**Trigger Warning for some talk of Self Harm in this blog post. If you think you may be affected by this please don’t read.**
Hey there, long time no speak, and I am back like a bad penny. It seems I use this blog like I use the Mental Health Services, when the crap hits the fan I dial up the IJAR blog and unload my woes. This time it’s almost 4am and the Creeping Heebie Jeebies are settled in for the second night running. If I call it that instead of a.n.x.i.e.t.y. it won’t be as bad, and will have that jovial sense of humour I am so well known for… HA!
Trust me last night at 2am it wasn’t jovial and it certainly wasn’t funny. I wasn’t cracking jokes and I wasn’t seeing the light side of things. Where this aching and oh so sudden crippling attack has come from I don’t know. I know the cause, and I know when it will (hopefully) end, but the cause of it is unknown right now.
OK, let’s just break it down.
This months user forum that I attend I had been asked to facilitate as the woman who runs it is on annual leave this week. Ordinarily no big deal I have done it a couple of times in the past and have been in more stressful situations in the past.
A text message was sent out earlier this week alerting all of the usual attendees that the forum would be on and that I would be facilitating the forum, and that a member of the Clinical Commissioning Group would be in attendance to get feedback from the forum and could as many people attend to support me and the forum.
At this point I start to get a little jittery at the prospect of dealing with a member of the CCG on my own with a group of people who could have varying issues to air with the CCG. It’s not unheard of for meetings like this to be hijacked (I have seen it and it’s not pretty at the best of times).
Last night I went to bed early as I had been suffering with a head cold and just wanted to sleep and get some rest and try and forget everything running through my head. I go to bed, put on the radio as is normal, turn off the light and settle back and then BAM! Wave after wave of gut churning doubt started to run through my whole body. I doubted every achievement I had accomplished during my recovery up to this point in time. Getting out of bed in the morning was looking in doubt at this point in time.
The longer I lay in bed the longer things got worse. The voices in my head started to kick in and nothing could dissuade them from getting louder, not a change in radio station, not music. Meditation and deep breathing didn’t work. I came down stairs and had a cigarette to try and break the cycle of what was going on in my head, but nothing would work.
The creeping Heebie Jeebies were in and they were there to stay.
Back in bed, I laid there with my face in the pillow and my hands kind of over the top of my head and the next thing I knew I was scratching at the back of my hand. It lasted for maybe 5 minutes, but once I was done, I fell asleep and woke up at 10am this morning when I was woken up. I guess I got maybe 6 hours sleep in the interim.
I have said before on this blog that I don’t (routinely) self harm. Until last night I stood by that statement. There is no pride in my saying that, rather a realisation that it is a coping mechanism that I had never needed, but last night I did and it was there and I used it.
The strange thing is that today I got a phone call informing me that the person from the CCG would NOT be attending the forum tomorrow after all, so, you would think there would be nothing to worry about and that I could have a good nights sleep and wake up refreshed and raring to go, NOPE!
Twice I have tried to go to bed tonight and twice the same reaction (minus the self harm outcome). I refuse to use the scratching or other harming technique to become a crutch to get me through an event that is bothering me. I HAVE to find a way within myself to get over these humps and hurdles, ways and means to get around the corners of life that have roadworks blocking my way (and all those other corny Facebook meme quotes).
My eyes are weary and my limbs grow heavy, but still after two attempts at going to bed and having pretty much the same reaction, I really don’t see the point of putting myself through the agony of trying. The time has come to end this little pity party of a post. I am not likely to get any sleep tonight, well not in a comfy bed on nice soft pillows at least. (You know I think that fact is more indicative of self harm than what I did to my self last night!!!)
Until next time…