Here I am! You can stop looking for me now.
You see it all began the day before the England Vs. Germany World Cup second round match. I was sat at my computer (all was normal) and then from out of no where the screaming began. It was like a dog howling against a babies whiny wail. And fuck me it was loud. At first I thought it was outside and a physical noise. Maybe next door had gotten his knob stuck in the door jam. I put up with it for about an hour and then had to break down and ask if anyone else heard the noise and no one did I knew I was up shit creak with out a paddle. I put my headphones in and they have pretty much been there ever since. That’s going on 12 days now. I have had intermittent breaks from the noise but they are VERY few and far between. In the quieter moments I have been able to get stuff done but it’s not been quiet enough for long enough to write anything.
I haven’t been to bed before 2am in the past 2 weeks and it’s starting to get me down. I have to wait until I am physically exhausted to get my ass to bed. Tonight it doesn’t look like sleep is coming any time soon. So I sit and listen to Lynryd Skynyrd and write away hoping that something makes sense when I read it back… if it doesn’t you know I failed.
I have started going back to my relaxation group as of Wednesday. After speaking to the duty Social Worker of Thursday and quite frankly not getting very far (an increase in my Lorazapam for two weeks… i had been doing that for the past month anyway). She suggested I get into with the local support group that helped me with the anxiety issues and that hold the relaxation groups and discussion groups I used to go to before my latest meltdown pulled me back into my shell. I had just gotten a letter that morning from them informing me off a discussion group coming up in the next couple of weeks. I REALLY didn’t want to go to that as I am sure that one day I am going to get up in some ones face and lose any entitlement I have to go there. They have been really great with me and the one lady who I deal with on a regular basis has been amazing and has gotten me to do things that no one else has been able to. Anyway I phoned her up and left a message on the machine asking her to get in touch with me. and an hour later she called and it was like I hadn’t really dropped of the face of the planet as far as the Groups were concerned and I was invited back to the relaxation group the following Wednesday (i.e. this week) and that was that. She asked if I would like to come into have a chat and a coffee and at that time I was so sick of myself I didn’t want to inflict myself on any one else.
Another thing that the Duty Social worker suggested was going back to the relaxation lessons I had learnt and try and put them into practice. Now every single night I am in bed and I can’t sleep I sub consciously go through the Auto Genic relaxation method, which takes each part of your body and relaxes it and unwinds you. By the time I get to my shoulders I am usually asleep and off for a good couple of hours. Anyway we had been given the CD’s to use at home that we use in the relaxation group. I had converted mine and put it on my iPod to use in case of emergency. This was such and occasion and I have to say that sitting up in my room with just and my iPod i felt totally relaxed and screaming free for a couple of hours afterwards.
Anyway I have spent nearly two hours writing this crap I am going to go and try and get some sleep before my eye test at 10.30am.
Until Next Time…