Limbo

I am having my ass kicked by depression again. I slammed into that brick wall yesterday afternoon and I have felt black and blue ever since. I got about two hours sleep and it was broken sleep at that. My motivation and enthusiasm for anything is gone. I have tried watching two films so far since 4am and I got about twenty minutes into each of them and I lost the plot.

What I don’t get is that I take my pills and injections every day. I take them religiously and hardly ever miss a dose yet still I get these overwhelming dark periods. I honestly thought that taking these pills would help. I guess after 6 years I should know better. I feel like giving up and going non medication and seeing if that works for me. I honestly, at this point in time, don’t see how it could get any worse.

Why does it get harder with time? Why do things never seem to get any better? Just Why?

Until Next Time…

Last week

I spent most of last week hiding out. The depression was kicking my ass big time and it was a sucky way to spend my birthday week, timing was never my strong suit. I had my discussion group on Monday which went well, lots to talk over and really engaging debate. By the end of the meeting I had kind of decided that I wouldn’t be attending this weeks meeting as the topics being discussed would probably trigger my depression even more. The main topic of conversation this week was to be the new Coalition Government and what they would do for us as a community. As I mentioned last week, it was suggested that I was in a Post Election Slump and I think going over all the bollocks that has been spouted the past ten days would just piss me off even more, so I skipped it.

I didn’t leave the house between Monday and Friday, and then it was only because I had a psych appointment. I was a little surprised at how quickly I got this appointment. I usually have to wait 3 to 4 months between appointments, this one was just 7 weeks between them. I think it goes back to the failed Promazine trial. That failed so hard it actually hurt inside. I was put onto Lorazapam again and the rage depleted somewhat and turned into depression. From one extreme to the other. I am getting better at handling depression. I now just take it on the chin and ride the storm. I go quiet and listen to my music and hope that everyone leaves me alone. I am twistedly happy in my little depressed world. I do feel sorry for those around me as they are having to tread on eggshells all the time, but they are getting good at treading on them with cutting their feet.

Anywho my psych appointment. I went in their depressed and came out with a little more hope in the world. During all the change over between Promazine and Lorazapam someone in the chain of prescriptions and faxes had screwed up big time. When I was taken off the Promazine my next repeat came in with no Lorazapam but with another drug that had a similar name Promethazine. While this drug would not have had any adverse reaction to my taking it, it’s a scary fucking thought that some dumb fuck can misread a clearly written fax and prescribe the wrong drugs to a mentally ill person. I am fortunate that I have Linda to take care of my medication. I think if I had been taking sole care of the drugs I don’t think I would have been as observant. We spent nearly two weeks trying to get to the bottom of who had made the foobar and to see if this was actually a sanctioned change from my Psych. I googled the drug as soon as we noticed and it would have done nothing for me and we were at a loss at to why the psych would have prescribed it. We finally got the answer at Fridays appointment and I don’t think teh psych was to pleased with the chain of events. He said he was going to look into the mix up. I don’t know if he will but I had a word with my GP about it on Monday and it wasn’t him that did the changes to the repeat but then again he didn’t say who did make the changes so no Holy Fires Of Retribution for me to deal out.

Back to the Psych on Friday, he was a bit concerned that my depression was lasting longer and longer and the cocktail not working to well. He didn’t want to change any of the mood stabilisers as they “seem to be doing a job” but he did increase my Mirtazapine to 45mg a day to see if that would do anything. Taking a look at how I have been since Friday I think it has had a positive effect on me as I haven’t been as dark and I haven’t been wallowing in Pink Floyd Land for the past few days. I am currently In John 5 Land which is DIRTY NASTY guitar rock and roll.

John 5

I have no idea how long I’ll have to wait for my next appointment but as always he said that if I need to, I can call him any time.

Any that’s it from me I am off to cook up some Pasta and sauce for dinner.

Until Next Time…

St**ie N**ks is driving me nuts

I tell ya every day I look at my daily stats and it’s the same fucking thing bring people to this blog… a picture of Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham. Month after month it’s the same thing. I’d take it down but then the post would look odd. I have had one comment from someone who went looking for SN and found this website and they left a wicked comment and it was really encouraging to read that some one had gotten something from the website apart from seeing a semi naked Stevie Nicks picture. Here is the post that has the picture.

I have been through all the codex trying to work out how to exclude that one image from search results, but nothing is coming back to help me. I shall ask my brother to see what he thinks.

That is all… just wanted a rant.

I’ll post again tomorrow about last weeks Pdoc appointment

Until Next Time…

Triggers

I posted yesterday on Twitter that my mood was basically shot to all hell. I haven’t felt this down in quite some time, so venting out on Twitter was an unusual thing for me. I usually like to keep my emotions to myself and this blog. Twitter is for a bit of fun and supporting the friends I have made on there. I see so much drama on Twitter, I don’t need to add to it.

For me to open up and blurt out that my world was about as low as it could go was a big thing. I didn’t expect replies but I got a couple. The one that spoke to me the most was from @moodmonster who suggested that I could be going through post election slump. After sitting back and thinking about that for the past 24 hours I think she may be right. She said that she had been very down after George W. Bush was elected. To be honest I think EVERYONE was the same, the American presidential race and the President himself is a global office, so much more so than the Prime Minister of the UK. That’s not to say that Prime Ministers are not important but they don’t have the same , you know….. RAW POWER behind them. I am sure that the New York Times and Washington Post didn’t have front page splashes of Gordon Brown leaving Number 10 and have the Lizard Boy David Cameron turn up and take over the mantle. It’s just not the same.

I seem to have a few triggers that are event related:

  • The Death of my Father – I was undiagnosed at the time but looking back I see all of the signs
  • Actually being Diagnosed with Bipolar had a really hard effect on me – I kind of went into meltdown for about a month after I was told. The world was against me
  • 9/11 I was depressed and emotionally wrought for weeks after that event and I only watched it on TV.

I have everyday triggers that seem irrational to me as a person aged 36. If I don’t get my own way I can be a petulant little child. I will and DO sulk in a literal corner for hours. I can be a moody teenager who sits in his literal corner and just blasts music until the world goes away. If I have to deal with bureaucracy of any kind… Bill Collectors, Catalogue Company, Doctors Office, I get very stressy and wish someone else would deal with it and often I will put off something to my own detriment. Hell I lost the best credit card deal ever because I avoided the telephone for three months and now my credit rating is screwed for the next 18 months (It was three years but that was 18 months ago).

I really wish that my triggers ended there.. but they don’t. and they are to ingrained in me to explain properly. I have auditory and visual hallucinations, and when they get to strong and to forthright in my head I get triggered to start doing some weird shit to try and force them back. The latest being I now trry and engage them in meaningful conversation to try and find out what they want and what I could possibly do to make them be quiet or even heaven help me go away permanently. The answer is always the same

“Shut ya face FATBOY… We’re here to stay”

Lovely peoples I hang with eh?

enough of my rambling witterings. The best advice I can cack handedly offer is… DON’T LET THE BASTARDS GET YA DOWN.

Oh Yeah Pdoc appointment tomorrow… will update with what he says then.

Be safe y’all

Until Next Time…

Doctor Who 2010

(NB: This article was originally begun around the third week of April and was put on hold for various reason until now)

I haven’t given my Whovian view of the new series of Doctor Who yet, so I thought I would try and put down in words how I feel about the new era.

To preface what I am about to write in full disclosure I am a die hard Doctor Who fan who has very little bad to say about the show. I don’t critique negatively very often. Something has to really nark me to get me to write something bad… which is probably why my attempts at starting a review website over and again. To further get the facts straight I kinda liked Love and Monsters from series 2 not so much the bits with Peter Kay (the man gets on my nerves sometimes and that was one time he didn’t fit the role). Girl in the Fireplace is my all time favourite episode. I must have seen in 10 times in various places the most exotic being 33,000 feet over the Atlantic ocean flying back from the USA. So, on to my take of of Doctor Who Series 5.

It was with trepidation that I waved goodbye to David Tennant and good old Russell T Davies at the end of the year long set of 5 specials. The End of Time two parter was a great exit and I got a lump in my throat and a tear in my eye when Doc 10 said “…But I don’t want to go”. To see that moment of abject fear and distress manifest into a kinetic ball of lanky knee kissing foppish haired Matt Smith was a bit of a culture shock. We had seen the zany madcap timey wimey David Tennant, but this was taken to a whole new level.

The regeneration was pretty spectacular with everything crumbling and exploding around the Doctor. The TARDIS going down in flames as it were. Things were changing in front of us and it only took one word for the change to be sealed and clarified “GERONIMOOOOO”. Our seatbelt were buckled tight and we were in for one hell of a ride… and then it all ended… 4 months to wait till we would get any kind of pay off for all that angst we had been through for the past two hours and then for our hearts pounding again, the “series” was over and now the real fan boy and fan girl speculation could really begin.

There had been some leaked photos before Christmas but I had tried to avoid them but in the Online Doctor Who community you can go to virtually any website and have whole episodes spoiled for you without even looking. I hate spoilers, they well they spoil things for you and who likes to have things spoiled. So my Winter Doctor Who browsing was limited to places I could pretty much chance it and not get spoiled (AKA not much choice).

Once the show finally began airing again I was well up for it. But as per usual something would get in the way. I think Doctor Who should be a family experience where everyone sits down and pays attention and experiences it all at the same time and then afterwards talk about it. Now this is all well and good when your whole family are at home at 6.15 to watch the show but when mean arsed bosses at the local supermarket where my loving wife works insist on her working till 7pm for 3 of the past 4 weeks it’s pretty difficult to achieve that. So my anticipation was stretched to the finest gnats pubic hair you could possibly imagine. When she did get home at about 8pm we sat down and we took in the first episode the 11th Hour.

Doctor Who and Amelia Pond

As far as introduction stories go it was great. It ticked all the right boxes. It introduced the new Doctor as a nutty professor type chap. His struggles to keep his old jalopy of a TARDIS working just long enough to stop her from blowing up all together and ripping a rift in the time space continuum. It gave us a new companion in Amy Pond who was planning on taking a trip in the TARDIS aged 8 but things don’t quite go to plan. We meet up with an older more mature Amy later on in the episode who has now had 12 years of waiting and visiting Therapists to get her over her Spaceman fixation…(something I don’t think she ever got over). We got a whole new speices of Villain “The Atraxi” who kind of reminded me of malevolent Vogons from Hitch Hikers Guide To The Galaxy, just doing their jobs and on to the next one.

I won’t go into the stories because I don’t want to spoil to much for you if you haven’t already seen the shows in question. But at some point I will come back and give proper reviews for all of the shows in turn… maybe when the DVD box set comes out I’ll pick out odd episodes and give them the once over.

(edit – added on the 12th May)

It’s been a few weeks now and things are starting to look up. The first two parter with River Song back in the mix with the Weeping Angels was a slight turn to form and showed that Moffett still hasn’t lost his touch. The latest episode The Vampires of Venice was a true classic for me. It had everything a classic Doctor who episode should have and it was the first time in the first half of Series 5 that I have not felt that something was lacking. The only thing (and it is a small thing) that bothered me was how confusing Saturdays episode looks. I was confused by the trailer so god knows what will happen throughout the show itself.

Doctor Who is back and it’s good to have him back but we need just a little more consistency from the writing and we’ll be just tickety boo.

Until Next Time…