The Mind Revolts

After my whining about feeling empty and nothing, it turns out that my brain took this as a cue to royally screw me over. I woke up at 7.30 this morning to my mobile ringing. The first reaction was to hurl abuse down the phone but then I looked at who was calling at thought

“Maybe it’s important”

All I heard was my niece and nephew playing with Daddy’s phone. Oh joy I was awake.

My head wasn’t playing straight games when I went to bed last night. I was up the latest I had been up for quite a while last night. I didn’t go to bed till 1.30 and I could have stayed up the whole night the way I was feeling. I guess I hate sleep until I am asleep and then it’s the best thing since sliced bananas on my Oats So Simple. My brain had switched into depressive mode and I was fighting the urge to relax and thought myself unworthy of getting rest. It’s something I often used to fight with. Since my sleep counselling I have been getting better but I find I am slipping back to my old ways.

I had no reason to be down. I had had a fairly relaxing evening. Mum and I watched Highlander and laughed at the obvious flying wires that were shown in the final scenes after the big battle. We love seeing little things like that it brightens up an evening seeing shit that the producers missed or were to cheap to fix. Ahh it’s all good fun.

I really don’t know where my head is going to take me over the next few days, probably some where really dark. The voices are at it again and don’t seem to happy at the moment. They seem to think that I need to get off my arse and do something more constructive…. when internal monologue ensues it usually ends up with me asking

“…Like What”

“Jump off a fucking bridge, we don’t care.. you’re fucking useless as you are at the moment.”

So you see, it’s all getting a bit crowded for me at the moment and whilst I am not actively suicidal I am getting the thoughts.

I am still waiting to be referred to the local CMHT. I would have thought I would have had a letter or something by now. It’s going to be Easter at this rate before my notes and paperwork gets moved down here. I really don’t want to see my GP about mental stuff as I fear he may try and mess with the medication, something I am not convinced a regular GP is able to do without any form of fucking things right up.I just want someone to talk to who knows what is going on and can make changes as needed. Nothing has really changed in my medication as of yet. We haven’t transferred over to the modified release Seroquel yet as we are trying to use up what we have left over from the last prescriptions we were given in Corby.

I am back from cooking and eating dinner. Come back to turn Planet Rock on and what starts playing after 5 minutes…. Hurt by Johnny Cash… now I feel fucking wonderful nothing like a pick me up. I should have turned it off because that track always puts me deeper in my head quicker than a bottle of Jack on an empty stomach. It’s over now, the song is passed and has been replaced by numerous other songs that fleet past my head and take my mind of it’s lonely misery for a while.

I hope that this mood doesn’t last too long as I really can’t be bothered with dealing with it all. It’s as anyone who has depression knows, a pain in the arse. I know that may seem like a pretty redundant thing to say but i can’t find any other way of putting it. A long protracted battle with my mind is not something this family could deal with right now. Linda is ill with what we think is a rogue strain of Flu that the flu shot we all got last October has missed and by the looks of things mum is coming down with it too. With Mums COPD she doesn’t need anything that could possibly settle on her chest and make things worse. It would just be my luck to come down with something too. I am quite possibly the worlds worst cold and flu sufferer. I try and struggle through things and then get all moany when I can’t do things. It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt.

That’s it from me for now. Keep all the depressed people in your thoughts tonight people they are struggling and quite possibly have no where to turn and that’s just a cold lonely hole to be in.

Until Next Time…


Hi there, it’s me again. Yep just me, hanging around doing very little.

My life at the moment is just plodding along. nothing really seems to be happening. I guess I am just searching for a reason to get out of bed in the morning. Normally I can usually find something to get excited about but for some reason the past couple of weeks have just been…..meh!!!

My moods have not varied much. Family say I am looking like I am doing well, yet I just feel empty inside. Not sad empty just a big space waiting to be filled by something a little more exciting than listening to a radio station playing endless loops of Just A Minute. Not that there is anything wrong with listening to endless loops of J.A.M it’s just I am starting to buzz in to inform Nicholas Parsons that Clement Freud hesitated and can I have a bonus point for the perfectly executed interruption to the flow of Paul Merton’s witty  repartee. Not good when you accidentally blurt out your objection out loud  when there are other people in earshot. It gets you funny looks… you know.

The highlight (or lowlight depending on your view point) today was the fact that I got my Credit Card statement and it appears that I have maxed out the credit card AGAIN. This went down well with Linda who just looked at me and walked out of the room. It’s going to take years to pay it off and who knows how long till we can start to pay off a little extra each month to help bring the balance down a little quicker. I seem to be heading back to shitsville population… Me. Again.

That was just a mindless piece of rock n roll to take your mind of the boredom this post has provoked.

I think I am going to sign off as I know I am getting no where with this and rather than blather on for another 300 words about the amazing amount of fluff that came out of my belly button in the shower yesterday I am just going to leave you with some shred of sanity.

Until Next Time…

One Month Before Heartbreak – My Take.

One Month Before Heartbreak

One Month To Heartbreak Logo

As I have said before, my skills at discussing politics and coming out of said discussion not looking like a complete idiot are slim to none. But this weekend there is something happening that should be widespread and should be taken notice of.

The whole One Month Before Heartbreak is a chance for the blogging community to make a statement about DLA (Disability Living Allowance) and the proposed governmental cut that are being discussed in the consultation that is due to end on February 14th (A joke surely on the part of some Government planner… why should disabled people have a good day when they know that the rug could be pulled out from under their feet at any time.. but hey…)

The OMBH weekend has been originated and is being organised by The Broken Of Britain website, You can find the post that explains what is happening by clicking this >>>LINK<<<. A master list of stories and blog posts contributed to the Blog-Swarm can be found >>>HERE<<<.

I have told my story of my dealings with benefits before you can read that post here.

Nothing much has changed since I posted that, with the exception of being 6 months closer to and ESA application. Something I dread with every passing day. I am still in receipt of DLA only the lower rate mobility component. I get under £100 a month but without that £100 I would be more housebound than I am now. If you don’t have the time to go over the second largest post on this blog the cheat sheet goes like this…

  • I have Bipolar Affective Disorder Type 2
  • I suffer from Anxiety when outside of the  house
  • I can be pretty dangerous (To myself) if I try and negotiate major roads by myself. I have very little regard for my own safety.
  • I need medication to leave the house. I usually take two extra Lorazapam before I leave the house, this is just to make encountering crowds mildly bearable

It’s much more complicated than I have abridged it too but for brevity I have just narrowed it down to those 4 points. When I filled out the DLA forms it was a nightmare and seriously depressed me at just how much detail they wanted from me. It shouldn’t have surprised me as I had filled out the forms before but they seemed to get more difficult with every reapplication.

If you have a disability and read this then I hope you are in a good place and have the support you need to help you get what you deserve.

If you are fully able bodied (Mentally and Physically) then I prey that you never have to go through the degradation of having your life scrutinised just to get a little help making your life easier. I say this because When I came back from America in 2000 I never imagined that I would be put in the position of having to claim Incapacity Benefit and DLA just to pay my bills. It came from No where and if it wasn’t for some great people along the way I would probably be on the streets now or quite possibly dead.

These Benefits that the current Government are proposing to cut are a life line to many. In these times of job cuts and bad economy now is not the time to be cutting people incomes just because it seems to be a quick fix to save a little money.

As I have said before I don’t do politics normally and normal service will be resumed shortly, but I hope you take a moment to read just one other story bought about by the One Month To Heartbreak campaign this weekend, just maybe it could change your mind on a few things.

Until Next Time…

Breaking In A New Doctor

Yesterday we went and met our new GP for the first time. All three of us went en mass to see him, we booked three 10 minute slots with him and needless to say we were there over an hour. I bet he didn’t get home for his tea on time as by the time we had finished with him at 5.30pm his waiting room was filling up nicely.

Now let’s get things straight from the start. He seems like a nice bloke. He is Dutch and is easily understandable. I think once he gets used to the way we work with our primary carers he won’t be so quick to jump on small matters at a rate of knots.

Mum saw him first and she was in there a good 20 minutes (remember the ten minute slots) and once she came out she was suitably impressed as he had given her a few things to think about and had changed up her meds a little to make things a bit easier on her. This should have set my mind racing straight away but I was sure that A GP wouldn’t mess around with another Doctors prescriptions bar making a few changes to the type of pill being taken (Slow Release Metformin for Diabetes as an example.)

Another chap was a few minutes late for his appointment but they put him in after Mum had come out.. so I had a few more minutes to wait, but being the dumb arse that I am I wasn’t putting two and two together and getting worried that I may need a back up plan for my appointment. The chap that went in before me must have been a real simple case as he was in and out in 5 or 6 minutes. No waiting around… his style is one out one in. Not like my old Doctor who would let one person go and then wait ten minutes for the next patient to be called in.

I was next to be called in, and seeing as I can never be trusted to see a doctor on my own when I forget so much Linda came in with me. He offered his hand and I shook it (good start methinks.) I sit down and we get the small talk out of the way and I hand him my repeat prescription to show him the cocktail I was on. This, folks, is where the alarm bells began ring loud and fucking proud. He picked up on my taking Risperidone and Lorazapam at the same time. For those who don’t remember (and why should you) the Risperidone is for the Psychosis, the voices and hallucinations and the Lorazapam is for the anxiety I get just getting out of bed in the morning. Lorazapam is one of the drugs I was weaned off of early last year but had a hard time staying off of them and was put back on them pretty soon after I started losing my shit on a regular basis during the summer of last year.

He looked at the repeat for a moment or two and then totally off the wall started to suggest that he take me off Risperidone. Just like that. I was dumbfounded. I had not been in his office for more than 5 minutes and this dude had decided that one of the most stabilising drugs I take was surplus to requirements. I flubbed, hummed and arhhhed for a second or two and said “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” For the life of me I couldn’t get the words out to explain why it wasn’t a good idea, just that “it wasn’t a good idea”

In the 7 years after being diagnosed with Bipolar my GP has NEVER suggested anything like that. MY old GP would only make changes when someone had fucked up somewhere along the line and it needed fixing so I didn’t start a meltdown. If he had pushed the situation I would have walked out there and then and looked for another GP. I made it quite clear that I wanted to be referred to the CHMT in the area and he stated that he had already set things in motion for that. MY heckles went down a couple of notches and we moved on to my Diabetes treatment.

The rest of the appointment was a bit of a blur, I do remember that I mention my last retinal screening threw up some irregularities on the back of my eyes, and he has referred me to the local retinal screening team to get my eyes retested and get new pictures done. I think more than anything else… (BP aside) my eyes are my main worry. If I lose my eyes I am screwed. I would make a terrible blind person. I can’t touch type with out looking at the keyboard… which kinda defeats the object of touch typing I know but hey it works for me. After he had finished with me I just wanted out of his office. I left Linda in there to deal with him for herself.

Before I left his office he suggest a couple of changes to my medication… both changing types of release drugs for my diabetes and Seroquel. Both are now on a slow release prescription and I have no problems with those changes as I know the drugs are going to do the same job just over a sustained period of time and for a change I may not get the hit of being wiped out by a 200mg hit of Seroquel in the evening and I may not feel so tired in the morning.

I’ll give him his due, he seems to know about his medication. Talking to my Brother and Sister In Law this afternoon, it turns out that this fella is anti medication. Well he is shit out of luck with us three and we are on enough pills to start our own Pharmacy. I know any small changes made to my regimen can send me off the deep end and I think that’s what worried me the most about this guy just changing my script without any of the facts. I am not currently under the CMHT and would have no where to turn if things went tits up in the interim. I am not willing to put myself or my family in that kind of position. I guess I should have been more on the ball in the appointment but you drugs and all that dull the brains kids… This is your brain…. This is your brain on drugs SMOOSH.

On the whole I have been holding my shit together mostly, I do feel a little abandoned as I have no where to turn, this has caused my mood to dip noticeably over the past week or so. I am putting it down to the fact everything is up in the air and the new year blues. It’s nothing that others aren’t feeling this time of year. I was hoping that my head would allow me to get out and do more things independently once the big move had been made, but so far I am still hiding away and still have trouble with Supermarkets. I avoid going into them if at all possible and would rather stay home and wait for a phone call saying Mum and Linda need help with the bags from the Taxi. I know I need to make changes but it all seems so hard at the moment. I just can’t do the normal things yet and that is really bugging me. I need to start to find excuses to go out and follow through on them. Going to the Library seems like a good place to start. Will look into this next week. One of my non resolutions is to read more this year. I need to expand my mind more than just surfing the internet and playing on Facebook and Twitter (NOT that I plan on giving them up for one second… but there has to be more to it than just that.)

Oh well this is almost 1500 words.. and I have waffled on long enough, so if you’re not sick of hearing it yet, Happy New Year and I hope it’s all good for you or at least less bolloxy than last year.

Squeak at ya’ll later.

Until Next Time…