Hello Lungs

Here I am sat writing again at close to 3am because of my health. This time I have a killer cough that woke me up at 2am last night and it wasn’t until I took Night Nurse to ease the cough that I got any sleep. I’d take some more tonight but I have to be up in 5 hours to get ready to go to a Diabetes check up at my Doctors surgery. I pretty much know what is going to be said there as I had my Byetta check up on Tuesday and I know that my H-test score is down by 1 point to just over 9 which is what the specialist wanted when I started on the injections, but I am not losing weight fast enough for my liking. I feel like I have lost more weight that the scales actually show me losing. I had only lost 4 pounds in the past two months. I was hoping for at least half a stone in that time. I guess it just means I am going to have to start doing something physical on a regular basis that doesn’t just involve me getting up from in front of the computer and going to make a coffee..yaboosucks.

I am still having major problems with my moods. I seem to be constantly down and miserable. I caught myself starting to scratch my arm yesterday and stopped myself before I did any damage but it was scary that my head was in that harming place. It seems that any little thing can set me off and when something kind of large happens that’s it for the foreseeable future. Modesty forbids me in relating what happened this time. This blog is too open for me to go into details but needless to say I was let down and it hurt a lot. I find that the drugs are not helping but I see no possible help in changing them. I seem to have exhausted my Pdoc’s casebook and although he does tweak what I am on he is reluctant to change anything or try something new. It’s always the same comment. I can’t take one drug because I have Diabetes and all the drugs I haven’t tried and would most likely do me more good mentally are bad for my weight gain (which as I have mentioned before is non existent. I have gained a pound of weight in over 18 months).
I would love to try Seroquel as everywhere I turn in the Madosphere I hear good things about it. It has some nasty side effects like weight gain and over sedating, but then again I haven’t had any problems with any other drug in regards to sedation. The only one that gives me any respite from the Insomnia is Zopiclone, but that’s designed to do that so it doesn’t count. If I could start again with my drugs I would like to be as aggressive as possible to start with and not have to go into the long battle like I am doing at the moment with the massive amount of drugs I am taking at the moment.

Daily Pills

This is a pretty crappy shot of my daily pill intake

One of these days I will properly list what I am on so I have a record of what i take and don’t have to rely on Linda to make up my pills each week. God knows what I would do without her. I’d have to make up my own pills which would lead to many mistakes which would lead to missed doses which in turn would lead to many more crazy attacks which in turn would lead to my probably ending up in hospital or jail which ever caught me first. So ya see my wife is a godsend and without her I am much less of a man.

Oh well I have rambled on enough. I may just take myself off to bed for a couple of hours so I don’t look like a complete zombie when I get to the Doctors.

Until Next Time…

I know how the Wicked Witch felt

It’s seems that Summer has finally arrived and I fucking hate it, hate it with a passion. I hate to feel over heated all the time to have my arms stick to my sides when I take of my shirt. The only positives of the heat is….. oh wait there are NO fucking positives.

On to other non moany stuff, it’s been a strange week around here. I have been playing Florence Nightingale… yes that’s right folks I have been prancing around in a nurse outfit and getting my jollies off. No seriously. Linda had surgery on her shoulder this week and has been rendered almost incapable of doing anything that requires two hands. So I have been running around doing my best to make sure she is comfortable. It’s no mean feat when she is such an independent person who thinks she is Supergirl and can do shit for herself. As the days go by she is getting more use back in her arm and consequently more more use she gets the more pain she is in. So my work won’t be done for a couple more weeks (at least until she gets her stitches out in 10 days time.

Oh Yeah… some one is having a Bar-B-Q outside my fucking window and the smells are driving me nuts. It’s a smell that reminds me of better days. This particular smell reminds me of August 19th 1999 when i went to see Bon Jovi at the Milton Keynes Bowl. We stopped at a pub and they had Bar-B-Q food for sale there and damn if it didn’t smell and taste the best food I had ever eaten. It’s little memories like that that make a First Concert experience special and unforgettable.

Health wise for me… I am doing OK I suppose. My depression is being forced to the back of my mind as I have so much on my mind to keep Linda from doing more damage to herself. But it’s there and at 4am when I am waiting for Linda to need help out of bed or an escort downstairs so she can have a smoke, the blues rear their ugly heads and not much can shift it until I am called into action again. I am tired a lot of the time and I must admit that I got up at 7am this morning and waited for Mum to come down and I went back to bed and didn’t surface again till 13.30 and I no have a heat headache because a, I slept to long and b, it’s frikken hot here

Oh well it’s Doctor Who time.. time to wake the troops for a trip to see Vincent Van Gogh and some crazy alien of the week.

Stay cool and Stay safe

Until Next Time…

Normality.. Who you kidding

Today is just another day. At least that’s my rationalization of it all.

I have been off work for 3 weeks. I have posted maybe once or twice in that time, but in general I have been a zombie for pretty much all of that time. Your probably not asking yourself “why you been off?” But I am gone tell you anyway, my way of coming clean with the world. Pretty much by Monday everyone I come into contact with is gonna know if they don’t already.

I guess you could say, I had a breakdown. I wasn’t handling life too well. I got to a stage where I was hearing voices and shaking uncontrollably. I cut myself in what can only be deemed a subliminal cry for help, I don’t actually remember cutting just it dawning on me that there was blood on the desk and my hand stung like a motherfucker.

I saw the mental health support worker and I got put on some heavy duty drugs to help me out and all they really did was put me to sleep for two and a half weeks.

Fast forward through lots of sleeping and lots of soul searching conversations (with myself and with Linda) and we come to my last day of my “Holiday in Insanity”. I am going back to work Monday, and as many people have asked “Are you ready”, I’ll be damned if I know for sure, but we’ll find out Monday at 8pm, by which time it will be too late to change anything anyway.

I am still on the heavy duty drugs so I still have to be a bit careful how I approach life, and not try and stretch myself to far to quick, but I’ll beat this shit and it won’t kill me.

Oh Well

Until Next Time…

yesterday.. headfuck

Yesterday was awful.

I was up at the normal time.. anywhere between 7 and 9 am depending on which alarm I listen to. Everything was fine. Spent a good couple of hours going through the archives at Kontraband.com . I found some real funny shit over there. when you have a spare hour or so, check it out.

At about 1pm, I started my daily ritual of getting ready for work and the it happened. I started getting antsy about something. I have no idea what but I was tighter than a fucking wire. I couldn’t shake it, I thought the trip to work would ese me up. I loaded up the mp3 player with stuff that usually mellows me out.

My bus trip usually takes around 35 minutes, I listened to Steve Martin‘ song King Tut all the way there. It didn’t help. My gut was getting nausious and I felt like everything was closing in on me. I couldn’t control my surroundings and I had to get out of there. I left work at 5pm want to just sit in a dark room and cry. These fucking moodswings are killing me. I never know from minute to minute what I am gonna feel like. Some of you (if anyone is reading this) may say no one knows what mood they are gonna be in. and I agree… no one knows shit. But for me, I can be laughing and joking one minute and wanting to smash the shit out of some poor sod who doesn’t deserve it.

I came home and slept all evening, woke up around 9.30 last night and stayed up til three am watching Windtalkers with Linda.

talking of Linda. It’s her birthday today. Today she is 50 tomorrow she says she’ll be 49 again. She just wants to test it out for one day and then start counting backwards..LOL… HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY.

Oh well time for me to start back on the work trail… In case anyone is wondering.. I am still feeling bad today, but no managers were available to arrange an emergency holiday for me today, so I have to go face the world again.. BOLLOX

Oh well……

Until Next Time….