Spontaneous Brain Fart

Yeah, not the best title for a post I have ever come up with.. but my mind is racing. It knows what it wants to say it’s just getting it down in some semblance of readability.

This past Tuesday was the last of my Creative Arts Group. In one respect I am glad it’s over. I enjoyed the process of playing with pains and the like but the end result always left me feeling like a child of Four or Five at Nursery School. I think the only thing that could have improved my output at these groups was if I had just gone in and drawn stick men for two hours every Tuesday morning. At least I would have been consistent.

This last group was a wrap up session. At the end of every group I have EVER taken we have to assess the group how we have felt during the time we attended and what do we think could be done to improve the group for the next bunch of people who come in. I always hate this bit as I know the person who has put this group together has spent a lot of time and effort into getting everything in place to make the group happen. The only thing I could really fault with the group is that it was done in the morning. I have a hard time being creative in my own time but having to be so earlier in the day was an extra stress on me. I don’t usually feel the effect of taking Seroquel as I can usually sleep it out naturally by 10am, but on Tuesdays I’d have to be up before 8am to get my shit together and get to the group for 10am. It wasn’t pretty most weeks.

So after filling out the forms that were needed we completed a project we started a few weeks back. In short we had a rather long piece of very thin muslin type material and we were asked to draw buildings that had meaning to us. The end product is to be used in an exhibition in Canterbury later in the year. There are other groups doing similar projects. The first week, I have no idea where it came from but I drew a Hobbit hole house. It was a fair representation to my eyes.. it was no Dutch masterpiece but I think if you look at it for a moment or two you may get what it is without having to be told. The following session we had planned on finishing off the project.. but one thing led to another and we had to devote a third week to it. That second week we had filled out more of the materials edges but we still had large areas of undecorated space. A member of the group made a comment about a wall, which sprung my mind back to a play I had had been involved with at college many many years ago. If the piece is about building why don’t we make the rest of it a brick wall and the graffiti the hell out of the wall. The idea went down well and that’s what we did.

The rest of the time in the group flew by, for some reason the creativity of coming up with ideas had made me feel so much better than actually doing the physical act of creating something. I guess it’s a case of being able to see an idea but not realise it that has frustrated me for the whole of the course. The only thing that I had any success at was the drawing session (which is unusual for me). I had actually drawn something that resembled what it was supposed to.

After the group was over I came home and was feeling kind good about myself and in a silly minute took a picture of myself making a stupid face. I have no idea now a few day later why I did it, but I knew I could have some fun with the picture. This is what I ended up with:

A digitally altered version of me

Feeling good about oneself usually ends up in an embarrassing photo ending up on the Internet.

So that’s it.. my group is over and I am onto the next part of the journey of Recovery. What comes next is anyone’s guess. There has been talk of some Talking Therapy, but I will need to assessed first to see what THEY think is suitable for me. Could be CBT (ackk didn’t work last time) could be one to one sessions with a Therapist (dunno, never spoken to an actual Therapist before.. the closest I got was with a support worker back up in Corby).. or it could be a multitude of other ideas that I don’t know about yet. I do know that they are changing the way the handle each “Service User”. They are rearranging their teams in line with a new set of Government guidelines. The lottery continues.

Until Next Time…

Ideas Springing

It’s not often that I get too many ideas for creative endeavours but I seem to be on somewhat of a roll. These ideas whilst exciting to me right now, I just hope that I can maintain this possible momentum.

In my last post I made mention that I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to get out of the Creative Arts group. I think maybe it was designed to help spur the user into exploring a different avenue that they hadn’t been using before. In my case (I can’t speak for the others on the course) reignite that spark that had been extinguished.

I doubt that it will be as straight forward as it seems right now. At the moment I envisage me sat at the computer rattling off idea after idea and it being received like a brand new Harry Potter novel. I know I have issues to overcome before I can really take full benefit from this latest spurt of creativity.

One thing is for sure though… I am really enjoying the idea of having ideas again, having something to develop and offer back to something.

As they say… WATCH THIS SPACE.

Until Next Time…


As some may remember I have been attending a Creative Arts group through my local CMHT as of late. I am not sure what I was expecting from the group. I know that writing helps level me out at times when I am at sixes and sevens. I know that my Photography helps me see the world a little differently and gives me some perspective on what’s going on around me. What I am not getting (and I am sure this is JUST me being totally thick) is what this group set out to achieve with me. Continue reading

Back On The Horse

After taking the second half of March off from pretty much everything, I am back trying to wrestle some kind of creativity back into my life. The only thing that has been a constant for me is my daily postings to my photoblog www.spnak.com. I have, without fail, posted one post/image a day since late December. I have found something that I can focus on and improve at without needing to get external validation. It doesn’t matter to me what others think. I am taking the pictures everyday to see how much better today’s image is compared to yesterdays, what apps work for that style of shot.

I have been bitten by the photography bug. I spend more time during the day looking at other photographers websites. I spend quite a bit of time going through the Instagram iPhone app looking at neat images that defy the realms of what I thought a phone could do.

As I had mentioned before I spent about 3 months locked in the house hiding away from the invisible eyes spying on me. A side effect of coming out of the other side of that is that I now feel the urge to go out so much more than I ever did before. Unfortunately I still can’t manage this on my own and I try and make plans that means I can get out with either Linda or Mum. Things happen though and sometimes it’s not possible and I get my knickers in a twist and end up feeling pent up and frustrated that I can’t go out. At this point in time I don’t see what’s stopping me from going solo. The rational side of my brain is saying “Go For It.. what’s the worst that can happen?” the irrational side of my head is screaming “Don’t Go Out.. they will see”. I think I need to take baby steps again. Maybe take a walk around the corner and see what I can see. You see all this impetus to go out is to go out and get more pictures for the photoblog. (I’m hooked.. I told you as much).

I mentioned in my mini update that I had been referred to a Creative Arts Group. Well the first session was last Tuesday and feeling rather apprehensive I showed up and decided to give it my best shot. Now I have NEVER EVER proclaimed to be an artist (maybe a piss artist in my youth.) I don’t create art, I do STUFF. It’s the way I have always been. You need to have a set of skills to create art. If I create anything that resembles good, “it’s a fluke, I got lucky that time.” I don’t count my leanings to photography as Art yet.. I see that as a stepping stone to finding something I can finally learn to be good at. So attending a Creative Arts group would help in seeing the things around me in a different way.

The group is small which is great for me, it’s not overwhelming and I don’t feel as conspicuous by being there. It has a great feeling, a feeling that eventually we will spend most of the two hours relaxing and hanging doing something creative together. We were sent an itinerary of what will happen over the 12 weeks of the group and there doesn’t seem to be anything geared towards a group project, but from the way the first session went, a session or two could quite easily morph into something group orientated, we’ll see.

The first session was Still Life Drawing. There was a 3D collage of items set up in the middle of a few tables pushed together. We were asked to draw what we saw. Be it the whole collage or just one section of it. I knew, for the life of me, I wouldn’t be able to draw the whole thing so I chose a Jar. It was kind of like a Pasta jar without a lid. I spent the first 45 minutes fumbling around trying to get it right, but basically came out with a bunch of stick figures that tried to look like a jar. I think the facilitators of the group could see my frustrations as I spent more time with an eraser in my hand than a pencil. It just so happened that on the whiteboard in the room the resident artist had drawn a diagram of how to draw the jar I was attempting. He explained to me the principle of blocking out the Jar and drawing it in sections. Slowly I started again following his instructions. Over the next 40 minutes my stick figure jar actually transformed into something that actually resembled what I wanted it to. I even got cocky and drew in some detail and shaded the jar. At the end of the session both group leaders commented on how good it looked, and you know what, I was actually pleased that I had improved over the 2 hour period. It felt good.. an instant boost to my self esteem.

Next week it’s collage.

Well that’s it for me for now. I hope no one was April Fooled to badly today. I stayed in bed until 11 so I only had to manage an hour without getting humiliated.

Until Next Time…


A Quick Update

Things have been quieter around here than normal this month. About two and a half weeks ago I started to notice an unusual spike in bandwidth being used from this blogs account. Sure enough the next day I got an automated email from my host stating that I was close to running out of bandwidth.

Luckily my host is my brother who is also my go to person with anything related to the websites design or technical doodats. We have spent the past couple of weeks trying to tie down the problem and get it fixed. It has all come down to a plugin I had been using to feed images from my posts on here to RSS readers.

I have no disabled it and my brother is working with the developer to try and get the plugin fixed. I am hoping it does get fixed as I think it’s a plugin with great potential and it really helps out on my photo blog Spnak. I think if someone is reading in an RSS reader (like Google Reader) then a small thumbnail in the extract of the post is a great incentive to come over and take a look at the whole thing.

OK enough about the blog itself.. I have been referred to a Creative Arts group at my CMHT. That starts next Tuesday at the ungodly hour of 10am. I have enough trouble putting the kettle on at 10am let alone being creative, but it’s something I have wanted to do for a few years and to finally have an opportunity to do it I am not going to pass it over. I shall fill you in on more of the details in my next post (which probably won’t be until April.. but hey)

Until Next Time…