The Letter And Other Stuff.

Before I start on this, I just want to thank everyone who has visited over the past few weeks and left comments. The last post is the single most commented on post in the history of It’s Just A Ride. Thank you. Now on to business.

My sleep is still erratic, I am doing what ever I can think of to get myself back into some kind of ordered sleeping pattern. I have started FORCING myself to go to bed at a semi-reasonable time and waking up at a fixed time and not going back to bed during the day. I am still waking up pretty regularly during the night, so I am still not getting any quality sleep but I am sure once my body and head get in sync and realise that I mean business they will fall in line.

I have started reading at bedtime. The first couple of nights it was just a page or two of different books, trying to find something that hooked my interest and would hold my interest if it took a month of reading to complete. I h ave settled on George RR Martins Game of Thrones. I loved the TV series and people have raved about the books being so much better (as they usually do.) It’s a heavy weight tome, On my e-reader it comes in over 800 pages so maybe a month is being optimistic. I will persevere and read the whole damn thing I am determined.

I got THE letter from the DWP a week last Friday. The letter informing me that I was being transferred to ESA. It arrived as all DWP/Benefits Agency letter do, on a Friday. I am sure they do this to me so as I have a shitty weekend and stress and worry. The letter informed me that I would be telephoned within Two weeks by some from the DWP. The letter didn’t say what they would be calling about or when they would be calling, just a ball park idea of “Within Two Weeks.”


If you remember a while back when I saw my Pdoc last she mentioned that my diagnosis was “Evolving”. Well, the result of that meeting has been playing on my mind ever since. I have asked before now what my diagnosis was and whomever I asked had rattled off something or other and moved on quite quickly thus my not ever having absorbed what they think may be my current diagnosis. So with the thought of a telephone interview looming I called my Care Coordinator to get a definitive answer. I explained to the CC what was going on and why I needed an answer and he (I think reluctantly) told me that The Pdoc has written to my GP explaining that they now consider me to have “Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder – Impulsive Type” with a co morbid diagnosis of Bipolar Affective Disorder Type II (currently Under Review.)

Well I didn’t know what Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder was… so I turned to Dr Google. It turns out that when you do a search for EUPD you get results for Borderline Personality Disorder. I thought I had broken Google so I tried Bing and it did the same.  After a little digging I find out that they are one and the same thing just named two different things by two different books. So, they think I have Borderline Personality Disorder.. time for more research.

I went back to Google and searched fro EUPD again and after the Wikipedia article the next one is this from Leicestershire NHS Trust. The article opens with a list of symptoms:

The following list of symptoms and underlying problems might mean that a person could usefully be described as suffering from Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (also known as Borderline Personality Disorder).

  • Suicide attempts
  • Self-harm e.g. cutting, burning, overdosing
  • Alcohol problems and illicit drug use
  • Eating disturbances
  • Emotional disturbances
  • Problems with relationships
  • Criminal and other violent behaviour
  • Symptoms of clinical depression and anxiety
  • Auditory hallucinations
  • History of being physically or sexually abused
  • Unhappy, insecure, chaotic childhood
  • Overwhelming loss and grief
  • Overwhelming fear of abandonment
  • Impulsive behaviour

Now I couldn’t get my head around that list. I could relate to 3 MAYBE 4 of these symptoms but overall, that list does not describe me. Where had they gotten their information from. I showed the article to Mum and Linda and they both felt the same. So I took a look around some more and read up on it and both the DSMIV and ICD10 both pretty much say the same thing. So a couple of days later I call my Care Coordinator back and ask for a meeting. I explain to him that I don’t agree with the diagnosis and how am I supposed to explain to the DWP about my illness and how it affects me if I don’t relate to or consider myself what the diagnosis says I am. We arranged a meeting for last Friday.

Fast forward to last Friday and I am getting ready to head out to the meeting and the phone goes. It’s the DWP.


Oh well, I think… time to get dropped in it. In all reality, it was a bit of an insult of a call really. All they wanted was to ask if I had gotten the letter. I told them I had and they went on to explain what would happen next.. well the contact centre agent tried to explain, but I think I took her by surprise when I asked if the “assessment” (please note… she did not say Medical Assessment.. just Assessment) would be done by ATOS. She flubbered and said “Yes.” She carried on trying to explain the procedure and I just went along with it until she tried to remember what W.C.A stood for and I had told her (Work Capability Assessment for those who are outside of the UK.) The call ended pretty quickly after that. I guess she assumed I knew what the rest involved. She finished off by saying that I would get the ESA forms through the post within several weeks. Nothing like having a efficient service. She did make clear that it was imperative that I get the forms filled out and sent back quickly as my benefit could be affected if I didn’t.. well fuckin’ duh.

Anyway, that was that call out of the way. I carried on getting ready to go to meet my CC even though it wasn’t as important I see him quickly as the call from the DWP had taken place.. I still wanted to know where they got this diagnosis of EUPD from. Then the phone goes again… It’s my CC. He has to cancel because he is the Duty Nurse and he has to do an admission that afternoon. He called with 20 minutes to spare before our meeting. He asked me to call back at the start of this week and set something up.

So that’s how far we have got. My worries about ESA have started. MY diagnosis is still up in the air (for me anyway) and I have to wait until the end of this week to see anybody. I should have mentioned further up… my CC has said that there is nothing HE can do about my diagnosis, that is solely down to the PDoc, but he has spoken to her apparently.. he didn’t tell me what they had spoken about just that they had spoken about my case.

I am doing what I can during the days to keep myself occupied. Trying my utmost durng the evenings not to just sit at the computer and wallow in random websites that do nothing but amuse for ten minutes. I will be reading more now that I have started again. It’s just the twinkly lights of the Internet are so damned attractive.

Until Next Time…



  1. You do not have BPD! Jesus Christ, I swear they pull diagnoses out of their arses sometimes. I hope that their ‘review’ will clear things up for you.

    Best of luck with the DWP and those bastards ATOS. It’s a quagmire and going through it when you’re mental is so tough. Really hope they are not complete arseholes when you see them, and you get the money you’re entitled to.

    Take care

    Pan x

    • Thanks Pan

      I honestly don’t know how I feel about my current CMHT. On one hand they are brilliant in the fact that the Recovery Group they ran and invited me onto pretty much as soon as I was referred to them and it was a brilliant course that ran for longer than the prescribed CBTish length courses.
      Then on the other hand I get the fuckwittery crap with diagnosis changes and a Care Coordinator who has trouble remembering from one day to the next why I was speaking to him. It’s enough to send you round the bend just thinking about it..

      I just want to get everything sorted diagnosis wise before the ESA forms arrive and I know what I am writing down and what the CMHT are going to say to them.

      Thanks for stopping by.

  2. I agree with Pandora. Sometimes I just want to say to psychs, I have WTF, don’t worry about the label, just fix me!

    I can’t sleep either, I’ve been trying a holistic approach, but it’s not working. Looks like I’ll have to go back to good old pharmaceuticals.


    • I have been told to stop sleepers because I had been on them for too long.. it didn’t really matter to be honest, they didn’t work after a couple of nights. I am just waiting for my next money to go into the bank so I can try a Melatonin supplement that has been suggested in a previous comment. If I can start sleeping more than 90 minutes in one go I’ll be happy.

      Thanks for stopping by Sheri.

  3. How much melatonin was it suggested that you take? That’s what I take, and maybe it’s just not enough.

    • There was no recommended dosage from Ayelet in the last post. I figured that I would ask the Pharmacist when I went into the chemist or maybe even my Care Coordinator. I’ll take it gradually and see how it goes.

  4. Hi Paul,

    I have nominated you for the Liebster Blog Award. Liebster means ‘beloved’ in German and basically that’s what this award is about. I really appreciate your blog so I wanted to give you this award.. You can go to my last post My Very First Blog Award for futher information!! Thank you and I hope you are doing well