Messy Mind, Messy Head

A Messy Desk

If my mind is reflected through the state of my desk… then man am I really screwed

It’s been hard to come up with anything to write for IJAR of late. I am still attending my weekly STEPPS group and my mind is mostly occupied with that.¬† With each week that goes by I feel that I really don’t belong in the group. I say this because I no longer feel ill, it’s more of a case that the whole STEPPS system is set up for people with Borderline Personality Disorder and I am even more sure now than I was when I first got that diagnosis that I do not have that. The things we talk about in the group are interesting to learn about, but I don’t identify myself with the symptoms or traits that are laid out for that illness.

I have my CPA on Monday and I am really not looking forward to that. I never like them, but I get the impression that I am in for a mental beating and a game of cat and mouse whenever I go into the room with my consultant. I really would like to get a second opinion and move on to another consultant, but it’s hard enough to get an appointment with the one you are assigned too let alone getting a second one.

My sleep is really disordered at the moment. I have stresses that keep piling up one on top of another. I finally managed to get my CPN to give me a few sleeping pills to help me get back into some kind of rhythm with my sleep, but circumstances just haven’t allowed me to take them. It’s a pattern that repeats every few months and I think I finally have my CPN’s realisation that I am not just asking for these drugs for the sake of it, it’s something that happens with me and I need occasional help breaking it. What I need now is for my mind to be reassured that my wife will not get hurt during the night and for the DWP to get their arses in gear and sort my ESA evaluation and for a multitude of other things to come into line so I can finally get a full nights sleep, medically induced or naturally. I just need a few nights.

That’s it for now.

Until Next Time…


As I mentioned in my last post I have been hearing voices for a while now and my CPN and Psychiatrist have insisted that I carry on implementing my current coping strategies and develop more. This is a challenge to me, mainly because the things I use at the moment have pretty much always worked in the past. I have never really had to stretch myself to find new ones. Eventually all of what I know how to do will work. Continue reading

Better Heathcare Through Bribery

I know it’s been a while but I wanted to keep my head down for a while and it turned into an absence that I didn’t expect to last quite so long. There are numerous reason why I would want to take a break but there are two that stick in my mind and are most prevalent to why I am back writing now. Continue reading


I had a CPA meeting last week. It was a surprise to me as I didn’t even know one was due, and as I found out neither did my CPN. How we laughed.

Now I am just about getting used to the set up where CPA reviews are concerned I sit there for 30 minutes answering every question trying to be as amiable as possible and give them all of the information they ask for. With the exception of the issue over my diagnosis evolving (see here and here) I pretty much go with the flow and try not to stress out much about these things. Well the diagnosis issue came up again in this meeting. Seeing as I have taken part in the Recovery group and the Creative Arts group they want to move me on to the next step (the name escapes for the moment). Continue reading

The Next Step

So, where to begin. There is a post that is sat in my drafts section that I just cannot bring myself to post. Even by my standards it’s a whiny pile of crap. Yes I guess if you read it you could feel a modicum of sympathy for my current situation but in the long run I really should just take the ball and start running my flabby arse off to get to the next part of my life.

As with everyone who is reliant on Benefits there comes a time when you realise that things cannot go on they way they are and you have top make a choice about where to go next.

In short, my family doesn’t have enough money to get through the month. It is no ones fault. We are a medically crocked family. E.S.A. is what it is and as I have mentioned before I have gotten away with more than my fair share of luck in the whole process. I have been in the past so wrapped up in my own claim I let matters that effect others in my family slip by. So whilst I was defending myself I was letting down others and not fighting their corner. I can’t change this situation now, but I can alter how things are ahead of us.

On Monday of this week I had a CPN meeting and I spent pretty much 50% of the meeting explaining about our situation and my CPN asked me outright if I was willing to go and meet with some people who MAY be able to help me out in search for work. Put on the spot I had to think quick. Of course ever since October 2008 I have thought about the prospect of going back to work at some point. At 38 I am to young to be on the scrap heap of life. I know I have more to offer, more to give someone who could be willing to give me a chance. I agreed to meet with these people (hoping that they weren’t some kind of slave traders who sold the disabled too unscrupulous employers for peanuts.)

That night was the night Panorama and Channel 4 broadcast their programmes about ATOS and the Work Capability Assessments (WCA) I have only seen the Panorama show so far but one line of narration in that programme pricked my ears up on stalks, it went something like:

Employment Support Allowance recipients in the Support Group are the group who are not expected to ever work again!

Other things in that programme gave me conflicting thoughts and gut reactions. There were people who quite plainly had more (different) healthcare issues to myself and in my eyes most were worse off than I personally feel at this time. Without getting into the debate of who is more entitled, I had to think more on the subject of the question of could I work again if given a chance?

I spent the rest of this week up until today (Thursday) thinking about how I could go into a meeting and explain my situation. I did what I always do.. I winged it. I just answered the questions as I was asked them in the most truthful way I could. The lady I spoke to listened and wasn’t at all pushy and has left it up to me to decide if I want to go forward with joining them in my efforts to find paid work. She was adamant about a couple of things though. She insisted that I sign up to Do-It and at least apply for one volunteering position. This is an easy thing to do as I had been on this site before (albeit at 3am one morning where I didn’t sign up to anything for fear of it coming back in the cold light of day and biting me on the arse).

So she sends me off with an information pack about their organisation and an agreement to get in touch in a week and let her know what I had decided. I headed home with so many more questions in my head than I had before I had gone in there but with one firm resolve…

I had to start somewhere to get somewhere.

As the title suggests, there IS a next step and I have started that ball rolling. I have signed up to Do-It and I have applied to the local branch of Rethink. I had met one of the people who run that branch during my Recovery Group sessions and bad health had stopped me from getting in touch before hand but I have now made the leap and I now just have to wait and see if they get back in touch. I am formulating a plan in my head that will help me help myself with help from others. It’s not going to be a quick over night transformation, but I have a goal now and I have the startings of a purpose again.

Until Next Time…

Let’s Make A Deal

So, I saw my CPN today. As always he was alright about seeing me. very welcoming to both Me and Linda. We sat and had a little chat about how everything is going in general and how Linda was feeling after having¬†Pneumonia. Then we got down to the nitty gritty of what’s really been going on.

Continue reading