I Can See

I had a crappy nights sleep last night. It wasn’t due to being excited, but it could have had something to do with sleeping for over 8 hours during the day yesterday. I was up at 6am this morning and relatively pain free so I crashed out on the couch rather than sit around staring at the computer again. When I say pain free, I mean that for the past couple of weeks when I wake up in the morning I have an awful pain in my lower back and moving cuts off my ability to breathe. I have put this down to a possible weight gain or that it’s time to quit smoking and get rid of the junk in my lungs. I think 20 years smoking is more than enough. I am bored by it all anyway… so to that end when I have run out of tobacco I will try and quit…. cold turkey.

This may change depending on what happens when I run out.

So, yeah… I got my new glasses today. I went into town with Linda as she had a group meeting at the job centre this morning. I didn’t quite realise that I would be left to my own devices for quite so long. My anxiety levels went through the roof after I left the opticians. I was suddenly very exposed and I felt everyone was watching me. The CBT side of my head said

“don’t be silly”

The voices in my head were saying..

“There gonna catch you, You’re gonna get busted HIDE FATBOY HIDE

Needless to say the voices won over any CBT solutions I had ever learned. I kind of wish that the react-a-lite lenses in my glasses were more sensitive so they could have hidden my eyes and I could have hidden away behind the darkened lenses. Not that it would have helped much. My glasses are only so big.

I wrote in my last post that I would post a picture of them. I tried quite a few times to get a good picture of me wearing the but they all look like a fat headed idiot wearing some rather fetching glasses. So I scrapped all of them and plonked them onto my printer and took this picture:

My New Goggles

Apparently the technical term for these glasses are skull grippers… at least that’s what the nice lady in Specsavers called them. So I have skull Gripper glasses, just as long as they don’t grip as tight as the last pair that left my head with tram lines that a large gauge train could have run down. Here is a slice of me wearing them, I had to cut the rest of my face out… this is a respectable website… I save the horror for Stumpfinger.

Me with the Glasses On

My mood hasn’t improved greatly. I think I tried to escape it all yesterday by sleeping and I admit that I did go back to bed for a while when I got home from town. Not that it helped much as I still feel stressed and on edge.  I am doing my level best at trying to pull myself out of this funk. but it’s a sticky bugger and it seems to want to stick around. It seems that there is a lot of depression around the Mentally Interesting Blogosphere. Mine is by no means as bad as some that I have read and my heart goes out to anyone that is struggling with getting through each day. I just hope that once Spring starts to show it’s little head through the grey murky clouds, things will start to improve for people, It’s been no real Winter here. We had the snow before Christmas that virtually ground the country to a halt and ever since we have had a few cold days and a shit load of rain. It seems to have rained virtually every day around here for the past two weeks, and not the heavy pounding rain it’s that pissy little dribbles of rain that soak you to the skin and leave you chilled. At least with the heavy rain you get wet and that’s that, this stuff is like acid and burns through every layer of clothing you are wearing.

Oh well I seem to have sunk as low as an English Man can writing on a blog… I started talking about the weather… and moaning about it at that. I think it’s time for me to go and fix Dinner… Spag Bol tonight.

Until Next Time…

Lazy Sunday Afternoon

Well it’s not really lazy.. but it is Sunday and It is the afternoon. I guess in a vague sort of way it could be classed as lazy as I don’t have anything to do and am just sat here staring blankly at the screen. I do have stuff I could do. I have work on my Stumpfinger rebuild I could be doing but I have no motivation to do it.

The end of this week has been stressful, and kind of hard to handle. I missed two lots of morning medication this week and that has sent me on a bit of a downward spiral. Everything has made me testy and an argument with my brother didn’t help matters. I have been sat in my little corner of the dining room all alone for the majority of the weekend. It’s not healthy I know but the isolation is the only thing that stops me from getting so riled up I take it out on everyone else.

I really am starting to hate my life. I am sick and tired of feeling beaten up all the time. The point of life is becoming more and more tenuous. I am no big shot, my childhood dreams have come and gone in a haze of pharmaceutical pill popping. I am no longer able to function for a full day without needing a nap to get me through until bed time. How is that a life. How is that nothing but a bare bones existence.  This move was supposed to be a big change for everyone. So far it’s been a fucking nightmare to live through. I am still paranoid about leaving the house… alone or with people. I am running out of excuses to carry on. Nothing seems to be falling right. It’s all so fucking hard. I really wish there was an easy out, but unfortunately it all includes pain for one person or another. So I am stuck with choosing life… for now.

To make matters worse I still haven’t heard anything from the CMHT yet. Linda pho9ned the Doctor’s surgery last week and was told that the referral letter was only sent out on the 28th of January. So they must be really busy as It’s now the 20th of February and I still haven’t heard a peep from them. If I hear nothing from them in the next few days I will ring the number that is on the Doctors handy leaflet that we were given when we registered with the surgery. To be honest this isn’t filling me with much hope that these people are going top be as helpful as the Corby CMHT were. I guess we will just have to wait and see. If my mood doesn’t pick up i’ll need the crisis team before I see anyone. Such a fucking mess.

In Other distracting news:

I finally got a phone point put into the dining room so I can have the internet router in here and I don’t have to rely on the wireless card that was causing no end of static problems when I played music on the computer. Considering that I spend most of my time here at the computer having decent sounding music and radio is of most importance and the past few weeks with all the static has been most difficult. If anyone else needs a phone point installing I suggest you avoid asking B.T. to do it. Before we moved in the quoted £128 after Christmas and now we have been moved in they quoted £200. I did a quick search on yell.com and that gave me a wealth of choices in the local area. So I phoned a few and the best deal I got was with a local company who did it for £78 inc VAT. Granted they had to postpone by a day but they were good to their word as to when the rescheduled guy would be here, almost to the minute. Drills blaring at 8am aint a barrel of fun, I am sure my neighbours hate me for that. But hey I now have a phone line next to the computer and my speeds have never been faster, here or back in Corby.

I went for an eye test on Wednesday. I thought I only needed new glasses as the ones I had bought late last year were digging into the side of my head and making it very uncomfortable to wear them. We couldn’t find my glasses prescription so I went ahead and had another eye test and my eyes had only changed slightly since I last had them done so I get a new prescription and two new pairs of glasses. Hopefully these will be more comfortable. The main pair I ordered are lightweight and are plenty wide enough so as not to dig in and the second spare pair are the same size and should be OK if anything should go wrong with my main pair. I am not a fashion victim and don’t go for the designer ranges as… well basically… they are either too small (same with clothes) or too expensive (again the same with clothes.) I get the new one next Wednesday. Will maybe if you’re really unlucky I’ll post pics of them when I get them.

That’s it from me for this time.

Until Next Time…

Slow Release

It’s been a week now that I have been on the Modified release dosage of Seroquel and I have to say… it’s royally kicking my arse. I started of taking it at 10pm with the rest of my pills only to have me wake up at anywhere between 2.30am and 4am and not being able to get back to sleep. I changed the time I took it Thursday and tried taking it a couple of hours before the rest of my pills at between 8 & 9pm. IT made no difference to waking up during the night… but it has helped a little with the having to take 3 or 4 naps during the day. I am now down to one nap around 10am.

It’s a pain as I wanted to try and get my sleep organised so that I could start getting my sleep patterns in some kind of healthy regime and then this tomfuckery happens. I give it another two weeks to settle down and then I go back to the Doc and get him to change it back, I can’t be doing with all this lethargy. It’s bad enough that the rest of the drugs make me creatively barren I don’t need to look like a fuckin zombie as well.

This morning I started the rebuild on Stumpfinger. I kind of lost motivation on the whole Horror specific website. I was getting burnt out on watching horror after horror and not having the time to watch the other stuff I enjoy. So I have decided to make the website a Cult, Sci Fi, Fantasy and Horror based review place. Just broadening the scope a little to give me a little more room to wiggle. Having said that you wait the next three reviews will all be horror. Would be just my style to spend hours rebuilding the site and then just revert back to what I wanted to leave behind.

That’s it, my tired mind doesn’t want to to concentrate anymore.

Until Next Time…

The Clouds

The clouds are moving fast outside. They seem to be racing faster than my mind is right now, which means they are going at a rate of knots. I have been up since 2am it’s now 7.30am.

I woke up from the same nightmare I have been having for the past two weeks. I can’t shake the mental images and I have no way of stopping them. The dreams are all encompassing. They dominate my night time and in my waking hours they are fleeting through my mind all the time.

I have another post that is too hard to write that I have had started for almost a week. I started it and got 750 words into it and had to stop. IT is going to sit in my drafts folder until I face up to what it’s about and finish it. Not posting it makes everything I have just written almost to cryptic to be true. I wish that I had the balls to finish writing it and get it over and done with instead of it just sitting there staring at me every time I come onto the blog to check for spam comments (I do this 4 or 5 times a day.)

I still don’t have any contact with the local CMHT. It’s now getting on towards two months since I asked the GP for a referral. I need some kind of support right now. I need to work these dreams out with a professional. I need to unload my head onto someone who isn’t going to feel bad or judge me for what I say. It’s hard. I have never known a time when I didn’t have a handy phone number to call when I needed it. I think if I haven’t heard by tomorrows mail run I will ring the GP and see if he can chase it up and hurry them up a bit.

I am almost to tired to finish writing this so rather than have it end up just another draft waiting to be completed, I am just going to sign off and say,

Until Next Time…