Post 99

This the magic 99th post on this blog. I have wittered on left, right and centre about my mental health and the state of the world (both equally fucked up I might add.) I don’t have anything earth shatteringly important to write. I am just waiting for the newly introduced and recently increased dose of Quetiapine to kick in some so I can sleep and not have to take a Zopiclone at the same time because god knows I am zombie like enough during the day without adding any more shit to the mix.

So, yeah. I saw my nice Pdoc last Wednesday, It was a major effort to get out of the house but I did it because I don’t want to be stuck here forever. I explained to him that the screaming voices had pretty much calmed down for the most part but I do still get the odd episode which is most disconcerting. I then went on to tell him about the world and it’s mother being out to get me. I told him how I had retreated from the on-line world I used to love so much. I now just feel like it’s another way for the MAN to spy on me. I have put out innocuous teasers like the odd video from You Tube on Facebook and I tweeted my entry in @kazcita very special #cockoff contest that runs for the duration of The X Factor. Basically she chooses two different celebs on a Saturday Lunchtime and then you tweet back your vote for the biggest Cock of the pair and the one with the most votes goes through to the next round.

I am sat here just going back through this post correcting the twenty or so supposed spelling mistakes with the Firefox dictionary tool and it really did occur to me that I am stupid in thinking that anything I do will stop people from finding me out. I doomed anyway I turn. This blog is hardly anonymous and is ranked up there when you Google my name you can find me any number of ways. I still post here just so anyone who is interested knows I am still alive and am not curled up in the foetal position under the table in the kitchen hiding from the little green men that are coming to get me.

I should be proud of myself I ran from my front door to the end of the street to the post box today unaccompanied. I was positive that all the cars parked were full of people watching me and when one guy pulled into the street and parked right in front of the postbox as I was posting my letters was a Government inspector come to catch me out for something. “Big Brother IS Watching”

On that rather sinister note I leave you as it’s now 3am and I really must try and get some sleep so I can feel crappy tomorrow… I really am enjoying life at the moment…. honestly

Until Next Time…

Hiding Away.

It has to be said that I am not a great out-doorsey kind of person. Given the choice of a nice ramble in the great wilds of Northamptonshire and sitting in a darkened room playing with the internet, I think you know where you’ll find me. I went on a school camp once and got blisters on the first two mile hike we took and spent the next three days looking after base camp and helping with the cooking for the rest of the class, I loved it.

Fast forward twenty years, to the past few weeks and I find myself STUCK inside. This is no common or garden not wanting to go out, this is a fear inducing paranoia slamming hatred of going out. I have been out maybe three times in the past 3-4 weeks. Twice to a relaxation group and once to a shop for milk… and I may be misremembering the milk trip.

I know what I am thinking sounds incredibly stupid and I have been told that what my delusions and paranoia stem from is totally unreasonable but still it’s there and as soon as the door opens I know with all my heart and all my twisted mind that I am being watched and spied on. When I wake up in the morning, someone has usually opened the blinds in the front room. Usually it’s mum waiting for her taxi to work or it’s us waiting for some shopping to be delivered. My computer sits right in place that it puts me in front of that exposed window. PEOPLE CAN NOW SEE ME! Well not if I re-close the blinds they can’t… and that’s what I do, before I even cross in front of them I close them again. It must infuriate Mum and my wife. I live like a vampire by choice the get it by default through living with me.

I have tried to explain to them what happens when I go out and how I feel and while they make the right noise and sympathise I am not sure I have done enough to make them understand what really goes on. I mentioned earlier that I had been out two or maybe three times in the past few weeks. The first time I went out was to a non existent Relaxation group. It had been cancelled but no one had thought to ring the attendees and tell them it had been cancelled. This left me outside and to my mind exposed to anyone who passed by. I was taken aback by the group being cancelled mostly and then the realisation that I was stood in the street like a shop window dummy finally hit and I became very self concious that anyone who wanted to follow me and keep track of me could now do this as I was stranded.

Let me take a moment to explain what’s actually going on in my head…

When I am out I think I know people are following me and watching me for various purposes. They are watching me to catch me out. Trying to catch me from claiming benefits, from having a diagnosis, from generally being me while outside the house. There has been a hell of a lot in the press in the UK about the Government wanting to cut the social fund bill. Cuts everywhere… the schools are being threatened the hospitals and healthcare are being threatened and as of late the Benefits system and it’s users are being targeted. Basically the government are wanting to get the money spent on Benefits down and they are going about it in many ingenious ways. The latest is getting your neighbours to spy on neighbours and report anyone who looks like a benefits cheat. Being paranoid like I am I am sure that half of my neighbours are just waiting for that cash incentive to grass me up. I have no inside knowledge that the government are going to offer “Incentives” to get people to report on people, but it’s only a matter of time.

The “sick” thing about all of this paranoia is that I know it’s totally irrational, and I know people have better things to do that watch me stand on a street corner waiting for a cab. I know that closing my blinds all day is more likely to attract more attention than not. It’s just that I can’t shake this over reaching gut feeling that something bad is about to happen to me and I don’t really want to be around when it does. I am being robbed of my life by my brain and it’s chemical imbalances. The support worker at the place where I go for my relaxation group asked if I needed an appointment to talk through anything…. I said no because it was just one more excuse NOT to go out and expose myself to the world.

I know this behaviour is totally irrational… and that’s the crazy thing… I don’t know how to change my way of thinking. When I had my first lot of anxiety sessions I had it all worked out and I did really well for a few months hell close to a year I was doing really well but now it’s all gone to shit and I am lost and stuck again.

One thing is really bugging me though…. I have no way of “safely” getting my next issue of Doctor Who Magazine from town next Thursday as Linda goes back to work next Wednesday. See…. Sad or what?

Until Next Time…

The Big ‘Orra

It had to hit eventually, the thing I probably hate most about being a blogger. I ran out of shit to talk about and I got myself all worked up and when I thought I had something to write I couldn’t get the words out. Writers Block I suppose you’d call it. I am sat here now at nearly 2am on Monday morning just sitting here and blurbing out whatever comes to mind… Nothing new there then.

I have been mostly depressed for the past few weeks. I have been sleeping a lot, staying up late talking to friends on Instant Messenger services, drinking more coffee than is probably good for me and generally NOT taking care of myself. I have mentally let myself go, and the results aint pretty. The rabid voices I was hearing daily have no regressed back to every other day. I have given up on contacting my CMHT because they basically said last time there was very little they could do for me and just to take two weeks worth of Lorazapam. It didn’t help much seeing as I was taking extra Lorazapam for about a month before hand. I see my Pdoc again on the 18th (I think) and I will bring it up then and see what he says. I feel something has to be done or else what’s the point in taking drugs that aren’t doing the full job. Now, don’t get me wrong… I take the pills because for the most part they work, they just aren’t doing the full job… a change needs to be made. I would hate to think how bad I would be without the drugs. I know my family would end up abandoning me.

I haven’t been to my relaxation group for a couple of weeks… one week because I hadn’t slept for 36 hours and was afraid I wouldn’t make it through the hour long session without going comatose and last week it was cancelled due to a birthday. I missed it and have been listening to the music the facilitator uses during each meeting.

Here is a little acting lesson for you. Way back at the beginning of the 20th century there was this Russian dude called Stanislavsky who thought that the then modern staged theatre very stayed and blocky so he developed a set of excersizes that would aid an actor reach a more truthful portrayal of a character. Most people now now this as THE METHOD, as in Method Acting like Robert De Niro and Al Pacino. One of the most famous excersizes that came from the Method is called Emotional Memory. EM is where you take a thought which gave you a certain feeling and recall that moment and thus that feeling when portraying it in character. I hated doing this when I was an actor because it invariably wipes you out emotionally for ages after and I found it hard to break character anyway so having all this added emotional bullshit going on was a pain in the arse.

This explanation is just to tell you that the music that is played during the relaxation group meeting has become so associated with relaxing for me that usually all it takes is 5 or 10 minute listening to that and the edge has been taken off what ever stress is bugging me, that in and of itself has made sitting through the hour long navel gazing groups worthwhile. I say navel gazing, I don’t mean that as a bad thing. I really enjoy the groups but it does feel a little self indulgent that I get to take that time out each week and be selfish and just relax.

On that last note of old twaddle I will leave you with these two rather funny videos starring Punt and Dennis.

World Of Wine Part 1

World Of Wine Part 2

Until Next Time…