**Trigger Warning for some talk of Self Harm in this blog post. If you think you may be affected by this please don’t read.**
Hey there, long time no speak, and I am back like a bad penny. It seems I use this blog like I use the Mental Health Services, when the crap hits the fan I dial up the IJAR blog and unload my woes. This time it’s almost 4am and the Creeping Heebie Jeebies are settled in for the second night running. If I call it that instead of a.n.x.i.e.t.y. it won’t be as bad, and will have that jovial sense of humour I am so well known for… HA! Continue reading →
Before I start on this, I just want to thank everyone who has visited over the past few weeks and left comments. The last post is the single most commented on post in the history of It’s Just A Ride. Thank you. Now on to business.
I probably shouldn’t start writing this blog post at almost 11.30 at night, but seeing as I have opened up the WordPress admin page 5 times so far this evening it must mean that I subconsciously have something to say. So let’s find out where this screwy little brain of mine wants to go tonight shall we.
I am hoping that I can get some decent sleep so I can try and break this Seroquel cycle that I seem to be stuck in. I take my pills at 10ish in the evening and then go to be around midnight. I am usually up at around 8ish with the old pain in the back breathing trouble and then within a couple of hours I am back in bed till early afternoon. If it wasn’t for that darn pesky breathing thing I am sure that getting up at 10am would be quite sufficient and would lead to a more productive me who could get on with his day.
Getting on with my day, that’s a little bit of a joke you see. My days consist of sitting at my computer waiting for the next spam comment to turn up on my blog or drop into my email inbox. I know that writing that seems pretty pathetic and that pretty much sums up how I feel about myself most days. The fact that I can’t face going outside and the mere thought of interacting with anyone all but cripples me with anxiety. I am afraid that I am going to have to explain all this to some drone one day and have no words to explain it because I am so socially retarded at this point in time I don’t think I could do it if I tried. Oh yeah I better get over that by Monday lunchtime as I have to explain myself and my illness to the access team at the local CMHT. That should be fun. Now I have to justify why I need medical help on a regular basis and not have them stop my treatment of just have my GP deal with my medication. As much of a nice guy as my GP is I don’t think I trust him to not just stop half my pills cold turkey and leave me to rot in the eventual spiral of despair that would arise from such actions.
That’s it from em I am going to bed to begin yet another sleep cycle that should finish before Noon…well we can hope.
(As a disclaimer… I saw the phrase Zopiclone Hangover either on Twitter or a Blog this morning whilst being in the middle of a Zopiclone Hangover. I can’t attribute exactly the person who said it but if you read this and recognise your words… thanks for the inspiration.)
I go in spurts of needing to take Zopiclone. I take it for about a week and then I try and sleep without it. I think I have reached the point where I need to take a break from the drug. Personally for me I think it builds up in my system and leads to a point where I can spend a whole day in bed in actual deep sleep. It’s one of these trigger things I have noticed.
Zopiclone was prescribed for me on an as needed basis. I have serious bouts of insomnia where I can go days on VERY little sleep and in the end I end up depressed and so miserable and the hallucinations get to a point where I would do anything to shut them up and just die. That’s the point I know I should have been taking the big Z for a few days already. I usually manage to take it for about a week to 10 days a month and I get evened out and am sorted for the same type of period.
When I get to the breaking point after taking it I get the worst drug induced hangovers. I am not a drinker any more but I used to be and I never suffered that much with Alcoholic Hangovers. I felt a bit rough if I had really tied one one but I was generally pretty lucky not to suffer to much. I think it helped that I was a big fella and I had a lot of system to mess up and when I was drinking I was usually working in the theatre at the same time so I had the incentive to be on the top of my game. I was also gifted with a sense of knowing when to give up. I had my little tell of when enough Alcohol had been drunk… My Nose Went NUMB. I knew it was time to stop when the old schnozz went fuzzy wuzzy.
The Zopiclone Hangovers are much worse. They don’t let me get out of bed to get a drink of water, they tie me to the bed until I hurt. Maybe it’s because my bed is old and maybe the mattress needs turning but I ache in my back and stomach muscles most hangover mornings. I think the drug knocks me out so far that I find the worlds most uncomfortable sleeping position and stay there until my body decides it’s time to move. I am not even sure a Tempura Memory foam mattress would help at this point. Well anyway I have reached my limit for taking the drug at the moment. I need a break and some natural sleep. I’ll handle the headaches for the next couple of days while it gets out of my system totally, I’ll take the slightly broken sleep while my body realises that it doesn’t need the drug any more for now.
It’ll take about three days to get fully back to normal. I’ll get the sleep I need and hopefully it will stop the over excessive sleeping during the day. I know the pattern now and can gauge myself accordingly. I may have some pretty late nights because of it but I have a whole bunch of TV Sky+’ed waiting to be watched not to mention all the stuff I have downloaded.
That’s it for now… I am off for my 5th cup of coffee of the day. Keep yourselves safe
I needn’t of worried about my Life Skills workshop. The first get together was more like talk therapy.
There were far more people there than I thought there would be. There were probably 12-15 people there including facilitators. It was nice and relaxed to start with and then the interaction bit started. Introduce yourself to your neighbour and tell them a bit about yourself so they can feedback to the group about you and you can in turn do the same about them.
My memory is truly shot… we were talking for a good ten minutes and all I remembered was the poor ladies name and that her dog like to steal clothes of the washing line. She on the other hand remembered pretty much everything that I let slip about myself.
I did realise something rather sad. I am no longer the forthright person I used to be. I used to be the first and loudest to speak up in a group, now I am like a frikken wall flower sat in the corner waiting to be asked a direct question. Now I don’t know if that was because the group was so big and I just didn’t get my gums flapping quick enough, or was it the two Lorazapam that I took before the meeting (no way I was going in there clean…lol). After the group broke up and I walked down to the Taxi rank to get a cab home I kicked myself several times over for being a push over. I should have held my own a little more instead of being spoken over by other members of the group. Maybe next week will be different.
I slept well after the meeting. The Lorazapam has that effect on me. I have to take two when I go out as one doesn’t have much effect on me, the only downside to that is that when I finally get home and relax I start to nod off. It’s not that I mind the extra sleep, it can just be so inconvenient when I have other things I want to do. Idealy I would have posted this on Thursday Afternoon Evening but I was so whacked out I couldn’t form a sentence let alone a blog post. Friday wasn’t much better. I had everyone home and it was noisey as all hell in my head. I missed a couple of days medication this week and according to Linda this always sets me back for a week after. So that would explain the black mist I have had for the past few days. Oh Well.
I don’t know when it began and I don’t know how it began but I haven’t been sleeping at all well of late. I have been getting plenty of sleep just at the wrong times. I have been getting up at 10.30/11 o clock and feeling so wasted from my medication that I have been going back to bed after eating something and taking my pills. I usually sleep until 2pm or 3pm and then I will be up until 2am or 3 am. Then the cycle starts over.
Now your probably saying to yourself that “It’s not the medication that’s making you feel wasted it’s your f*cked up sleep patterns.” Well that’s what my CPN who visited me yesterday suggested. We talked it over and she suggested that take my evening medication MUCH earlier than I normally would.(ie 6pm) and then go to bed at about 10pm and try and get myself back on to some kind of *normal* sleeping pattern. I agreed and last night I complied. BIG MISTAKE.
I went to bed at 9.45 and duely fell asleep pretty much straight away. I did however find myself awake at 1am unable to go back to sleep. So i come down stairs and check my email and have a glass of milk to try and help me get back off. I went back to bed about twenty minutes later and did get back to sleep pretty much straight away. All was going well I thought to myself as I dozed off again….that was until 4am when my eyes pinged open and stayed that way for 30 minutes until I could stand laying down no more. So up I got and came back down to have a cigarette and to check my email again ( I check my email an unhealthely amount each day… it’s a habit I can’t break). This time I was up for close on two hours I watched an interesting film on Hallmark about teh Enron thing, it went well with the bowl of Coco Pops I had.
I had planned on staying up for the duration but by 6.30 I was ready to try for at least a couple more hours.
I woke up at 10.45.
The medication was not really a problem this morning I don’t think as I had taken it plenty early enough. I took my morning pills and got on with my day. But by 2pm I was knackard again. I should have stayed up but my eyes were closing on me. So I wimped out and went back to bed. It wouldn’t be so bad, but it’s not as if I am overly depressed about anything at the moment. My anxiety about going out is still in full effect but the mood has been pretty stable.
I have been up now for the rest of the day and I have taken my pills at around 10pm so hopefully I will get to sleep at some reasonable hour. I know I have to get my sleep patterns sortedout but it’s always easier said than done.