I don’t know when it started anymore, I was finally told what I had about 4 years ago. I knew I had problems but I didn’t know they had a name for it or that it could be diagnosed, I just assumed that Manic Depression was a catch-all name for weird depressives. I didn’t realise that the mania was actual. I don’t get the mania too much, I am mainly depressive, which is a bitch because people look at depressives differently than they do manics. Manics have some fun times, ok it could be part of a destructive fun time, but at least you get a laugh some of the time.
I have been manic at times… they call it “Hypomania” where you get a little bit manic but don’t spiral out of all control. My Hypomania manifests itself in my need to spend money. I have gotten myself into about £2000 worth of debt through hypomanic spending. We are paying it off now and I have my cards taken away from me when I feel the urge to spend spend spend. I have to date never thought I was god or the son of god but I have felt that I was better than everyone else and the whole world revolved around me. I see this now as totally alien concept and most of the time I am a polar opposite from that statement and I feel that the world would be far better off without me.
In my depressive times I find myself alone and needy. Every little thing is to much trouble. It’s a strain to get througha day without hanging my head and wondering what the quickest way out of this particular situation would be. Sometimes that manifests itself as a suicidal thought, sometime it’s disappearing of the face of the planet, and then sometime it’s sitting in the corner as small as i can get listening to music to blot out whatever is going on around me. Luckily my family know the signs and can take action or just leave me to it. When that happens it can take hours or days for me to pull out of my funk, but I have yet to find a better solution.
My biggest problem though is that I suffer from persecutory psychosis. I go through phases where I think people are watching me and staring at me. It starts as a claustrophobic feeling and that the world around me is starting to crowd over me like a waterfall would drop water over you. From there it heads to the staring and people watching me and then to a depressive stage that requires the above action to be taken. This continues for as long as my head takes to get over it or however long the new drugs take to work. As this is a major problem for me, I try and get to at least speak to my Psychiatrist as soon as possible.
The worst this last thing has gotten was one night I snapped totally and ended up sat in the dark hiding from “The People” coming to get me. I was sure that they were just outside and were ready to snatch me. I completely lost it and refused to sleep until I was told that I could lock the bedroom door from the inside and no one would be able to get me. All the time I was in my bedroom i was sure that people were going to come in through the windows but I managed to sleep for about 90 minutes. I wasn’t put in hospital, I don’t know why but I wasn’t, but I think that was probably as close as I have gotten.
That’s the brief potted history of my battle with Bipolar Affective Disorder. I do take requests for more answers and If you do have any questions feel free to ask.