My day starts with a ritual. It’s the same each and every day, I turn my alarm off at 8am (yes even at the weekends) and then I look at my left arm and I repeat what it says to me three times.
It’s just a Ride
It’s Just a Ride
It’s Just a Ride
Every day the same; every day I have to convince myself that today is the same as yesterday and the ride will be just as easy today as yesterday was. Except it’s not, it’s getting harder and harder at the moment. Each repetition of the mantra is getting harder to say, to believe as not a lie.
At the moment I feel cast adrift on some kind ofmonumental iceberg of desperation that doesn’t seem to have any sides. I hate to say itbut I am wearing those masks again that I fought so hard to break down and put away in all those bloody groups that I attended when I first moved down here and really got my arse in gear and took getting well seriously. I know I am doing this because the masks are making my face hurt like hell. I don’t mean that figuratively, I mean physically. I am so fucking tense all the time, it seems I am storing every ounce of stress and tension in my jaw and when that happens I clench my teeth and I get an involuntary lock of my jaw. Not quite lockjaw, but not far away from it. It all ends up with the sides of my head feeling like it is in a vice and my teeth are being crushed from top and bottom up and down.
I had plans for this blog to become something else other than a place for me to come and moan and whinge about my “mentalz”, but I realised quickly that I needed a place that I could have and not be that other guy who writes about positive stuff and people who know me for the person who has been writing about the dark ride, and the bad side of life.
It Will Pass… BUT WHEN!!!
Yeah, eventually, this too shall pass, we all know that mantra, but at the moment that’s just complete and utter bullshit and it makes me feel absolutely no better in the here and now. Now all I want to do is beat the living crap out of something. I want to be destructive. I want to hurt myself. I want to do something so NOT me it’s hard to concentrate on something that is plainly me! Just reading what I have written so far, I know that this isn’t me.
The overwhelming feeling of doom and gloom is not new to me, I spent so many years fighting the dark smog of Depression over and over through the overmedicated years. After my discharge for services in April of last year, I was apprehensive of how I would handle a situation like this, how I would go about getting help. Now I am arse deep in it I have no idea. I have no words to communicate to those close to me that I need help!
I think if I am honest with myself, I don’t really know what help I do need.
Is it a medication change?
Is it some kind of talking Therapy?
Is it something else I don’t know of?
I really, at this point have no idea.
Chemical not Situational
A few weeks back I had some issues going on with financial problems (who doesn’t the first couple of weeks after Christmas). I got myself in a bit of a state, but I sorted that out and had a few days of feeling fine and then thins shit storm hit me and bam I am down to the lowest I have been for almost 10 months. Wallowing in the black bath water of doom. Taking all of my shitty anger out on my family, the ones who don’t deserve to have it, get it.. yet the ones who do deserve it get fobbed off with a fake smile and a pleasantry that would placate a nun on a wet Wednesday in Rhyl.
This doesn’t seem to be going anywhere fast.
Basically, I am feel like I am back to square one and things haven’t improved for the better and I need a solution to whatever problem I have. I am depressed about something yet I don’t seem to be able to find a root cause. The issue that could have been the cause isn’t as its been sorted and is no longer an issue, and there is nothing or should be nothing to stand in my way to being happy.
It’s all a crock of shit and I am pissed off with it full stop, end of the line, subject closed… for now.
Until Next Time…