Need A Break From The Ride

The title of this post could possibly be taken out of context. I am not closing IJAR down, and I am not stopping posting (not that I post a hell of a lot at the moment anyway.) Taking A Break From The Ride simply put is that I have decided that I need to stop some of my more self destructive behaviour.

I had a CPA meeting a couple of weeks back. I haven’t written about it as I just haven’t been able to post to this blog with confidence for a while (more of that in a minute.) During the CPA meeting I think I referenced about 15-20 things that I had read on the Internet. Things I was sure of because I had read anecdotal stories of others dealings with ESA and the DWP amongst others. I could see my Psychiatrist and CPN’s eyes rolling back in their heads each time I mentioned the Internet. Looking back.. it was a bit of overkill.

I have spent the past 2-3 years reading up on ESA scare stories. More recently, DLA stories. I don’t want you to think that I have no sympathy with the people who tell these stories. These stories HAVE to be told. The people who have fought their battle have to write their account to be Mentioned In Dispatches. People have a right to know what lies in store for them, forewarned is forearmed. However, I have taken it too far. I have pretty much mashed my head up with worry and stress. I sent my forms back to ATOS back in December 2011. Ever since my Paranoia has gotten worse and worse. I look out of my bedroom window across at the house opposite and I see a disturbance in the way the curtains hang and I am certain that they have a camera set up in their window waiting for me to leave the house and catch me doing “something wrong.” Earlier this morning when I was sat on the side of my bed.. I saw a car go up and down my street twice. I live in a Cul-De-Sac (of sorts). Why would a car go up and down my street twice at gone 2am? Just more evidence that I am right.

I have held back writing on this blog with any great depth as I was sure that it was being read and monitored by the DWP. I am sat here now thinking I don’t really give a damn if it is. If I am too help myself get better I have to try and shatter all these firm held beliefs that I hold in my head. The barriers aren’t going to fall on their own. I don’t know where to turn for help… I really don’t.

Getting back to my point. There are people out there who have close to killed themselves for the things I have. The Spartacus Report team are paragons without equal in doing whatever it takes to get their voice heard. Every day I see another Tweeter or Blogger championing a cause that is dear to them. I made a “promise” at New Years that I would become more involved. I really did try. I wanted to be there and hold my fist clenched raised above my head. When things came to the push, I crumbled. I couldn’t follow through with my good intentions. The fact is that I knew/know I was/am onto a hiding when it got to the start of February and I had only left the house a maximum of 6 times since December 23rd 2011. I knew (and still do know) that I need to address this. I need to get my shit together before it all come crashing down.

I really am sorry. Sorry to all the people who but a gut string to make sure that people like me can carry on holding my head slightly higher than it would if there was no help or hope.

This is my first step.

Until Next Time…


  1. I’m (rather selfishly) glad you’re going to continue blogging, Paul – I must confess that I did freak out at the title somewhat!

    Anyway, I completely relate to your worries about the DWP monitoring the blog. I have very similar fears – so I know it’s shit, and I’m sorry you have to deal with those concerns on top of everything else. Honestly, you have no reason to apologise for anything. Of course campaigners like those responsible for Spartacus are admirable, but merely taking the time to write and tweet about their achievement is meaningful in itself. You’ve done what you can, and deserve credit for it.

    And taking the first step – that’s hard to do. Kudos.

    All easy for me to say, of course – I know it’s not so easily believed! But from an outsider’s perspective, you have nothing to feel bad about.

    Take care, mate

    Pan x

    • Thanks for the comment Pan and the very kind thoughts.

      I have had a couple of offers today for trips out for Coffee later in the week if I think I can manage it.
      Small steps and all that stuff.

      Be Safe.