Sneaky

I have sat here this morning and reflected back at the past week or so and I have realised that depression has snuck up on me again. It really is a sneaky bastard. I knew I was having problems a couple of days ago where I was having increased voices in my head trouble, but this morning it’s all too evident that things are not going as planned. Continue reading

Wants And Needs 2012 – Revisited

At the start of the year I posted a list of “resolutions” that I hoped to achieve through 2012. I thought I would take a few minutes to get back to the point and see how well I did.

You can read the original post here

  • Writing More – Well, my output didn’t increase massively. I did however stretch my reach a little away from my own blogs. I contributed a couple of times to the most excellent This Week In Mentalists strand over at the The World Of Mentalists. I also joined the team over at Scribes of Metal a new Rock and Heavy Metal News and Reviews site. I have given a couple of reviews for albums this year (the new Rob Zombie Remix album and the Led Zeppelin Reunion album Celebration Day I hope to do more with both sites in the following year.
  • Reading More – I have certainly read more in the past year than I have in any year since I left college. Having said that I can’t quite recall if I have read more than 12 books. I do know I have had more than a few very late nights where I have gotten caught up in a book and not been able to put it down. The most memorable would have to be “The Heroin Diaries” by Nikki Sixx. It is a collection of diary entries from one year leading up to his choice to get himself clean. The honesty in that one book alone had a profound effect on me. He was able to show an honesty and a trust in his readership to take his story and run with it and make their lives better and more productive. I am currently half way through his follow up memoir “This Is Gonna Hurt”. Sixx once clean needed a new outlet for his creativity and he used Photography. Again another massive inspiration for me. Briefly, Brendan o’ Carroll (he of Mrs Browns Boys Fame) has had me in stitches at ungodly hours of the morning with his first two novels about Mrs Brown. They were such easy reads that I really wish that they were twice the length so I could have had more to read. I have one more to read in the series and I am saving it for a time when I am a bit down.
  • Website Theme – The website design that is in effect at the moment is the design that I set out to create. I didn’t 98% of the work myself. The other 2% came from my Brother and the guy who designed the base theme. Yes I know I wanted to create a whole theme, but I found a theme I thought looked pretty good out of the box, but I wanted a more personal stamp on it. So, I went down the route of a Child Theme. It’s the best of both worlds and I now have something to work on when I want to move forward.
  • Other Sites – My other website phurwood.co.uk is no more. I don’t know why but I went out and purchased the domain paulhurwood.com. It was a spur of the moment thing and it sat there for quite a while whilst I decided what I wanted to do with the domain. I don’t do much of anything really so it was doomed to another blog. In reality it has taken the content from every site I have ever had through the ages (with the exception of this and Spnak in it’s photographic guise). It is now a website that I plan on focusing more of my time on in 2013.
  • Other Health – I mentioned before about taking better care of myself, health wise. Well that pretty much didn’t happen. I am now eating a lot less than I was this time last year (and it wasn’t much back then). I seem to have developed an aversion to certain random foods. My sense of taste is buggering everything up. Food tastes off or not quite right. If I do manage to eat a regular meal it is a 50/50 chance that it won’t make a reappearance. My GP has no idea what could be causing the problem. The diabetes is still out of control, but I have had my injection medication changed to a once a day kind so I should be able to get the doses I need to help bring it under control.

So that’s how the last year has gone in relation to what I set out to achieve. I am not sure that there will be another resolution based post on IJAR this year. All I do know it that in 2013 I HAVE to focus on getting better and getting my life back to some kind of order. 2012 had a lot of bad points that knocked me back far to much. I am only now just getting back to a semblance of normality after the whole Insomnia and Voices issues. hope you all have a great 2013. Be safe and look out for one another

I hope you all have a great 2013. Be safe and look out for one another.

Until Next Time…

Better Heathcare Through Bribery

I know it’s been a while but I wanted to keep my head down for a while and it turned into an absence that I didn’t expect to last quite so long. There are numerous reason why I would want to take a break but there are two that stick in my mind and are most prevalent to why I am back writing now. Continue reading

Deaf To The World

I have been, what some may call, a little sick the past few weeks. I myself feel like calling it my dead period. I don’t recall the last time I felt as physically sick as I have over the past three weeks. It all start with a little sting in my throat and sinuses. I thought maybe I had had a rough night and spent it snoring my head off. Over the next few hours of that Saturday I started getting a more and more congested in my head and then by 6am Sunday morning I was full of it. I could hardly breathe and my nose wouldn’t stop running. Quick onset cold.

It festered and I got to the point where I couldn’t sit at the computer and resigned Mum and Linda to my company in the Living Room. For the next 10 days I monopolised the TV remote and spent maybe a maximum of 1 hour sat at my desk. I downed tools on Spnak (my photoblog) and I gave up on regularly checking Twitter. Facebook was checked on my iPhone once a day and that was pretty much the extent of my online life.

I am now three weeks later still having the odd problem with a chesty ukky cough but I am back to almost “”normality.” The Only thing that I really can’t handle is the fluctuating deafness in my right ear. It is like hearing the world through a wad of cotton wool. No amount of hot water down there will break up what ever is blocking my ear. It has made life interesting for everyone else around me. Normally I have excellent hearing. As an example, I can be in the kitchen and listen to something on the TV three rooms away or I can hear a request for a hot drink come from Mum whilst listening to Pink Floyd on the PC. Now I have a standard response of “EH WHAT DID YOU SAY.”

I am sick of apologising for having to ask people to repeat themselves every time they speak to me without looking at me. To make matters worse I have to turn everything up 50% louder than it normally would be which makes understanding what people say to me even harder. I know a trip to the GP would be pointless as it’s just a side effect from a cold. I honestly don’t see what the point would be of wasting an appointment on something that should clear itself up fairly quickly. Having said that, if there is no improvement by midweek I may change my outlook on that. My hearing is far to valuable to me to mess around with.

In Mental news – I was invited to a launch event of a group that is run in my area (I may have mentioned them before). I attended the event last Friday and got there with no real expectations. I had been to this building before but it was during a pretty low patch for me and I had not really paid much attention to what was going on around me. When I got to the building I straight away started feeling very panicky. It felt like what I imagined being on a Submarine must feel like. The event was well attended but this also meant not much room. I couldn’t physically get much further than the door to the main room. I was penned into the lobby of the building and when I ventured in the whole place just started crowding over my head. I was handed a presentation pack of events that the group would be running n the near future and I spoke to the group leader and then I had to make my excuses and get out for a while.

Its been quite some time since I had felt like this. I was on my own as, up to this point, I had been on a pretty good run Mental Health wise. I had been using my coping skills I had learnt from previous groups both here and back up in Corby. I always had my exit strategy planned out before, this time I was flying blind and it freaked me out. Luckily Linda was in town still and a quick text and we found each other fairly quickly. I really hope this isn’t me sliding back to a bad place. I say this as I have been having some weird feelings over the weekend.

I have for the past 12 months had this growing urge to get back to a more structured way of living. Having somewhere to go at a certain time on a certain day. Something akin to getting a job. Getting off over two thirds of my medication and getting out of the haze has helped me in this. Realising that I AM getting better at living a better life was helping me think about reintroducing myself back to the world. This weekend however, I have felt a general apathy towards pretty much everything. I would ordinarily put this down to the Cold/Flu thing I have had, but this was different. This was all in my head and not a general malaise. I really felt that there was no real point to any bloody thing going on around me. Things that had kept me going during my physical illness no longer held any kind of meaning for me. I had no real desire to be around anyone, the TV that I had been watching or the books that I had been reading were doing absolutely nothing for me. I want to say I felt MEH!! but it was so much more than that. I actually felt lazy and unmotivated.

I know Lazy and Unmotivated is exactly what Daily Mail readers would consider about the right state of mind for some one on benefits and out of work and for once a small part of my mind actually agreed with them.

Does this present state of mind actually mean that I have rejoined the non-mentally interesting world and I am cured or is this yet another symptom of my illness that is introducing itself. I have no idea what would happen if I tried to get a job. No doubt in the current climate it wouldn’t be easy for me to do so as after having almost 4 years out of work with Mental Health problems would probably hinder any chances I had at offering a glowing reassurance to any employer. Having had a panic attack at being in a rather small place on Friday only illustrates to me that there is still some work to do, maybe that is what has triggered off these feelings of being ineffectual in where I am at the moment. A setback will do just that.. set you back.

Well I have rambled on more than I intended to today. I found some old stuff I wrote almost a decade ago that seems scarily relevant to what I have been going through over the past few years. I may add a few to the website once I get over the cringing feeling of my own juvenile attempts at poetry.

Until Next Time…

Wants And Needs

As in years past I have said that I don’t “do” resolutions at the start of the year, I think I see a flaw in that outlook.

NO Resolutions = Nothing Getting Done

So with that in mind I am going to “suggest” a few things I can look back on now and again that I would hope a more motivated me would like to have done by this time next year. Continue reading

Getting Nuked

Yesterday was a first.

When I saw my Consultant way back in the early Summer she mentioned that she would like to get a C.T. scan done to see if there were any “organic” reasons as to why I was hearing voices and having “pseudo” visual hallucinations. I agreed to this as I wanted to rule out everything possible for the things that had been going on for years. My old team up north had never broached anything like this so this just further suggested to me that I was getting a wholly different kind of treatment down here. Continue reading