Messy Mind, Messy Head

A Messy Desk

If my mind is reflected through the state of my desk… then man am I really screwed

It’s been hard to come up with anything to write for IJAR of late. I am still attending my weekly STEPPS group and my mind is mostly occupied with that.  With each week that goes by I feel that I really don’t belong in the group. I say this because I no longer feel ill, it’s more of a case that the whole STEPPS system is set up for people with Borderline Personality Disorder and I am even more sure now than I was when I first got that diagnosis that I do not have that. The things we talk about in the group are interesting to learn about, but I don’t identify myself with the symptoms or traits that are laid out for that illness.

I have my CPA on Monday and I am really not looking forward to that. I never like them, but I get the impression that I am in for a mental beating and a game of cat and mouse whenever I go into the room with my consultant. I really would like to get a second opinion and move on to another consultant, but it’s hard enough to get an appointment with the one you are assigned too let alone getting a second one.

My sleep is really disordered at the moment. I have stresses that keep piling up one on top of another. I finally managed to get my CPN to give me a few sleeping pills to help me get back into some kind of rhythm with my sleep, but circumstances just haven’t allowed me to take them. It’s a pattern that repeats every few months and I think I finally have my CPN’s realisation that I am not just asking for these drugs for the sake of it, it’s something that happens with me and I need occasional help breaking it. What I need now is for my mind to be reassured that my wife will not get hurt during the night and for the DWP to get their arses in gear and sort my ESA evaluation and for a multitude of other things to come into line so I can finally get a full nights sleep, medically induced or naturally. I just need a few nights.

That’s it for now.

Until Next Time…

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