The Mind Revolts

After my whining about feeling empty and nothing, it turns out that my brain took this as a cue to royally screw me over. I woke up at 7.30 this morning to my mobile ringing. The first reaction was to hurl abuse down the phone but then I looked at who was calling at thought

“Maybe it’s important”

All I heard was my niece and nephew playing with Daddy’s phone. Oh joy I was awake.

My head wasn’t playing straight games when I went to bed last night. I was up the latest I had been up for quite a while last night. I didn’t go to bed till 1.30 and I could have stayed up the whole night the way I was feeling. I guess I hate sleep until I am asleep and then it’s the best thing since sliced bananas on my Oats So Simple. My brain had switched into depressive mode and I was fighting the urge to relax and thought myself unworthy of getting rest. It’s something I often used to fight with. Since my sleep counselling I have been getting better but I find I am slipping back to my old ways.

I had no reason to be down. I had had a fairly relaxing evening. Mum and I watched Highlander and laughed at the obvious flying wires that were shown in the final scenes after the big battle. We love seeing little things like that it brightens up an evening seeing shit that the producers missed or were to cheap to fix. Ahh it’s all good fun.

I really don’t know where my head is going to take me over the next few days, probably some where really dark. The voices are at it again and don’t seem to happy at the moment. They seem to think that I need to get off my arse and do something more constructive…. when internal monologue ensues it usually ends up with me asking

“…Like What”

“Jump off a fucking bridge, we don’t care.. you’re fucking useless as you are at the moment.”

So you see, it’s all getting a bit crowded for me at the moment and whilst I am not actively suicidal I am getting the thoughts.

I am still waiting to be referred to the local CMHT. I would have thought I would have had a letter or something by now. It’s going to be Easter at this rate before my notes and paperwork gets moved down here. I really don’t want to see my GP about mental stuff as I fear he may try and mess with the medication, something I am not convinced a regular GP is able to do without any form of fucking things right up.I just want someone to talk to who knows what is going on and can make changes as needed. Nothing has really changed in my medication as of yet. We haven’t transferred over to the modified release Seroquel yet as we are trying to use up what we have left over from the last prescriptions we were given in Corby.

I am back from cooking and eating dinner. Come back to turn Planet Rock on and what starts playing after 5 minutes…. Hurt by Johnny Cash… now I feel fucking wonderful nothing like a pick me up. I should have turned it off because that track always puts me deeper in my head quicker than a bottle of Jack on an empty stomach. It’s over now, the song is passed and has been replaced by numerous other songs that fleet past my head and take my mind of it’s lonely misery for a while.

I hope that this mood doesn’t last too long as I really can’t be bothered with dealing with it all. It’s as anyone who has depression knows, a pain in the arse. I know that may seem like a pretty redundant thing to say but i can’t find any other way of putting it. A long protracted battle with my mind is not something this family could deal with right now. Linda is ill with what we think is a rogue strain of Flu that the flu shot we all got last October has missed and by the looks of things mum is coming down with it too. With Mums COPD she doesn’t need anything that could possibly settle on her chest and make things worse. It would just be my luck to come down with something too. I am quite possibly the worlds worst cold and flu sufferer. I try and struggle through things and then get all moany when I can’t do things. It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt.

That’s it from me for now. Keep all the depressed people in your thoughts tonight people they are struggling and quite possibly have no where to turn and that’s just a cold lonely hole to be in.

Until Next Time…

The Big ‘Orra

It had to hit eventually, the thing I probably hate most about being a blogger. I ran out of shit to talk about and I got myself all worked up and when I thought I had something to write I couldn’t get the words out. Writers Block I suppose you’d call it. I am sat here now at nearly 2am on Monday morning just sitting here and blurbing out whatever comes to mind… Nothing new there then.

I have been mostly depressed for the past few weeks. I have been sleeping a lot, staying up late talking to friends on Instant Messenger services, drinking more coffee than is probably good for me and generally NOT taking care of myself. I have mentally let myself go, and the results aint pretty. The rabid voices I was hearing daily have no regressed back to every other day. I have given up on contacting my CMHT because they basically said last time there was very little they could do for me and just to take two weeks worth of Lorazapam. It didn’t help much seeing as I was taking extra Lorazapam for about a month before hand. I see my Pdoc again on the 18th (I think) and I will bring it up then and see what he says. I feel something has to be done or else what’s the point in taking drugs that aren’t doing the full job. Now, don’t get me wrong… I take the pills because for the most part they work, they just aren’t doing the full job… a change needs to be made. I would hate to think how bad I would be without the drugs. I know my family would end up abandoning me.

I haven’t been to my relaxation group for a couple of weeks… one week because I hadn’t slept for 36 hours and was afraid I wouldn’t make it through the hour long session without going comatose and last week it was cancelled due to a birthday. I missed it and have been listening to the music the facilitator uses during each meeting.

Here is a little acting lesson for you. Way back at the beginning of the 20th century there was this Russian dude called Stanislavsky who thought that the then modern staged theatre very stayed and blocky so he developed a set of excersizes that would aid an actor reach a more truthful portrayal of a character. Most people now now this as THE METHOD, as in Method Acting like Robert De Niro and Al Pacino. One of the most famous excersizes that came from the Method is called Emotional Memory. EM is where you take a thought which gave you a certain feeling and recall that moment and thus that feeling when portraying it in character. I hated doing this when I was an actor because it invariably wipes you out emotionally for ages after and I found it hard to break character anyway so having all this added emotional bullshit going on was a pain in the arse.

This explanation is just to tell you that the music that is played during the relaxation group meeting has become so associated with relaxing for me that usually all it takes is 5 or 10 minute listening to that and the edge has been taken off what ever stress is bugging me, that in and of itself has made sitting through the hour long navel gazing groups worthwhile. I say navel gazing, I don’t mean that as a bad thing. I really enjoy the groups but it does feel a little self indulgent that I get to take that time out each week and be selfish and just relax.

On that last note of old twaddle I will leave you with these two rather funny videos starring Punt and Dennis.

World Of Wine Part 1

World Of Wine Part 2

Until Next Time…

Screaming

Here I am! You can stop looking for me now.

You see it all began the day before the England Vs. Germany World Cup second round match. I was sat at my computer (all was normal) and then from out of no where the screaming began. It was like a dog howling against a babies whiny wail. And fuck me it was loud. At first I thought it was outside and a physical noise. Maybe next door had gotten his knob stuck in the door jam. I put up with it for about an hour and then had to break down and ask if anyone else heard the noise and no one did I knew I was up shit creak with out a paddle. I put my headphones in and they have pretty much been there ever since. That’s going on 12 days now. I have had intermittent breaks from the noise but they are VERY few and far between. In the quieter moments I have been able to get stuff done but it’s not been quiet enough for long enough to write anything.

I haven’t been to bed before 2am in the past 2 weeks and it’s starting to get me down. I have to wait until I am physically exhausted to get my ass to bed. Tonight it doesn’t look like sleep is coming any time soon. So I sit and listen to Lynryd Skynyrd and write away hoping that something makes sense when I read it back… if it doesn’t you know I failed.

I have started going back to my relaxation group as of Wednesday. After speaking to the duty Social Worker of Thursday and quite frankly not getting very far (an increase in my Lorazapam for two weeks… i had been doing that for the past month anyway). She suggested I get into with the local support group that helped me with the anxiety issues and that hold the relaxation groups and discussion groups I used to go to before my latest meltdown pulled me back into my shell. I had just gotten a letter that morning from them informing me off a discussion group coming up in the next couple of weeks. I REALLY didn’t want to go to that as I am sure that one day I am going to get up in some ones face and lose any entitlement I have to go there. They have been really great with me and the one lady who I deal with on a regular basis has been amazing and has gotten me to do things that no one else has been able to. Anyway I phoned her up and left a message on the machine asking her to get in touch with me. and an hour later she called and it was like I hadn’t really dropped of the face of the planet as far as the Groups were concerned and I was invited back to the relaxation group the following Wednesday (i.e. this week) and that was that. She asked if I would like to come into have a chat and a coffee and at that time I was so sick of myself I didn’t want to inflict myself on any one else.

Another thing that the Duty Social worker suggested was going back to the relaxation lessons I had learnt and try and put them into practice. Now every single night I am in bed and I can’t sleep I sub consciously go through the Auto Genic relaxation method, which takes each part of your body and relaxes it and unwinds you. By the time I get to my shoulders I am usually asleep and off for a good couple of hours. Anyway we had been given the CD’s to use at home that we use in the relaxation group. I had converted mine and put it on my iPod to use in case of emergency. This was such and occasion and I have to say that sitting up in my room with just and my iPod i felt totally relaxed and screaming free for a couple of hours afterwards.

Anyway I have spent nearly two hours writing this crap I am going to go and try and get some sleep before my eye test at 10.30am.

Until Next Time…

Triggers

I posted yesterday on Twitter that my mood was basically shot to all hell. I haven’t felt this down in quite some time, so venting out on Twitter was an unusual thing for me. I usually like to keep my emotions to myself and this blog. Twitter is for a bit of fun and supporting the friends I have made on there. I see so much drama on Twitter, I don’t need to add to it.

For me to open up and blurt out that my world was about as low as it could go was a big thing. I didn’t expect replies but I got a couple. The one that spoke to me the most was from @moodmonster who suggested that I could be going through post election slump. After sitting back and thinking about that for the past 24 hours I think she may be right. She said that she had been very down after George W. Bush was elected. To be honest I think EVERYONE was the same, the American presidential race and the President himself is a global office, so much more so than the Prime Minister of the UK. That’s not to say that Prime Ministers are not important but they don’t have the same , you know….. RAW POWER behind them. I am sure that the New York Times and Washington Post didn’t have front page splashes of Gordon Brown leaving Number 10 and have the Lizard Boy David Cameron turn up and take over the mantle. It’s just not the same.

I seem to have a few triggers that are event related:

  • The Death of my Father – I was undiagnosed at the time but looking back I see all of the signs
  • Actually being Diagnosed with Bipolar had a really hard effect on me – I kind of went into meltdown for about a month after I was told. The world was against me
  • 9/11 I was depressed and emotionally wrought for weeks after that event and I only watched it on TV.

I have everyday triggers that seem irrational to me as a person aged 36. If I don’t get my own way I can be a petulant little child. I will and DO sulk in a literal corner for hours. I can be a moody teenager who sits in his literal corner and just blasts music until the world goes away. If I have to deal with bureaucracy of any kind… Bill Collectors, Catalogue Company, Doctors Office, I get very stressy and wish someone else would deal with it and often I will put off something to my own detriment. Hell I lost the best credit card deal ever because I avoided the telephone for three months and now my credit rating is screwed for the next 18 months (It was three years but that was 18 months ago).

I really wish that my triggers ended there.. but they don’t. and they are to ingrained in me to explain properly. I have auditory and visual hallucinations, and when they get to strong and to forthright in my head I get triggered to start doing some weird shit to try and force them back. The latest being I now trry and engage them in meaningful conversation to try and find out what they want and what I could possibly do to make them be quiet or even heaven help me go away permanently. The answer is always the same

“Shut ya face FATBOY… We’re here to stay”

Lovely peoples I hang with eh?

enough of my rambling witterings. The best advice I can cack handedly offer is… DON’T LET THE BASTARDS GET YA DOWN.

Oh Yeah Pdoc appointment tomorrow… will update with what he says then.

Be safe y’all

Until Next Time…

Coming Down…Slowly

I finally got to bed at about 11am this morning. I slept for about three hours and then went back for three more. My head is still racing but It’s a little quieter in their at the moment. As I have mentioned before I hear voices. These get agitated when my head gets all messed up. I get ranting screaming torrents of abuse at times like this. At one point at about 6 am I came very close to talking back to the voices in a vain hope that they would just shut up if they knew I acknowledged them.

As you can probably imagine, if your told something often enough you start to believe it. It’s how the government work after all. When I went to bed it was mostly out of desperation at just wanting a little time where I didn’t hear the voices and they would quieten down to let me sleep. I was tired enough but it was a gamble, one that, luckily, paid off.

Now I am just kicking back and trying to let my head sort itself out. It’s goinig to take a couple of days to get back to “normal“. It’s going to be tough but I have been there before and I’ll no doubt be there again some time soon. If you hear me screaming at about 3am you know the voices are still playing up.

Until Next Time…

If music be the food….

As you may have noticed things have been pretty quiet around here with the exception of a spate of posts made about my medication management diary. There will be more of those coming so you will see a lot more posts from me in the near future.

I have been mostly absent from the blogosphere for the past month due to having not much enthusiasm to write. I have to keep the diary so I will be writing more from now on whether I like it or not. Part of my “homework” for medication management, apart from the diary was to create a list of what I like doing for myself. It seems that I am not focusing on the positives that I like doing and I need to be doing more of that apparently. It seems so self indulgent to think just of me when Mum and Linda are going through the same hard times I am. OK they don’t have the voices and hallucinations to deal with or the lack of ability to go out unaided. But things are tight here and we are all having to make bigish sacrifices just to make it from one pay day to the next. I dread the next email I get from the bank. They only email me to tell me they are charging me a fee for going overdrawn on my overdraft or to say I have a statement waiting to be read. It’s usually the previous.

Any way back to that list:

Using the Computer
Reading
Creative Writing
Watching Films
Listening to Old Radio Plays
Contributing of various On-line radio Forums
Cooking
Digital Graphic Art
Music

Looking back over that list I must seem like a very insular person. None of it involves leaving the house. I seem to have become entrenched in the house. I wouldn’t even know where to start to find a hobby that involved leaving the house. There is some talk of my joining a creative writing group at the local library but I don’t have any details on that yet. I do need to find something to do outside of the house, especially seeing as I don’t see myself being back in work anytime soon. If the Bipolar doesn’t kibosh me the economy will. Who in this climate is going to employ a liability like me. Oh well it will all sort itself out in the long run.

I am on week 5 of my medication management programme. I am finally reducing some of the medications. MY Flupentixol is down to 0.5mg am and 1mg at night and I have been taken off of my wonder drug Lorazapam and had it replaced with Diazapam originally at 5mgs and today reduced down to 4mgs. I haven’t really noticed much in the way of withdrawals from the Lorazapam which is something they were worried about. The change over to Diazapam has been smooth. The reason for the change in dosage today was because I mentioned that I had been sleeping a lot over the past week so the doctor reduced the Diazapam too see if that would help.

My life skills group ended the week before last and I miss it. OK I may not have gotten the most out of the group but I did get some good info and it was nice to meet up with a group of people every week to talk. The groups were very loose and our conversations often strayed off course and it was all very anecdotal. everyone had at least one story to share each week and it made the two hours of the group fly by. I look forward to any other groups I can get involved with. My spirit seems lifted after being involved in a talking therapy group type situation. I think it must have something to do with getting out of the house and having someone else to talk to other than the dust bunnies growing around my mouse pad.

I sem to be having problems sleeping. I have been up all night now. It’s now 5.30am and I am still not tired. So i figure I will just stay awake until I do get tired or fall asleep sat at the computer. No doubt the later will happen sooner or later. Linda and Mumn will be getting up to get ready for work soon and I will just sit back and wait to wave them bye bye. I don’t know what’s more depressing, not being able to work or having to work when your sick. I wish there was an easy answer but I just don’t see it at the moment.

The sun is coming up outside. So I will confine this to the archive and say:

Until Next Time…