Brain Dump

I mentioned sometime last year that I was starting a new group at the CMHT. The name of the group is STEPPS. It’s not MY group I am just a participant in the group. As you can tell from the link the group is aimed at BPD patients or in “my case” Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (eye-roll). Anyway, whatever the reason I am there I have decided to make the most of the chance I have and try and get some new tools to get me through the minefield that is my life at times. Continue reading

The Big ‘Orra

It had to hit eventually, the thing I probably hate most about being a blogger. I ran out of shit to talk about and I got myself all worked up and when I thought I had something to write I couldn’t get the words out. Writers Block I suppose you’d call it. I am sat here now at nearly 2am on Monday morning just sitting here and blurbing out whatever comes to mind… Nothing new there then.

I have been mostly depressed for the past few weeks. I have been sleeping a lot, staying up late talking to friends on Instant Messenger services, drinking more coffee than is probably good for me and generally NOT taking care of myself. I have mentally let myself go, and the results aint pretty. The rabid voices I was hearing daily have no regressed back to every other day. I have given up on contacting my CMHT because they basically said last time there was very little they could do for me and just to take two weeks worth of Lorazapam. It didn’t help much seeing as I was taking extra Lorazapam for about a month before hand. I see my Pdoc again on the 18th (I think) and I will bring it up then and see what he says. I feel something has to be done or else what’s the point in taking drugs that aren’t doing the full job. Now, don’t get me wrong… I take the pills because for the most part they work, they just aren’t doing the full job… a change needs to be made. I would hate to think how bad I would be without the drugs. I know my family would end up abandoning me.

I haven’t been to my relaxation group for a couple of weeks… one week because I hadn’t slept for 36 hours and was afraid I wouldn’t make it through the hour long session without going comatose and last week it was cancelled due to a birthday. I missed it and have been listening to the music the facilitator uses during each meeting.

Here is a little acting lesson for you. Way back at the beginning of the 20th century there was this Russian dude called Stanislavsky who thought that the then modern staged theatre very stayed and blocky so he developed a set of excersizes that would aid an actor reach a more truthful portrayal of a character. Most people now now this as THE METHOD, as in Method Acting like Robert De Niro and Al Pacino. One of the most famous excersizes that came from the Method is called Emotional Memory. EM is where you take a thought which gave you a certain feeling and recall that moment and thus that feeling when portraying it in character. I hated doing this when I was an actor because it invariably wipes you out emotionally for ages after and I found it hard to break character anyway so having all this added emotional bullshit going on was a pain in the arse.

This explanation is just to tell you that the music that is played during the relaxation group meeting has become so associated with relaxing for me that usually all it takes is 5 or 10 minute listening to that and the edge has been taken off what ever stress is bugging me, that in and of itself has made sitting through the hour long navel gazing groups worthwhile. I say navel gazing, I don’t mean that as a bad thing. I really enjoy the groups but it does feel a little self indulgent that I get to take that time out each week and be selfish and just relax.

On that last note of old twaddle I will leave you with these two rather funny videos starring Punt and Dennis.

World Of Wine Part 1

World Of Wine Part 2

Until Next Time…