Implosion

***Warning. This post is pretty intense in places with talk of Suicide and other triggering topics.***

This post could quite easily become one big cliché. I don’t intend it too but I am going to explain what has gone on over the past couple of weeks.

I want to say that men bottling things up is a misconception that I would never fall into, but the past two or three weeks have proved that I too am just as guilty as the next (literal) man. I always thought that I communicated my feelings to my family well. I thought they were on top of things when I was in a funk.

This past Wednesday proved that wrong. In the most heart breaking way possible. Continue reading

The Mind Revolts

After my whining about feeling empty and nothing, it turns out that my brain took this as a cue to royally screw me over. I woke up at 7.30 this morning to my mobile ringing. The first reaction was to hurl abuse down the phone but then I looked at who was calling at thought

“Maybe it’s important”

All I heard was my niece and nephew playing with Daddy’s phone. Oh joy I was awake.

My head wasn’t playing straight games when I went to bed last night. I was up the latest I had been up for quite a while last night. I didn’t go to bed till 1.30 and I could have stayed up the whole night the way I was feeling. I guess I hate sleep until I am asleep and then it’s the best thing since sliced bananas on my Oats So Simple. My brain had switched into depressive mode and I was fighting the urge to relax and thought myself unworthy of getting rest. It’s something I often used to fight with. Since my sleep counselling I have been getting better but I find I am slipping back to my old ways.

I had no reason to be down. I had had a fairly relaxing evening. Mum and I watched Highlander and laughed at the obvious flying wires that were shown in the final scenes after the big battle. We love seeing little things like that it brightens up an evening seeing shit that the producers missed or were to cheap to fix. Ahh it’s all good fun.

I really don’t know where my head is going to take me over the next few days, probably some where really dark. The voices are at it again and don’t seem to happy at the moment. They seem to think that I need to get off my arse and do something more constructive…. when internal monologue ensues it usually ends up with me asking

“…Like What”

“Jump off a fucking bridge, we don’t care.. you’re fucking useless as you are at the moment.”

So you see, it’s all getting a bit crowded for me at the moment and whilst I am not actively suicidal I am getting the thoughts.

I am still waiting to be referred to the local CMHT. I would have thought I would have had a letter or something by now. It’s going to be Easter at this rate before my notes and paperwork gets moved down here. I really don’t want to see my GP about mental stuff as I fear he may try and mess with the medication, something I am not convinced a regular GP is able to do without any form of fucking things right up.I just want someone to talk to who knows what is going on and can make changes as needed. Nothing has really changed in my medication as of yet. We haven’t transferred over to the modified release Seroquel yet as we are trying to use up what we have left over from the last prescriptions we were given in Corby.

I am back from cooking and eating dinner. Come back to turn Planet Rock on and what starts playing after 5 minutes…. Hurt by Johnny Cash… now I feel fucking wonderful nothing like a pick me up. I should have turned it off because that track always puts me deeper in my head quicker than a bottle of Jack on an empty stomach. It’s over now, the song is passed and has been replaced by numerous other songs that fleet past my head and take my mind of it’s lonely misery for a while.

I hope that this mood doesn’t last too long as I really can’t be bothered with dealing with it all. It’s as anyone who has depression knows, a pain in the arse. I know that may seem like a pretty redundant thing to say but i can’t find any other way of putting it. A long protracted battle with my mind is not something this family could deal with right now. Linda is ill with what we think is a rogue strain of Flu that the flu shot we all got last October has missed and by the looks of things mum is coming down with it too. With Mums COPD she doesn’t need anything that could possibly settle on her chest and make things worse. It would just be my luck to come down with something too. I am quite possibly the worlds worst cold and flu sufferer. I try and struggle through things and then get all moany when I can’t do things. It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt.

That’s it from me for now. Keep all the depressed people in your thoughts tonight people they are struggling and quite possibly have no where to turn and that’s just a cold lonely hole to be in.

Until Next Time…

Down Down Deeper and Down

To start with, I am sorry for the Status Quo reference, it’s totally unlike me, I can assure you of that. I like em but I am not what you would call an obsessive fan.

The basic fact of the matter is that I have been down for the best part of 10 days now with only brief sparks of levity. I really hate this feeling of having nothing to be happy about. Everything I do seems to lead more and more towards a funk. I have started getting pains in my chest which I have no explanation for, they just started. My head has been hurting  a lot more than usual. I have been told that I spend to much time sat at the computer, which i guess is true, but if I wasn’t sat here I would just be sat in front of the TV watching another screen, except there is nothing that the rest of the family watch that particularly interests me. Sad I know but I would rather stumble than sit through another Medical reality show or see how some freak in no place Midwest America killed his wife and locked her in a car and stashed the car in a lock up for the next ten years (This was an actual show yesterday).

I guess I could be masterful and demand to watch something else, but I know that as soon as I do, I’ll get the remote and I’ll flick through 200 channels of shit and end up back on Forensic Detectives or something. I can’t win for losing.

That’s just how I fell most of the time when I have the TV remote in my hand.

I don’t know where my depression is leading me and I really don’t like the thoughts that are running through my head in preparation of the eventual bottoming out. I don’t know if I’ll get so desperate that I’ll scratch again or if this will be the time that I can’t resist suicide. I am not at that place yet but it feels close.
I can’t believe that a 15mg drop in Mirtazapine has made me feel like this. I keep telling myself that the Medication Management is going to be hard on me but if this is how I feel after such a small drop god knows how bad I am gonna feel once the take away an anti-psychotic or a mood stabilizer. My family are in for one hell of a ride. God help em.

Until Next Time…

Jim was right

I been down so god-damn long… it looks like up to me….
I been down so Very very long… It looks like up to me…

I know Jim Morrison didn’t write that, but it was his version I was listening to last night and I’ll be damned if it’s not stuck in my head today. What makes it even more ironic is that I actually can relate to the emotion and the words of this song.

I started writing and it started to flow and t he all of a sudden I had written about the dark side again, about suicide and how it woudl all be so easy to end everything. It’s strange because I was and am writing at work and it’s very bitty the way I can write here. Calls always interupting the flow, but for some reason today it’s a constant stream of bullshit. I don’t want to feel the way I do, I want to feel the shiney happy people feelings.

OK I had to stop posting at work it got to busy, so now I am home and carrying on… not that you really needed to know that, but if it seems a little more disjointed than usual then there you have it.

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