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Happy Leap day folks. I just had to post today so my archives would show a post from today.. sad aren’t I?

A fair bit has happened in the past week or so since I last post. My paranoia has started to subside. I still don’t look forward to going out in public, but I am making steps to force myself to face my fears within reason. I have never improved in my illness without an element of Gung Ho spirit being involved. My head space gets all bogged down with the fact that I can’t do something and I fulfil that attitude by listening to myself.. and god only knows I am my worst source of advice at the best of times. Continue reading

Spies

It’s been a while. In fact it feels so much longer than it actually has been.

There is a good reason, well I say good, it’s a reason to me and a damned good one. I am sure there are others who will understand and know what I am talking about.

For the past 3 months I have felt an overwhelming paranoia that has all but crippled me. I haven’t made more than 7 trips outside the house since December 23rd. Of those 7 trips I would hazard a guess that 4 of them were trips to a medical facility and entailed a taxi from my front door to the door of the hospital and the same in reverse. The other 3 times have been forced attempts at trying to break this feeling. It hasn’t worked. I am sat here now at almost 5am wondering how the hell I am going to manage going to a new place later today. Continue reading

It’s About To Begin

This past Thursday I got the letter I had been waiting for from the local CMHT. Or at least I thought I had. On first glance it was all well and good they wanted me to phone up and make an appointment. Good  thought, then I went back over the letter and read it properly (damn my scan reading abilities.)

They wanted me to make an appointment to see “what they could do for me.” The penny then dropped for me that they know nothing about me and have obviously NOT sent for my notes from up north. So my initial fears of not getting seen by anyone properly till Easter is actually coming to fruition.

So I phoned them, they seemed very nice on the phone. I think all CMHT’s train their receptionists to be uber nice and to instil a sense of calm in patients. When i finally got put through to someone to make the appointment, I was put through to the access team. Now I don’t remember what it was really like when I first got referred to the Corby CMHT. Maybe I went through their Access team and didn’t quite realise it, but having to explain myself again after all these years is a daunting prospect. My illness has changed so much of the past 7 years that it is hard to know where to start.

I have my Care Plan from the last psych I saw but it’s a two page brief that doesn’t really say a lot about me and my Bipolar, just how I was on that particular day in that given three month period between appointments. I never think that the care plan that was sent out after each appointment was much use… now they are all I have to support my illness. Scary Eh? I guess I need to sit down and actually think of all the components of my illness and write them down so as I am not sat there umming and arring over each question. I hate making lists though… it makes it all seem so forced and premeditated. But if it helps then that’s what I need to do.

I am still waking up with the really bad lower back ache and am having to pop pain pills the first thing I do before I even have a cigarette or make a coffee. I hate pain and all that comes with it. I don’t have a real clue what’s causing it. I know I alluded to it being linked to my smoking and I will quit and then see if that helps. I know it can’t be my weight as I am still losing with the Byetta (diabetes drug.) I am going to flip the mattress on the bed today to see if that helps any.

*Jump forward a few days, It’s now Wednesday*

I never did get around to flipping the mattress and my sleep has been shot to shit ever since. I didn’t sleep at all last night and I only managed to get three hours this afternoon. I am wiped out, I just feel like sleeping for a week. I know I couldn’t do that but if just for once I could go to bed and not worry about waking up in pain it would be nice.

My mood has been all over the place. Monday I couldn’t do anything for the voices in my head screaming. One part of me felt like going out with Mum and Linda but the head said NO!. I wouldn’t have been able to handle the paranoia that would have gone with it. I haven’t had that much paranoia since I moved down here, so it was a little disconcerting.

This post is so bitty and bobby I should probably scratch it, but I have done that with about ten posts over the past couple of weeks so I am just going to post this sight unseen and pray that it makes sense to some one.

Until Next Time…

I Have Returned

Well, I am back from my holiday and things are getting back to their normal screwed up sameness. After two weeks of really good sleep (going to bed early and getting up at a reasonable time) I am back to waking up before 5 am and not being able to go back to sleep. This morning I just sat in bed and read some more of my book until about 5.45 and then said “fuck it” and came down stairs to start on the days coffee intake.

There really is some big news I am dying to tell you but can’t for fear of jinxing it. But when the time comes and it should be more than a few days now I’ll let the world know.

The weather is shit.. I mean really shitty. I wouldn’t normally complain but this shit is bad. As I said I have been up since 5 and it’s been raining heavily since at least then…and the wind. Bloody hell if it’s this bad in November what’s it going to be like in January.. I dread to think. I know I was the one all Summer long wishing for the winter to hurry up and arrive but I don’t think anyone would wish this kind of weather on anyone. To make matters worse I HAVE to go into town to the Post Office. Oh well just another ordinary in a less than average life.

I have been on Seroquel for about two months now and I think it’s working well for me. My intense paranoia has subsided. It hasn’t gone away but it’s not as bad as it was around September time. I still think that people are watching me and the visual hallucinations are still there. I keep seeing crawling things out the corner of my left eye. It’s always on my left hand side. Maybe there is something neurologically wrong with the left hand side of my brain. Maybe it’s a physical thing rather than a mental thing. Who knows… anyone have any guesses? Answers on a postcard please.

I would like to say it’s funny how my mind is telling me that I am being followed is but now it’s just getting plain annoying. I thought my trip away and the opportunity to get out and about without any of the added pressure of being seen by the natives of this area of the country and the government keeping tabs on me, but it just wasn’t like that. When ever I went out I had to resort to taking extra Lorazapam. I haven’t had to use extra Lorazapam for ages. I guess it was dealing with the unknown and the busy half term streets of a strange town was too much for me. I reverted back to my old type of not wanting to go out. Even in the deepest depths of boredom I resisted going out. I don’t think I felt totally at ease any time I was out of the house the whole two weeks I was away.

Just as an aside I would like to thank Midland Mainline Train staff at London St Pancras for their HILARIOUS joke on Monday night. I thought your jape of sending two hundred people running for the wrong train just the most funny thing I have ever experienced. One thing I can tell you for sure is that my Mother, who suffers from a COPD related illness thought it was a barrel of laughs having to try and get from one side of the platform to the other side of the set of 4 platforms in under three minutes. The only thing I can say is that you shower of pathetic twats were truly shown up by your on train staff who were most gracious to my mother and I when it was obvious that Mum couldn’t make it down to the assigned seats we had they let her stay in first class and use her oxygen and try and recover a little. It’s just a shame that the stress put on her lungs in that 10 minute time span has induced some kid of reaction that has left her with Flu like symptoms and needing virtually 24 hours a day oxygen at the moment. Bunch of fuckers (almost) the lot of you, I hope Santa fucks off with all your presents and gives them to the people you thought it would be fun to fuck around with.

That is all.

Until Next Time…

Post 99

This the magic 99th post on this blog. I have wittered on left, right and centre about my mental health and the state of the world (both equally fucked up I might add.) I don’t have anything earth shatteringly important to write. I am just waiting for the newly introduced and recently increased dose of Quetiapine to kick in some so I can sleep and not have to take a Zopiclone at the same time because god knows I am zombie like enough during the day without adding any more shit to the mix.

So, yeah. I saw my nice Pdoc last Wednesday, It was a major effort to get out of the house but I did it because I don’t want to be stuck here forever. I explained to him that the screaming voices had pretty much calmed down for the most part but I do still get the odd episode which is most disconcerting. I then went on to tell him about the world and it’s mother being out to get me. I told him how I had retreated from the on-line world I used to love so much. I now just feel like it’s another way for the MAN to spy on me. I have put out innocuous teasers like the odd video from You Tube on Facebook and I tweeted my entry in @kazcita very special #cockoff contest that runs for the duration of The X Factor. Basically she chooses two different celebs on a Saturday Lunchtime and then you tweet back your vote for the biggest Cock of the pair and the one with the most votes goes through to the next round.

I am sat here just going back through this post correcting the twenty or so supposed spelling mistakes with the Firefox dictionary tool and it really did occur to me that I am stupid in thinking that anything I do will stop people from finding me out. I doomed anyway I turn. This blog is hardly anonymous and is ranked up there when you Google my name you can find me any number of ways. I still post here just so anyone who is interested knows I am still alive and am not curled up in the foetal position under the table in the kitchen hiding from the little green men that are coming to get me.

I should be proud of myself I ran from my front door to the end of the street to the post box today unaccompanied. I was positive that all the cars parked were full of people watching me and when one guy pulled into the street and parked right in front of the postbox as I was posting my letters was a Government inspector come to catch me out for something. “Big Brother IS Watching”

On that rather sinister note I leave you as it’s now 3am and I really must try and get some sleep so I can feel crappy tomorrow… I really am enjoying life at the moment…. honestly

Until Next Time…

Hiding Away.

It has to be said that I am not a great out-doorsey kind of person. Given the choice of a nice ramble in the great wilds of Northamptonshire and sitting in a darkened room playing with the internet, I think you know where you’ll find me. I went on a school camp once and got blisters on the first two mile hike we took and spent the next three days looking after base camp and helping with the cooking for the rest of the class, I loved it.

Fast forward twenty years, to the past few weeks and I find myself STUCK inside. This is no common or garden not wanting to go out, this is a fear inducing paranoia slamming hatred of going out. I have been out maybe three times in the past 3-4 weeks. Twice to a relaxation group and once to a shop for milk… and I may be misremembering the milk trip.

I know what I am thinking sounds incredibly stupid and I have been told that what my delusions and paranoia stem from is totally unreasonable but still it’s there and as soon as the door opens I know with all my heart and all my twisted mind that I am being watched and spied on. When I wake up in the morning, someone has usually opened the blinds in the front room. Usually it’s mum waiting for her taxi to work or it’s us waiting for some shopping to be delivered. My computer sits right in place that it puts me in front of that exposed window. PEOPLE CAN NOW SEE ME! Well not if I re-close the blinds they can’t… and that’s what I do, before I even cross in front of them I close them again. It must infuriate Mum and my wife. I live like a vampire by choice the get it by default through living with me.

I have tried to explain to them what happens when I go out and how I feel and while they make the right noise and sympathise I am not sure I have done enough to make them understand what really goes on. I mentioned earlier that I had been out two or maybe three times in the past few weeks. The first time I went out was to a non existent Relaxation group. It had been cancelled but no one had thought to ring the attendees and tell them it had been cancelled. This left me outside and to my mind exposed to anyone who passed by. I was taken aback by the group being cancelled mostly and then the realisation that I was stood in the street like a shop window dummy finally hit and I became very self concious that anyone who wanted to follow me and keep track of me could now do this as I was stranded.

Let me take a moment to explain what’s actually going on in my head…

When I am out I think I know people are following me and watching me for various purposes. They are watching me to catch me out. Trying to catch me from claiming benefits, from having a diagnosis, from generally being me while outside the house. There has been a hell of a lot in the press in the UK about the Government wanting to cut the social fund bill. Cuts everywhere… the schools are being threatened the hospitals and healthcare are being threatened and as of late the Benefits system and it’s users are being targeted. Basically the government are wanting to get the money spent on Benefits down and they are going about it in many ingenious ways. The latest is getting your neighbours to spy on neighbours and report anyone who looks like a benefits cheat. Being paranoid like I am I am sure that half of my neighbours are just waiting for that cash incentive to grass me up. I have no inside knowledge that the government are going to offer “Incentives” to get people to report on people, but it’s only a matter of time.

The “sick” thing about all of this paranoia is that I know it’s totally irrational, and I know people have better things to do that watch me stand on a street corner waiting for a cab. I know that closing my blinds all day is more likely to attract more attention than not. It’s just that I can’t shake this over reaching gut feeling that something bad is about to happen to me and I don’t really want to be around when it does. I am being robbed of my life by my brain and it’s chemical imbalances. The support worker at the place where I go for my relaxation group asked if I needed an appointment to talk through anything…. I said no because it was just one more excuse NOT to go out and expose myself to the world.

I know this behaviour is totally irrational… and that’s the crazy thing… I don’t know how to change my way of thinking. When I had my first lot of anxiety sessions I had it all worked out and I did really well for a few months hell close to a year I was doing really well but now it’s all gone to shit and I am lost and stuck again.

One thing is really bugging me though…. I have no way of “safely” getting my next issue of Doctor Who Magazine from town next Thursday as Linda goes back to work next Wednesday. See…. Sad or what?

Until Next Time…