I have been sat at my computer for what seems like months (in fact it’s been five weeks or so.) I have sat here with my blog open and willing myself to write, hoping that something would come to me that would make sense outside of the crazy ramblings going on inside my head. It never came. As the days went on I started to feel obligated to write, to have some kind of thing out in the ether. I followed Facebook and Twitter looking for something I could knowledgeably latch on to and maybe have something to say on a news story of the day. Philip Davies – member of parliament for Shipley… well he is just a dick, I could think of anything more to say about him and…well that just didn’t seem like a substantial blog post to write.
I have two other websites that I have mentioned before, they have been totally neglected as well. My creative processes have been sucked dry by a a funk that has lasted longer than any other I have known..well at least since I was first diagnosed all those years back. I started a Doctor Who website that I had really big plans for and I got three or four articles in and BAM it’s gone, my whole gumption for writing about my favourite TV show was gone. I thought about expanding the sites remit and still nothing. I hope that once i get my current problems sorted out I can go back and have a good crack at getting the site up and running. The other site, my personal site for stuff non mental is sitting lonely as a cloud having not being blogged on since February. OK so that isn’t solely down to the mood I am in at the moment but rather not having a clue what to write about in a non mental way. I think that is part of my problem. I am so wrapped up in my mental health and that of others, I seem to lose the pictures that are going on outside of the Madosphere. Not that I could ever leave it but I do think I need to take some time to smell the coffee and find some other interests to engage in
I started seeing the CMHT Consultant psychiatrist ( I think I mentioned that before, all about my diagnosis evolving and all that bollocks.) I have since been assigned a Care Co-Ordinator who is quite nice we spent almost 90 minutes going over stuff and working out where we were heading. He has a good sense of humour which will help as I seem to have a gallows humour at the moment and am finding the strangest things humorous.
Between my last meeting with the psych and my meeting with the care co-ordinator I pretty much hit what I thought was rock bottom mood wise. I was having some serious visual hallucinations that were coming at me from all angles. I could see ugly snarling faces through windows appearing through walls and garden fences. After two weeks of this I gave in and called to speak to someone at the CMHT… I needed help… I didn’t care who I spoke to , I just needed some help. Well I called on the Tuesday and explained to the receptionist what was wrong and she was very nice and had a sympathetic tone about her (not something my old CMHT could always be accused of) she took my details and said that she would get someone to call me back that afternoon. I sat and I waited for the phone to ring and when it did I was about to crawl up the wall. I spoke to someone who was on “a team” (I don’t recall which one but she seemed to have looked at my case folder.) She informed me that the consultant was in on Tuesdays but she would take the info that I had given her about what I was going through and present it to the Psych at Wednesdays case meetings and that the consultant would call me some time Wednesday afternoon with some advice. Not much I could do about that situation. I just took myself back to bed for the rest of the afternoon and slept through the weirdness.
When the consultant called Wednesday afternoon I was hopeful that something would happen, maybe an increase in the Seroquel, or maybe re-adding the other Anti-Psychotic they had removed from my cocktail until something could be stabilised. In short she refused to add or increase any medication because they are trying to sort out and reduce the amount of medication I am on so it was be counter-productive to alter that. Then from out of nowhere the lighting bolt of the century came. Her solution to my 24 hour a day nightmare…. A LAVA LAMP. I’ll say that again in case you didn’t quite get it the first time. She told me to buy a fucking Lava Lamp for the bedroom as a way of taking my mind of off the hallucinations. I was gob smacked. She reiterated that an increase or reintroduction of medications would be a bad idea at this time and she asked if I had ever had a CT scan done. Apparently if you’re having Visual hallucinations there isn’t a great deal anti psychotic medications can do and they would have to look at a more neurological explanation. Well fuck me with a rubber dolly for 6 years I have been having hallucinations of one kind or another and the pills they fed me weren’t doing any good. You know… for the most part you could have fooled me, they seemed to do a pretty good job of getting me through the rough times before.
Anyway, Mum and Linda went out and bought a Lava Lamp and we installed it on a bedside table and waited for night time to come so I could test the theory out. It was suggested that I relax and focus on the wax moving around the lamp. It was pretty but my lamp forces me to look towards the bedroom window so all those faces that were staring at me now had shadows making them look slightly more creepy.. and when you wake up at 4.30 in the morning and your faced with that needless to say you’re up for the rest of the night.
Now the only benefit of having the lamp is that I have a dependence on having a night light on like a 5 year old who is afraid of the dark…go on I’ll let you laugh at that one.
Anyway, it’s taken nearly 4 hours to write this much and most of it is a load of dingos kidneys so I’ll sign off and try and think of some more blurb to fill you in on before the end of the month.
Until Next Time…