all these years his routines and speeches still stand true and I just wish he could have been alive and performed just once after Barrack Obama got into power.. he would have ripped it up big time, his philosophies were coming true, with Universal Healthcare and the other plans BO has for the world. Anyway I digress.
It’s Just A Ride comes from a section at the end of the Video release of Revelations (a channel four airing of his stand up routine at the Dominion Theatre in London). See the video for the full quote and the context of the meaning. It kind of sums up what I feel living with Bipolar is about.
So here you go a video quote of the day. Ladies and Gentlemen… Bill Hicks
As I travel around the madasphere I come across some immensely talented writers who along with dealing With a chronic debilitating illness they manage to write with such elegance and with such prose that it makes me wonder if I really belong to the same sphere. I came to the conclusion on Friday that the main thing needed to blog successfully is courage. You have to have the balls to give 100% of yourself and not worry about the fallout that could come from it.
I came to these conclusions by reading two blogs. Secret Diary of a Manic Depressive and Confessions of a Serial Insomniac. Both authors have over the past 24 hours laid out their souls and left the comments open for all to comment. It’s not for me to go into their stories but I do have the greatest admiration for both Seaneen and Pandora. These blogs deserve to be anyone blog feed reader and kept up to date with purely and simply for the sheer effortless way they make writing seem.
I often wonder why I can’t seem to write on that kind of level. Maybe it’s the fact that it took three years for me to attain a higher grade at English at school. Maybe it’s the drugs dulling my sense of creativity (but surely all MI suffering people would have the same problems). Maybe it’s just that I don’t think I am that good so I become a self fulfilling prophecy of my own craptitude. As I mentioned before I don’t edit very well in what ever I write, be it Blog, Tweet, Poetry or Longer form writing. I always get to the point when I try to edit that I get the feeling that what ever I have written is bad and not worthy of keeping and I end up disheartening myself and scrap the bloody lot.
I have made a concious move on this blog to restrict each post to one subject. It could mean that I have to double up on posts in a day but I need the writing practice. I need to be able to fill out what I write on one subject and not faff about flitting from one subject to another. Now, this may not work and I’ll probably end up forgetting what I just said and go back to have unsorted jumbled up posts within a month. But for now, I want to try it that way.
I hope everyone is enjoying the crappy sunny weather… roll on October I say… mind you if the Icelandic ash has anything to do with it we may have a nuclear winter type situation going on soon.