I have been sat at my computer for what seems like months (in fact it’s been five weeks or so.) I have sat here with my blog open and willing myself to write, hoping that something would come to me that would make sense outside of the crazy ramblings going on inside my head. It never came. As the days went on I started to feel obligated to write, to have some kind of thing out in the ether. I followed Facebook and Twitter looking for something I could knowledgeably latch on to and maybe have something to say on a news story of the day. Philip Davies – member of parliament for Shipley… well he is just a dick, I could think of anything more to say about him and…well that just didn’t seem like a substantial blog post to write.
I posted yesterday on Twitter that my mood was basically shot to all hell. I haven’t felt this down in quite some time, so venting out on Twitter was an unusual thing for me. I usually like to keep my emotions to myself and this blog. Twitter is for a bit of fun and supporting the friends I have made on there. I see so much drama on Twitter, I don’t need to add to it.
For me to open up and blurt out that my world was about as low as it could go was a big thing. I didn’t expect replies but I got a couple. The one that spoke to me the most was from @moodmonster who suggested that I could be going through post election slump. After sitting back and thinking about that for the past 24 hours I think she may be right. She said that she had been very down after George W. Bush was elected. To be honest I think EVERYONE was the same, the American presidential race and the President himself is a global office, so much more so than the Prime Minister of the UK. That’s not to say that Prime Ministers are not important but they don’t have the same , you know….. RAW POWER behind them. I am sure that the New York Times and Washington Post didn’t have front page splashes of Gordon Brown leaving Number 10 and have the Lizard Boy David Cameron turn up and take over the mantle. It’s just not the same.
I seem to have a few triggers that are event related:
- The Death of my Father – I was undiagnosed at the time but looking back I see all of the signs
- Actually being Diagnosed with Bipolar had a really hard effect on me – I kind of went into meltdown for about a month after I was told. The world was against me
- 9/11 I was depressed and emotionally wrought for weeks after that event and I only watched it on TV.
I have everyday triggers that seem irrational to me as a person aged 36. If I don’t get my own way I can be a petulant little child. I will and DO sulk in a literal corner for hours. I can be a moody teenager who sits in his literal corner and just blasts music until the world goes away. If I have to deal with bureaucracy of any kind… Bill Collectors, Catalogue Company, Doctors Office, I get very stressy and wish someone else would deal with it and often I will put off something to my own detriment. Hell I lost the best credit card deal ever because I avoided the telephone for three months and now my credit rating is screwed for the next 18 months (It was three years but that was 18 months ago).
I really wish that my triggers ended there.. but they don’t. and they are to ingrained in me to explain properly. I have auditory and visual hallucinations, and when they get to strong and to forthright in my head I get triggered to start doing some weird shit to try and force them back. The latest being I now trry and engage them in meaningful conversation to try and find out what they want and what I could possibly do to make them be quiet or even heaven help me go away permanently. The answer is always the same
“Shut ya face FATBOY… We’re here to stay”
Lovely peoples I hang with eh?
enough of my rambling witterings. The best advice I can cack handedly offer is… DON’T LET THE BASTARDS GET YA DOWN.
Oh Yeah Pdoc appointment tomorrow… will update with what he says then.
Be safe y’all
Until Next Time…
OK, I admit it I missed a couple of doses of meds this past week but does that really give my head the excuse to go all curley whirly on me. Nothing seems to be calming me down. I am as jumpy as a Cajun catfish on the end of a hook and I am seeing shit that should never be seen by a human. Oh and yeah, I can smell my feet, and I took a shower this morning. I think I need new slippers or a new med to get rid of smelly hallucinations.
Honestly I have tried sleeping through it, I have re-introduced the 1mg of respiridone to take me back up to 7mgs a day I have tried eating healthy. I used the relaxation stuff I was given, but none of it seems to work. I am at this precise moment listening to Fleetwood Mac in the hope that Stevie Nicks will whisk the funk away. I am sure Lindsey Buckingham is holding her back but I dun care she will pull through for me.
I am getting more and more preoccupied with things that don’t really need that much attention. If I make a cup of coffee it has to be done in a certain way. Every time the milk has to come out of the fridge just before the kettle boils and then I have to stir it ten times one way and ten times the other. If I didn’t know any better I’d say I was getting a little OCD over coffee. Which is quite scary seeing as I drink 7 or 8 cups of coffee a day. I know I am doing it and it’s becoming a real drag going through the rigmarole every time.
It seems that the symptoms are all coming at once. Along with the repetitious stuff, I am getting paranoid and hallucinating. The Paranoia is based around anything that I am unsure of. If someone mentions an un-named person on Twitter, Facebook or an online forum, I usually assume it’s me that they are talking about and I try and find a way of assuaging the feeling by trying to offer a solution. OK that’s me being helpful but I know the reason behind being helpful. If I offer the solution and suddenly I can no longer see the feed or whatever I know it’s me. In a rational way of thinking I know I have done nothing wrong, but I still get the paranoia questions running through my head:
Did I say Something Wrong?
Did I do something Wrong?
Did I get to Pushy and come of creepy and stalkerish?
To make the paranoia worse I am seeing things again. Surprisingly not the man outside the window, but bugs flying and crawling all around me. I am also seeing someone crawling under my computer desk. It’s a glass topped computer desk and I see a dark shadow of a figure crawling underneath. Of course I know it’s not there now but it’s getting more and more frequent and I am constantly looking for the figure to be there. I really want all this to stop and let my head get back to a normal space.
Until Next Time…
It’s been an off day for me. I have felt funky and down for the parts of the day I haven’t been asleep. The only reason I have for feeling this way is that my sleep was screwed up last night. Early night for me tonight.. I am off out to test the anxiety thing tomorrow.
Just a short one from me tonight.. just wanted to let you know that I feel crap and to put the image up there.
Until Next Time…
As you may have noticed things have been pretty quiet around here with the exception of a spate of posts made about my medication management diary. There will be more of those coming so you will see a lot more posts from me in the near future.
I have been mostly absent from the blogosphere for the past month due to having not much enthusiasm to write. I have to keep the diary so I will be writing more from now on whether I like it or not. Part of my “homework” for medication management, apart from the diary was to create a list of what I like doing for myself. It seems that I am not focusing on the positives that I like doing and I need to be doing more of that apparently. It seems so self indulgent to think just of me when Mum and Linda are going through the same hard times I am. OK they don’t have the voices and hallucinations to deal with or the lack of ability to go out unaided. But things are tight here and we are all having to make bigish sacrifices just to make it from one pay day to the next. I dread the next email I get from the bank. They only email me to tell me they are charging me a fee for going overdrawn on my overdraft or to say I have a statement waiting to be read. It’s usually the previous.
Any way back to that list:
Using the Computer
Listening to Old Radio Plays
Contributing of various On-line radio Forums
Digital Graphic Art
Looking back over that list I must seem like a very insular person. None of it involves leaving the house. I seem to have become entrenched in the house. I wouldn’t even know where to start to find a hobby that involved leaving the house. There is some talk of my joining a creative writing group at the local library but I don’t have any details on that yet. I do need to find something to do outside of the house, especially seeing as I don’t see myself being back in work anytime soon. If the Bipolar doesn’t kibosh me the economy will. Who in this climate is going to employ a liability like me. Oh well it will all sort itself out in the long run.
I am on week 5 of my medication management programme. I am finally reducing some of the medications. MY Flupentixol is down to 0.5mg am and 1mg at night and I have been taken off of my wonder drug Lorazapam and had it replaced with Diazapam originally at 5mgs and today reduced down to 4mgs. I haven’t really noticed much in the way of withdrawals from the Lorazapam which is something they were worried about. The change over to Diazapam has been smooth. The reason for the change in dosage today was because I mentioned that I had been sleeping a lot over the past week so the doctor reduced the Diazapam too see if that would help.
My life skills group ended the week before last and I miss it. OK I may not have gotten the most out of the group but I did get some good info and it was nice to meet up with a group of people every week to talk. The groups were very loose and our conversations often strayed off course and it was all very anecdotal. everyone had at least one story to share each week and it made the two hours of the group fly by. I look forward to any other groups I can get involved with. My spirit seems lifted after being involved in a talking therapy group type situation. I think it must have something to do with getting out of the house and having someone else to talk to other than the dust bunnies growing around my mouse pad.
I sem to be having problems sleeping. I have been up all night now. It’s now 5.30am and I am still not tired. So i figure I will just stay awake until I do get tired or fall asleep sat at the computer. No doubt the later will happen sooner or later. Linda and Mumn will be getting up to get ready for work soon and I will just sit back and wait to wave them bye bye. I don’t know what’s more depressing, not being able to work or having to work when your sick. I wish there was an easy answer but I just don’t see it at the moment.
The sun is coming up outside. So I will confine this to the archive and say:
Until Next Time…
I have a dream that I will return to blogging and receive a rapturous return from my hundreds of adoring fans. They will await my every word, they will fawn over my every drop letter and drip over my misplaced semi colons (They have to be misplaced I dunno where to use em normally).
I have given those dreams and now blog just for the need to write something down now and again and If anyone reads it then have a blast. My blog will never go away. I have too much there to get rid of it… i just don’t have that much to say anymore. Maybe that will change now that I have more time on my hands. You see dear me.. I lost my job last week. I am now unemployed and for all intenets and purposes unemployable. When you can’t leave the house on your own it makes it a bit difficult to do a days work. I am pretty sure that they don’t allow you to bring your mum to work every day to keep the nasty people from looking at me and talking about me.
Am I downhearted?…. Nah. I knew it was coming I was just suprised it took em so long to do it. The kill was done swiftly enough… about Four weeks from start to finish and that included going to see a works doctor in the middle. If i was looking for another job about now I would be sweating it, but given my health issues work isn’t really a priority at the moment. Getting to a place where i can leave the house unaccompanied is what is on my mind at the moment.
I know I said I wasn’t going to be writing about my Bipolar on here any more but it seemed like the right thing to do and I am not really talking about it it’s just in the background as it always is. I have come to the realisation that no matter what I do I have to take into account the hallucinations, the voices and the paranoia first and then get into the right headspace to do what ever it was I needed to get done in the first place. Some would say it would just be as easy to not do anything and just be strange for the rest of my life…. hey it’s an option I have considered.. but I can’t afford the Tin foil for the hat and windows just yet, but I have a savings plan for it and my design for the tin foil hat is coming along nicely.
I have had an Elvis evening. I downloaded a 10 cd japanese boxset and have just gotten around to listening to some of the tracks of it. It’s the complete singles collection so It has all his well known stuff and stuff that I dug from growing up in a family full of Elvis fans. Looking back to my childhood, Elvis was everywhere. My Uncle Barry did an oil painting that hung on our living room wall for as long as I can care to remember. It was like those pictures of the Mother Mary Catholics have on thier walls, I almost prayed to that damn picture. When I was 7 or 8 I went away on a school camp and we had a talent night, and everyone had to do something … I did my Elvis impression… the kids didn’t get it but the Teachers dug my gyrating hips and snarl. They either got it or they were laughing at me for being a dork… in my present state of mind i think it was the latter HAHAHAHA.
Well that’s it from me for one night.
Until Next Time…