Down Down Deeper and Down

To start with, I am sorry for the Status Quo reference, it’s totally unlike me, I can assure you of that. I like em but I am not what you would call an obsessive fan.

The basic fact of the matter is that I have been down for the best part of 10 days now with only brief sparks of levity. I really hate this feeling of having nothing to be happy about. Everything I do seems to lead more and more towards a funk. I have started getting pains in my chest which I have no explanation for, they just started. My head has been hurting¬† a lot more than usual. I have been told that I spend to much time sat at the computer, which i guess is true, but if I wasn’t sat here I would just be sat in front of the TV watching another screen, except there is nothing that the rest of the family watch that particularly interests me. Sad I know but I would rather stumble than sit through another Medical reality show or see how some freak in no place Midwest America killed his wife and locked her in a car and stashed the car in a lock up for the next ten years (This was an actual show yesterday).

I guess I could be masterful and demand to watch something else, but I know that as soon as I do, I’ll get the remote and I’ll flick through 200 channels of shit and end up back on Forensic Detectives or something. I can’t win for losing.

That’s just how I fell most of the time when I have the TV remote in my hand.

I don’t know where my depression is leading me and I really don’t like the thoughts that are running through my head in preparation of the eventual bottoming out. I don’t know if I’ll get so desperate that I’ll scratch again or if this will be the time that I can’t resist suicide. I am not at that place yet but it feels close.
I can’t believe that a 15mg drop in Mirtazapine has made me feel like this. I keep telling myself that the Medication Management is going to be hard on me but if this is how I feel after such a small drop god knows how bad I am gonna feel once the take away an anti-psychotic or a mood stabilizer. My family are in for one hell of a ride. God help em.

Until Next Time…

Almost Missed That One.

There I was sitting there thinking that I was forgetting something and the phone goes. It’s thhe secretary of my Pdoc:

“Can I speak to Paul please”

“Speaking” I croak (my voice has gone for some reason I had a three day bout of death warmed up and then after I am over the worst of it my voice goes… I now sound like a cross between Barry White and a Nun who smokes 40 a day for thirty years)

“Just ringing to remind you that you have an appointment tomorrow at 3.30pm”

“Ahh There’s the problem I have an appointment with my CPN tomorrow at 3.30pm”

“OK Let me speak to your CPN and I’ll call you back”

“OK Thanks”

10 minutes later the phone rings again and I croak it …. I mean answer it

“Hi It’s your Pdocs Secretary. Your CPN is not here today so I think it’s going to be best that you come in to your outpatient appointment and I’ll let your CPN know in the morning that your coming in and that she needn’t worry about coming out to see you tomorrow”

“OK Thanks I’ll see you tomorrow… Happy New Year Pdocs secretary”

“Happy New Year”

That was not what I had forgotten allthough I had forgotten it. I still don’t know what I was supposed to rememeber. It’ll come to me eventually. But I digress. My Pdocs secretary is great like that she will call me (and I assume all of Pdocs patients) to remind them that they have appointments. I guess it helps cut down on missed appointments which is always good seeing as Pdocs don’t come cheap.

So that’s my first appointment of the new year. Today also marked the first cancelled appointment also, my CPN has the flu so she called off today… which I guess is a good thing seeing as I wouldn’t have been here to see her in the first place.

My appointment was pretty much the same as every other appointment I have had with the Pdoc lately. He reads off my medications two maybe three times and then we sort of discuss reducing at least one of the medications. Today we actually decided to reduce one of them He cut the Mirtazapine by 15mgs from 45 to 30 a day. Normally I would have railed against changing anything, but seeing as I am going to be seeing the Medication Management team starting the end of this month and the sole aim of those meetings is to reduce my medication intake, i figured we may as well start today.

I am and am not looking forward to reducing my medication. One the one hand I know that with virtually every change we undertaken up to date I have had an adverse reaction and I have ended up worse off in the end. All med changes have invariably been reversed within a month or so. On the other hand I really want off of all these meds so that I can start to feel undrugged for a change. I want to be able to be clear headed and alert. I want to be able to write during the daylight hours and not have to wait until just before bed when I am most awake.

I know I am in for a rough ride the first half of this year and I know that there are going to be dark days ahead and who knows what other colours of the rainbow my days are going to become. I just hope that we can finally find some medication  combo that will shut the voices up and make the fella in the garden go away. Maybe July onwards will be my half of the year hopefully by then things will have sorted themselves out and I will be on a stable combo that is finally working.
Stay tuned for more info…lol

Until Next Time…


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It’s strange to see something you find hard to believe, but when it’s not really there in the first place it takes things to a whole new level.

Let me explain the situation… I have auditory hallucinations pretty much constantly, they are dampened down by taking Risperidone, but they are always there and I am always aware of them. The rest of my cocktail is Depakote, Mirtazapine, Ariproprazole, Lamotrigine and Lorazepam The Ariproprazole wasn’t working the way it should after nearly three months, so my psychiatrist decided to wean me off that and add in Reboxetine. That link takes you to the Wikipedia page for the drug. Now I know the wiki isn’t a professional thing but it’s pretty much accurate 9 times out of 10 when it comes to Drugs. If you read the side effects list, no where…and I mean NO WHERE does it mention seeing Spiders and men walking around in your front garden and watching you sleep. That has been my life for the past week.

I have visually hallucinated before but that was after not sleeping for close to 7 days in a row ( I saw my Mr Bump cushion dance across the floor… I thought it was funny). This time it’s getting beyond a joke. I am sure that the Reboxetine is to blame but until I can be sure I don’t want to bother the Pdoc with it.
I am not overtly bothered by the hallucinations but then again I am not happy about them either. I would rather not have to keep checking the floor to see if the Spiders are coming to get me are for real or not. I hate spiders at the best of times so why my mind is making me conjure these , I have no idea.
The man in the front grden is weird as I don’t know why he is there. He’s not doing anything except walking across the grass (my mum suggests I ask him if he’ll mow the grass while he is walking about.) The funny thing is he only walks one way I never see him walk back. I wish I was dreaming all this because I could fob it off using a dream analysis but because I am most definatly awake at the time it’s pretty pointless. The person watching me sleep is not, suprisingly, alarming to me. I don’t know why that is because to any “normal” person having someone standing in the corner while you are sleeping is gonna give you the screaming habdabs.

If anyone has any insights on where i can find more info on reboxetine other than wikipedia then hook me up with a link in the comments section… esspecially if there is a link to visual hallucinations.

Until Next Time…